MORE THAN A TV STAR 

Some graduate from top universities and are busy making money
When they got acknowledged by their friends and parents
I thought to myself, what am I doing these days?

My dad told me
“You can’t do a single thing right. What are you going to do?”
My ex-girlfriend told me
“People say you’re a genius but why don’t others notice?”
I don’t know either, I don’t know what I want
Sometimes I doubt myself on what I really want
So I’ve stopped for a moment and looked back
Because I don’t know if it’s tears or sweat that’s flowing from my eyes right now

If you have a dream boy
Even if you’re lost in the darkness, I pray you’ll be a star
If you have a dream girl
Don’t let the world change who you are
You can be more than a TV star

I overcame even when no one believed in me

Everytime I look up in the sky
I see the stars and I can hear my god says
“this is who you are”
Everytime I look up at the stars
They be telling me you are perfect
Just the way you are
Baby If you looking for the stars
It’s not far away, turn off the TV and look in the mirror

FEAR

When I turned around
I saw that I came farther than I thought
I was alone and I suddenly got afraid
When I saw myself
I didn’t know I was exhausted
I was lonely and I suddenly got afraid

You’re doing a good job
When I get confused, I tell myself that and just go
Be yourself, know yourself
I practiced about several thousand times
Being in despair once or twice is child’s play now
Opportunities are always ways to get up from moments of crisis, you know
Going on a trip to heaven? Hurry and pack your carrier

Don’t stop, there’s still a lot to do
Look at the photo of your parents, providing for you
You’re the mirror to your younger siblings, you’re the star of your family
Only when you cut back on your sleep, can they peacefully sleep
Hey you idiot, don’t make it obvious
Be strong, I know you’re lonely
But you need to get through it, are you crying? Be a man
Stop crying and take responsibility once more

When I didn’t wanna see anything
The reason I forced my eyes to open wide
Is because I was just scared
It’s because I was suddenly scared
When I didn’t wanna say anything

The reason I raised my voice
There is no other reason
It’s because I’m afraid, I’m afraid

I used to say this like a habit
That I always believe in myself
That I have no worthy opponent
But enemy was in my mirror
Maybe I lost my reasoning in this continued fight
I killed myself, even my mom is careful with me

Dad, if you’re looking at me, tell me the answer
I’m too young and soft to become an adult
I still don’t know how
It hurts too much to just crash into things
Now I know, it’s too late to foolishly whip
There are still too many unhealed wounds

Cr : http://ilyricsbuzz.com

Those are my two favourite songs from the show, SHOW ME THE MONEY (season 4) and out of all the songs in the past four seasons, these two have touched me the most. The first one, "MORE THAN A TV STAR" is by Innovation and Lee Hi and the second one's by Mino and Taeyang. 

Why did those two songs touch me the most? Because I can relate to them. More than other songs, these have a personal feel to it and most of the lyrics are phrased in a general manner. I have cut out parts of the lyrics where they rapped about their personal lives because it's about their struggles. But these parts that I have pasted here are more generalised and so I can better relate to them. 

The lyrics are like my raw emotions stringed into words. I am so afraid of the future. So many people would then say in response, "You are just seventeen. You still have a long way. Dont worry. Things will work out." But that's exactly what I am scared of. That long and uncertain future lying ahead of me. 

It's like you are in the middle of this dense jungle and the only sound you can hear is your heavy breathing. You don't know where you have to go, except the rule's you can't turn back. You don't know whether to turn left or right or to keep walking straight. You don't know where each twists and turns will bring you. You don't know what lies ahead of that long stretch of road you have been walking on for forever. Nonetheless, you just keep going. Aimlessly. That's what I feel like now. I have got no aims or goals or plans in life. All I am doing now is taking a gamble. I am just following this long road without knowing why. I jump over the hurdles and find my way around obstacles but out of obligations. Not out of willingness. 

I still don't have the reason why I wake up every morning. 

I am so afraid. So so afraid. 

But I am going to keep going. 

