Heartache

June hols are like almost over… I must say that i changed a lot this year. Half a year has gone by and it seems so fast. It seems as if ytd was christmas as if ytd was 2013… Time is flying by faster and faster… I am soon going to become a sec 4 and graduate and I am soon taking over and then stepping down. Everything seems so fast and I am lost. I remembered at the start of year how i had plans and expectations for myself. Well nothing seems to be going too wrong except i know i ain't on the right path either… I am a weird person. I get overly worried for my friends. I know a lot of people. Like really a lot of people. I can literally walk through the canteen and know at least 3/4 of the population but that doesn't mean they are all my friends. I don't have a lot of friends. I just know a lot of people. I have people who run to me with problems all the time. I try my best to help them but what hurts me is that they leave me in the end. Just yesterday someone said this "You are a very good friend you know. I thought friends like you only existed in mangas and fairy tales." But that very person once left me too. I won't ever forget the time when i went through hell because of her. And yet I forgave and moved on. But I can't forget. The best I can do is forgive. Millen said this "Wathan, just ignore me lah. I am like that at night times. I become emo." Haha high five brah. I am just like that as well. "12am to 6am, where you either feel like you are on top of the world or totally beneath it." I must say that most of the times it's when i feel totally beneath it. Memories replay and wounds cut opened again. Tears falling silently and the solitude becomes almost unbearable. Everyone says I have changed. "Yes i have changed. Pain does that to people." I am just really broken right now. I am just trying my best to hold onto something. Something and i don't even know what it is anymore. I just need someone in my life who genuinely cares for me. Someone, the only person, whom I can lean on and cry on. Yes i am strong. To the world, I am a strong chic who lends a helping hand to those in need and a shoulder on cry on for those who need to cry their hearts out. Yes I am someone whom you can depend on. You just need to call me and ask for help… That's all you need to do… Ask for help and I will give it. All I ask is one person in return. One person whom I can show my weaknesses to. One person whom i can cry on. And i thought i finally found that person… until you too… left me… All i ask is just one person…

On a side note, the BI course was really fun and enriching… Perice PDS team taught me a lot about what it means to do something with passion. What it means to be a senior. What it means to be a friend. I can't believe I opened up to Millen, Davin and Alvin. I mean that issue was something that only few people knew. It was something I swore to never share with anyone else because no one would understand and yet i told them… Their reaction was comforting. Their reaction showed that I should stop being hurt over the issue and move on. Their reaction showed me that while there are people out there who hate me, I also have people who i can fall back on. Thank you guys for teaching me precious lessons and for being there for me. Thank you for being so supportive and caring. Thank you for allowing me to see light in life again after I have lost it for a long time. Sighpie I miss them. I miss them so much...

Well looks like I am leaving soon weee. Quite excite and also sad at the same time... As much as I want to leave I want to say as well. I have made so many memories here that every place reminds me of smth now. And they are all memories I want to never forget. Happy or sad I wanna keep them all. It somehow feels like I am leaving my "home" again except this isn't my home. 😊 oh wells I rather put my family first than myself. I want to take care of my grandma too~~ Let's just pray that I will get in and when I do, it's goodbye to one and hello to the other...

I am used to being used. I am used to people coming to me when they need me and throwing me away after. I would just be like "oh another one eh..." But I didn't know you were like that too... I thought you were different. I thought I was lucky to have found you who was so different from the rest but it's only just me  judging wrongly. It's just my eyes seeing the things my heart wants to see and not what you really are. You came when you needed me. You left when you didn't need me anymore. Every time I look at the little reminders of who we were once I laugh. I would laugh and fall in love with the memories again. Except now I know you are just like all the other humans. My fault for thinking you were an angel. 

"How do you know when it's over?"

"When you fall in love with the memories rather than the person standing infront of you."

And so now I know it's finally over.