Once in a while, I might just stop walking and break down in tears because the callus on my feet are so painful. Then, I will lie down on my back and admire the stars. I will make a wish or two and I know I will be alright.

 I might become so tired out that I would need to take a rest at times. Then, I will. I will stop and take in the beatiful scenery that's too grand to be missed. I will smell whiffs of the different flowers grown all around me, swaying to the rhythm of the wind. I will close my eyes and listen to the beautiful music of the birds. 

Sometimes, I might fall over the hurdles or get blocked by obstacles but that's okay. Everytime that happens, I am going to look back and remind myself of how far I have come. How much I have tried and how strong I have been. I have been strong once, I can be stronger now. I am going to look up at the sky and shout out into the horizon that I can do it! That I can overcome any obstacles just like how I have always done. 

I know I can do this. 

This is a more deeply analysed reflection of my feelings so I hope that I won't break down even after EYAs. 

*note to self : don't care too much about what others think.*

I have been so weird nowadays, like I only remembered on the train this morning that I had not eaten since 1pm yesterday. Neither did I remember that I had only drank a small cup of water. And yesterday, all of a sudden, I started craving kpop so I listened to them all day long. So I spent a bit of time reflecting and trying to analyse as to why I am behaving like this... I think that my mind is on autopilot. Its like theres this subconsciousness that is keeping me from crashing because its EYAs period and so it has put me on autopilot to just go through the motions. Luckily, I snapped out of it after talking to yj today but for some reason, I feel like I am going to crash after EYAs. Well better than crashing now so... Gonna let myself be on autopilot till end of EYAs. I am sorry I act weird towards you lol

Reality

"Being overly nice to people is not because you are "nice". You just want others' acknowledgment and love."

I wrote about that on another post about a year ago. The reason why I am writing again about it now is to merely reflect on my change the past year. I was pretty much done with being the middle guy who was nice. After last year, I have changed so much. I have become less forgiving, less understanding and less loving. Unlike the past optimistic me who always looked on the bright sides of things and looked for the good points in people, I am now a totally changed person. I have been exposed to so many bad and dark sides of people and life that I am no longer the innocent kid. I am only just seventeen, there's so much more ahead of me, I know. I will continue to see many of both good and bad sides of things and people and those experiences will continue to shape who I am. The most important thing, I feel, in this process is for me to never forget my roots and always reflect on who I was and who I have become.

That line was from a korean drama and when I was watching it last year, it hit me pretty hard. Only because it was applicable to me then. I used to have this mindset that as long as I treat people the way I want to be treated, they will definitely return the favour. I always thought that way. That even if  a person is mean to me, she will change her mind gradually if I treat her the way I want to be treated. However, that is not true. I have learnt that. The world is not as nice. Willingly or unwillingly, I have always been in the middle of conflicts, having to entertain both parties involved. I have become so used to it that I don't even mind it anymore but just put my mind to solving the problem. I was pretty done with that role last year but I am trying to change again.

This year, I have become much better, being able to smile and laugh almost always though I have cried a lot too. I am starting to learn to change myself again because going back to that innocent and gullible and soft hearted kid is not going to help, neither continuing to be this pessimistic person gonna help.

Unlike the past me, where I believed people would be as nice to as I am to them, I now give without expecting anything AT ALL. I used to say in the past that I don't expect anything in return except their smiles and gratitude and blah blah blah but now I don't even expect anything of that sort.

Why? Because I learnt that even though you give so much to a person, there is no guaranteed that the person will do the same back for you or be appreciative of your efforts and might even be hostile towards you.

I am trying my best to get back up on my feet and being able to help others whole heartedly again. I had this period between end of last year and the start of this year whereby I was very ignorant of my surroundings. I was selfish. All I did was care about myself because caring about others led to me being hurt in the end though I only had good intentions.

It all changed when I saw part As. Their thirteen years old innocence has shown me once again about how I have forgotten to look at the rainbows and unicorns and was only concerned and hurt by the dark and deep forests. I have learnt so much from them the past seven months.

I have started to change myself gradually by taking out the positive traits of me from my old self like not hesitating to help others but now I know that I should never do it at the expense of putting myself at risk. I have also learnt to not be hurt if my care and concern is not returned because I cannot expect everyone to be appreciative. Just do my job to my best and help that person. If he or she wants to leave, smile and wave goodbye. Keep the good memories in my heart and look back at them once in a  while and remind myself of how I should make a difference in this world even if its just one person.

You see, all these hurt and sad people somehow always find their way to me and find it in me to fix them. So I do. Just like last time. The only difference is that now I try my best not to get broken in the process of fixing someone else and to not be selfish as to expect the person to stay afterwards. I have learnt to be so much more flexible and understanding and not clingy. I am used to broken souls finding me to fix them and then leaving once they are healed. I now just have to learn to take it in a positive light. To not be so obsessive because my job is to fix them. Not make them stay with me. I am my one and only trustworthy companion in life. I won't ever force anyone else to stay in my life for the sake of my happiness.

Most important takeaway is that I am happy with myself and happiness comes from within me which in turn allows me to spread it to others around me. Learn to love myself first before trying to teach others how to love themselves and not be thirsty for other's love and attention.

SAVE MYANMAR

 Only the top part of the sign could be seen...

Translation : All the earnings I make today will be donated to the victims of flood.

Land of Gold, Myanmar. This beautiful country is now faced with the worst flood  that has happened in decades. I plead all of you on Tumblr to please bring awareness to this issue and spread around on the internet. Do search up on “myanmar flood” and you will see many many articles in different languages and even instructions on how you can donate if you wish to do so. Please help us out in every little way that you can, we really really appreciate it. It can be as simple as keeping us in your prayers every night or spreading awareness of this issue or donating small or big amounts of money or donating life vests, etc. 

I would like to appeal to everyone on behalf of my country people as the situation is extremely dire. Unlike what our (corrupted) government has been reporting, there have been a high fatality rate and we are fearing it to increase due to the increase in water level every minute and thousands of people are stranded out there exposed to many diseases due to the poor state of shelter homes.

Thank you so much for your attention and time and concern. We will be extremely thankful and appreciative of every little thing that you do for us. 

Pain

How hurt must you have felt?

How painful was it for you to endure?

How lonely were you?

How did you manage to hold on for so long?

How did you keep it all inside?

How scared were you at that exact moment?

How did you ever ever manage to do it?

How much did you regret?

How did it feel in those final moments?

The journey must have been too hard on you, I believe. I wonder how you are finally able to let it all go because I never had the courage to. I had thoughts before, lots of them but never was I brave enough to follow through. I wish you had a different kind of courage though. It would have been better if you had chose a different path. The path you chose, I dare not judge whether its right or wrong, but I wish you chose a different path. If there's such a thing as a second shot, I hope you get a beautiful life and that you will live beautifully as you had wished in this life. If not, I hope you are happy wherever you are now. I pray for you, with all my sincerity, may you be happy and may you nor any other people have to go through terrifying ordeals alone again.

Rest in peace.

First Week

Ok, so I haven't updated in a really really really long time haha. It's actually 90% due to my laziness and 10% due to my laptop being sent to the "hospital" for the first three weeks of June hols.

To sum up my June hols, it has been a blast. I am glad I really got to recharge myself fully and that I did get work done so good job to me and I also had quite a good balance between staying at home to enjoy lazing around and lepaking around town. So yes both March and June hols this year has been one of the greatest ever for me.

So even though it feels like yesterday was the first day of holidays, today is actually the last school day of the first school week haiz. Time is ticking by so quickly man. It has only been the first week but it has been really filled with events from me falling sick for the first time in four years to having to avoid juniors for NCC day. >(

Firstly, Monday was great because both my Chemistry and History teachers were on leave so I had like four free blocks :D By the time it was CCA, I felt dead because I was too tired from sleeping. Hey it happens! I was actually dragging myself through the whole session but luckily I managed to excuse myself! Ha! I sat out to accompany the sick people party because I didn't want them to be alone and partly because I didn't want to play captains ball. :P AND part As standards actually improved contradictory to my expectation so very proud and happy :")

Tuesday was okayish but I started feeling albeit weird at night which led to my first fever in four years on Wednesdays. I came to school but started feeling giddy and nauseous by like second block after recess. Then nearing the end of last block, I felt damn warm like I was burning so I checked my temp and it was 38.4 degree celsius. :( I took a cab home because I felt like I was gonna die. I really felt damn horrible like I thought I was gonna die TT

So I got a free day to myself on Thursday! It was pretty fun hehe. Then today I came back because I didn't want to miss out on my last NCC day as a cadet. <3 I only have one word to describe today : crazy. Thanks to part Cs who were being crazily enthusiastic and being so abnormal but haha you really made me laugh and happy so thank you for making my last NCC day a great and memorable one. If anything, I am grateful for all the crazy greetings you gave me and for staring at me in diam while i was eating XD

So yeah. This has been my crazy first week of term 3 and I hope everyone is enjoying theirs and hang in there because this is gonna one crazy ride batchies!! (Can you imagine 10 weeks with lots of holidays and having to wrap up all the syllabuses and revisions and be prepared for O levels and EYAs??? No?? ME NEITHER!!!)

Have a great weekend.

P.S. Part As I actually wanted to meet you guys and made you greet me today :( Cause first and last NCC day with you guys.

P.P.S. If there are any part Cs reading this, please help me thank your platoon for being a crazy bunch <3

One of those idontactuallyknowwhatiamfeelinganymore mood

Today was a very unusual day. Mainly what happened during Chinese, I guess. I literally LIKE LITERALLY had 5 teachers who legit praised me for my chinese speaking skills and like it really boosted my morale and made me want to start working hard for O levels!! I guess I really should start putting in the effort eh... I was actually legit happy for the entire day (morning classes) cause I finished all my homework and Physics was really really fun. We had a lot of fun playing around with the circuits and conducting a "funeral" for our dead battery XD What made me sad was after school. I knew yj wanted to talk to me a few days back and I kind of knew what it would be about but really hearing it from her mouth makes it harder to hear. I can't bear to hear her or san get even a tiny little scratch, and to know that they are struggling or stressed or anything, makes me feel really sad and helpless and useless. I know that there's only so much I can do but really I wish and I am willing to do more. I can't bear to see them be like this... I am going to stay strong and make sure I protect them. Because they are my family.

Also, not so surprisingly, found out from yj a few days ago that my y1 and 2 class had this group to "talk" about me and another classmate whom they did not like. It's kind of expected honestly. It just hurts to confirm it. I know that those people are gone from my life and I really don't give a shit about ALL of them (except yj) because well our journey together is over and I have endured as much as I could, now it's time for me to move on. And yet it hurts. Because when she mentioned it, memories flooded back. I am just trying my best to be strong, if I want to break down, I have a million and one reasons to do so. Memories aren't something that I can just dispose of and even though I don't dwell on my past and try to be strong, it doesn't mean that it's not hurting anymore. I just ignore it. I know she felt really guilty about telling me about that afterwards but really I don't see any reason for her to be. She wasn't even actively involved in it and look at us now, we have gained each other's trust and see for ourselves who we truly are. I am really glad that we are who we are now. Without you, I would not be who I am. After everything, I decided to not give myself away so much and have closed up so much that I literally have no one in my life. So I am really grateful for yj and san for being the only people who have shown me till now that true friendship does exist.

Which brings me to my next point.
Disclaimer : These are all very personal opinions of my own so if you think that you won't be able to tahan, then don't read.

I have an issue with people who very one sidedly assumes that they are my friends. Let's say we met at a CIP event and we talked and worked together during that 3 hours. At the end of the 3 hours, your status with me is just "acquaintance". Nothing more, nothing less. I have had a grand total of 63 people as my classmates in my RGS journey and there are less than 10 people that I consider to be my friend. Really, just seeing your face 5 times a week and politely laughing at your jokes and talking to you does not make you my friend. I am not saying that all my classmates have been really bad people or anything but if I can't trust you, I obviously won't consider you as my friend. You are just a classmate/acquaintance. I know some of my classmates doubt whether I hate them or not and that no matter how many times I assure them, they will still think I hate them. I DO NOT. But I don't hate you does not equate to you being my friend. People like R and CJ in y1 and 2 are the people I would consider as my friend. They are really genuine people who were very kind and sincere. In these two years would be people like Ay,A,J,Y,I,S and R because they have not been once fake with me. If you know me well (which is practically no one in my class) then you can tell whether or not I really consider you as my friend. I know that I might sound too arrogant but these are really just frank options i have and I am not gonna hide them just to appear nice in front of people.

"I may not be able to wait thirteen months for you, nor until you are twenty-five, but I can wait for you a lifetime." "Jingqiu, there is such a thing as an eternal love. You must believe in it."

I am crying rivers now. It's really sad that I have come to the end of the book and that well ... their story ended and I just feel so ... I don't know how to put it into words.

Under the Hawthorn Tree

So this is the title of the book I am currently reading ~ I haven't read such a moving book in such a long time. The closest that came to this was "Saving Zoe" which was relatively a moving book but less drama than this. Basically "under the hawthorn tree" is set in the period of cultural revolution in China which took place around 1966 to 1976 and it's about this girl,Jingqiu, with a bad class background who fell in love with a boy,Jianxin, with a high class background and didadida you know the same heartbreaking love story.

 I am only at chapter 25 at where they have finally sorted their misunderstandings out. For example, Jianxin actually used to (highlights USED TO) have a fiancee and that he was actually up for a grab now cause he got dumped by the fiancee and that he didn't cheat on Jingqiu and Jingqiu finally learning to accept the fact that sometimes love comes in to your life unexpectedly and once sucked in, you will never find your way out. That you gotta learn to live life cause YOLO. One of the coolest quotes i have found so far goes " I can wait. As long as you want me to wait, as long as it doesn't make you unhappy, I can wait a lifetime. Jingqiu I can't be the first person to have fallen in love with you and I won't be the last. But I do believe I will love you the most." -sotheguysaystothegirl It's one of those undying, passionate love like romeo and juliet except the couple doesn't decide to die together but fights hard to be able to live together.

I really find this book very captivating like the emotions are very raw and there are certain parts where it might not make a lot of sense to a non-chinese speaking person because there are certain things that you can only understand if you know the chinese culture and if you can speak the language, i feel? It's like when you watch korean dramas, sometimes the subtitles can't exactly bring out the best in the meaning because what the characters are saying would only completely make sense to you when you actually have a vast knowledge of the culture and the language?? And I feel really proud of being able to understand those moments because I am relatively well versed in these cultures and languages to be able to completely appreciate them. #perksoflivinginamulticulturalcountry and #perksofwatchingkdramassince7

If you haven't read the book yet, I strongly recommend you to read it FIRST before watching the movie version because I tried watching the movie yesterday and really I just stopped after like the first ten minutes because there is no essence. It's super different from the book like how craze potter fans would say that the book series is far more amazing than the movie series. EXACT SAME FEELINGS.

I am just gonna briefly talk about today's training. Basically I felt extremely proud at 2:45 because they weren't late and came to training with a relatively decent and presentable uniform under the category of Part As' first attempt at this. {we were late for one freaking hour when we were part As and it was our first uniform training cause we just stood in 101 and just stared at our incomplete uniforms (no name and school tags) thinking about whether to pon as a platoon or call NCOs over and get killed. [we chose the latter and got killed] [disclaimer : we are still well and alive] But then I became super disappointed at like 5pm because their drills were very sloppy. Some of them didn't even put in the effort to keep up the basic fundamentals like COME ON YOU CAN DO BETTER MAN. Really the point behind all this is not just to prepare for ATC but really to teach them that in life you really must strive to be at your best at all times no matter how tired you are and results will only be achievable if you actually put in the efforts. I got even more irritated at the NS guys who started doing drills obviously mocking at us. I know it's not necessarily mocking at us, like because they could see Part A's drills, they were discussing about how the drills are supposed to be executed and maybe even dissing part As' standard but nonetheless, I found it extremely rude that they were doing it so openly like what the heck. Where are your manners, gentlemen? -.- srsly I have this hatred towards NS/NSF cause of ppl like them. Haiz the people you see in NCC are so diverse. AND OMG STOP FREAKING DRAGGING YOUR BOOTS. LIKE. STOP. DRAGGING. YOUR. FREAKING. SOLES. I literally shouted this at max volume every second towards the end of training cause the screeching noise it made annoyed me and ma'am L shouting at As made me more annoyed. UGH FXK IT MAN. I know you are a ma'am and all but it doesn't give you any rights to freaking shout at my part BECAUSE THEY ARE MY PART. If anyone has a right to scold them, its NCOs. Not even USM/AUSM. Of course, you can with NCOs (our) permission so don't freaking cross the line baka. I really hope that Part As will do a really great job at ATC and that every training would be something fulfilling for both, them and for us, NCOs. I really hope that their platoon will be one of those closely knit platoon with really high standards. Right now I don't see any signs of that yet and really I am starting to see conflicts already... I don't know why I am so good at identifying problems haizz

I just wish that they trust us and would come to us for help if they ever need it. Nevertheless, I am still immensely proud of the fact that they have the potential and that I have seen it at times. I am just proud of the fact that they still try their best at most of the times and that they have taken the trainings well up till now. That none of them have yet to quit. That none of them have completed given up. That every one of them are trying very hard.

Deskies

First off, formally introducing my dear deskies : Iylia and Priya <3 Sorry for only introducing after two weeks but hehe it has been a fun time sitting together with them <3 If I were to rank my seating partners so far, this pair is second to Syaf and M would be third because they really make me feel comfortable. Thank god for all these wonderful seating buddies. :)

Can't think of a title for this post so guess it's just another update??? Anyways, we changed seating arrangement today cause its a new term and now I have to sit beside I OMGGGG OMY It's not bad or anything but I am scared that I won't be able to focus?? But hehe it's nice to sit beside someone that I am comfortable with (she's like the only person in class??)

i know i already mentioned before that gooddrama is back up BUT I NEED TO SAY IT AGAIN I AM SO RELIEVED!!!

There was this video on Facebook taken at RI this morning. It's just taken only at RI cause Mr Lee was from there and not because #elitism or anything like that and i was damn curious because I have forever forever heard from seniors that commanding in RI sucks so bad that RGNCC ppl always get pissed off when they go over SO I WAS LIKE OMG FINALLY I CAN HEAR AND JUDGE FOR MYSELF LEMMME OPPEENNN but guess what. THEY FREAKING EDITED OUT THE COMMANDING... NOOO. The video started right after the commander finished commanding and was kebelakaning to face the front haizz. I know this is being judgemental blah blah blah but hey i am not exactly judging but looking for SOLID evidence to help me judge. But yeah lah I am not saying they suck or anything cause I am not a good commander myself. I was just curious since I heard from like a million people. Talking about commanding, i don't know why i still get so scared when it's my turn. I know I have stage fright but like it's just commanding, not like I have to give a speech or anything but I just really can't figure out why I get so freaking nervous. Like my mind will go blank and my palms will be really sweaty and I would feel really giddy and nauseous. haizz. Hopefully it will stop soon. SHIT I JUST REALISED AS I WAS TYPING. IT'S MY TURN TMRRRR OMIGOD OMIGOD *breathes in* *breaths out* *tries to calm down*

Update

Due to unforeseen circumstances we are shutting and closing down the site. We do not plan to bring it back.
WTF GOODDRAMA. NOOOO. I think maybe they got sued or smith?? It's illegal after all right?? BUT STILL WHERE DO I WATCH MY DRAMAS NOWWW

I know there are a thousand other sites (maybe even better than gooddrama) but I am the type that hates changes. I was first introduced to it in 2013 and since then I have been hooked. I used epdrama before that but like I really hated it cause it doesn't work like 50% of the time and when I got to know gooddrama, I was so thankful :') Anyways, thank you gooddrama for all the precious memories and the great service that you have provided <3 Really hope that they aren't in like serious problems, i mean it was illegal after all right? Haha I think I am overreacting AS USUAL zzz

Anyways, I think this post is one of those filler posts to update and to let readers know that I am alive.  So yes I am alive and back from the awesome March hols ~ It was a really really really refreshing trip where I managed to recharge myself mentally :> (Not so much of physically since I only got like 4-5 hours of sleep everyday and climbed mountains daily) I WANT TO GO BACK AND NEVER COME BACK HEREEEE

Kay shall end this post cause nothing more that I can think of to say :'P

UPDATE : 24/03 , 9:45 AM
OMG GOODDRAMA IS BACKKKKKKK oh yeah baby ~

LJ Day One

It's going to be a boring (I will try my very best to not be) recount of the day but really it's one of those yougottabethere thing, like words cannot express enough. Was supposed to meet yj at 7+ but me being me arrived super early like 6:40 and me being me decided to be a public embarrassment. Parked myself at the staircase and then started reading a book. I swear 99.99% of the people would stare everytime they pass by and I can only figure out the reason to be 1) because I am being a weirdo reading a book at the MRT station early morning or 2) because they think that I am playing truancy since I was wearing uniform, whichever it was, doesn't matter because after awhile, I became super self conscious. Luckily the moment I finished the book, yj came. #nicetiming Walked to Boomerang and we both hesitated to go in at first because the sign had the word "bar" and the shop barely had anyone. When we finally went in, we were greeted by very warm and cheerful staff and really it was an enjoyable breakfast :) We spent quite long in the shop and really it was a nice "culture" of sorts because all the customers who came in would say "good morning" to literally everyone. (yeah our conversation got cut off once in awhile by the good mornings which might seem/sound disturbing but really it was a really friendly atmosphere that I have never seen before and it was nice to experience it) It's pretty expensive considering a student's budget but it's way worth it haha. I really enjoy talking to yj because we are always on the same frequency and somehow I don't feel self conscious or try to match her frequency even when we don't match. It's just a nature of me to try to match to people's frequency and it's not exactly a good thing (neither is it a bad thing) but still it's the very reason I don't feel comfortable around people most of the time because I can't be who I want to be. And I don't have to be afraid of that when I am with yj or san. . . and really I realise how thankful I am to them everyday because without them I would be suffocated all the damn time. Thank you so much guys :') After breakfast, we had a nice walk around Singapore River which really provided another avenue for me to get some fresh air and a change of routine and I dare to say that after these two weeks I will come back 100% charged and be ready for term 2 since it's relatively an important with all the common papers and ATC.

Then yj went to Bugis and I went to Lavender and seriously I wished that I could just pon because I am not ready to go and face people and be social and walk around. Not after such a nice morning. sigh. . . I really didn't enjoy today's LJ since I didn't fit into the group but I liked that we got to walk around, made me feel so touristy XD Let's just hope that other LJs won't be as bad since it will be as a class and not in groups. I am looking forward to CLE LJ the most cause there will be shooting and it's like the only legit thing that I can do after 4 years in NCC. HAHA.

That's pretty much it for today I guess and heh, looking forward to Little India and Math tuition tmr :3

Update (5:31pm) : Looks like going to have breakfast with yj AHAHAH what is this , there I was thinking that today is gonna be one of those rare moments XD

HYPED UP

I have been really itching to do some blogging especially cause of all the events happening right now but the reason why i didn't/have not been is because my com charger spoilt and my com died. (I don't like blogging by phone cause the format will be weird) :( This is already my second one so if I told my parents they would kill me, since I recently got my com fixed and that took quite a sum of $ as well. :P I was so depressed over this whole issue that on Friday everyone (literally everyone i met) was telling me that i look depressed and were asking if anything was wrong. LUCKY ME THO. A friend of mine told me that her dad could fix it and i was like OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE. and BANG here I am typing out my laptop. <3<3 I am seriously so freaking thankful ohgod.

Anyways shall talk about FSD/PDS prelims. I was contemplating whether to go or not until like 8am on Sat morning cause well going meant having to walk that long hot road and having to smile and interact with people and having to stand in the sun for very long and having to see people i don't really want to see... Decided to go in the end cause I have to take As though i could like just tell the others to come pick them up but felt bad and felt obliged since I am their NCO. In the end I managed to drag myself there and well it wasn't a wasted trip cause I got to see people i have been wanting to see for along time like Sabby and enjoy HQ milo that i have been craving so much and got to interact with 3/14 of As :p Really would have been crazily good if all of them could have come but then again it's a weekend so they would have their personal matters too :) Not gonna have training with them for two weeks straight make me sad. :( Anyways, HQ is an awesome place except when packed with people. I really don't enjoy it much then. I guess I still feel uncomfortable around people .. haizz though i did use my homework as an excuse to not talk to people for awhile (As were so cute ahah "shh don't disturb sgt. she doing hw." XD Congratulations to those who advanced to finals and hope that those that didn't will come back stronger!! That was all about it I guess though I wish I could have stayed on to watch Peirce. 

I am super hyped up for LJ week as well cause it would be my last LJ week in my entire life and I hope to make it a memorable one!!! :):) I am gonna have breakfast with yj tmr woo! It might sound weird and exaggerated but I really looked up for hours for a nice cafe/eatery because it's gonna be our first breakfast together heh and at times like this I really wish San could join us sigh how nice would  it be :( Oh wells at least we can still eat lunch together at school so thats a plus! (trying my very best to positive) veryveryveryveryvery excited for march hols as well cause going to fly back home OH YEAH <3 Looking forward to it very excitedly hehe 

On a sidenote, a side of me was glad that i didn't see you but another side regrets so much since that might have been the very last chance. . .

Messed up internally

I am suddenly turning towards the insane side. Slowly building up pressure again. There's just too many things that are happening now that's breaking me slowly. Even at home. I just really need a break right now. It's not even a want. It's a fucking need. I feel so suffocated at times and i feel like i might just go back into a relapse if i don't do something now. Because i am more aware of myself, i keep telling myself to do something but i really am just lost. Maybe I should just run away for a day without telling anyone and sort my thoughts out. Maybe I should just sleep for two days straight and perhaps that will ease some tension in my mind. Maybe I should just open up to someone and cry and release all the things that's bottled up. If i were to be honest, there's just one thing i want to do. And it's really to let out all my feelings. There's so many things i want to say to so many people and i need to let them out but where? how? If only you were still here. I keep remembering you. It's getting annoying. I get angry at myself whenever i think about you but i do it unconsciously all the time. I don't know and maybe it's just me but I really feel like we have just stopped knowing each other and returned to being strangers even though we didn't fight or anything like that but it's more of like that silence goodbye. I just know. Why else would we be strangers now... I just feel like confronting you. You are the first person that i have so much to say to. I want to look into your eyes and say all these things that i have been wanting to say to you since long ago. Sometimes i get so angry and i just feel like really really going to you and confronting you. But i break down in tears instead and my legs would just give way. I freaking hate feeling this way and even more at the fact that i have little control over it. i have myself for being so weak when it comes to you. why you. why you out of everyone else. i though... i thought... never .. mind.. you never minded anyways...

1st Training

YAY! Technically the first training for me even though CCA started since Jan cause part As just came in ytd!!! Basically for the whole of jan, i just did log stuff and more log stuff. I was kinda happy doing it at first till i met As ytd cause i can't wait to have more trainings with them now! They are all so enthu. :D

I was quite surprised at this year number cause 12 is really a lot and i really hope that it will remain 12 until y4 or maybe even increase! Personally for me, all of them left great first impressions on me because i am somehow able to read them, i guess. It's true how they say that you will only know how it feels like to be a NCO until you get your own part and i felt it yesterday. I have high expectations for them because most of them look like they already have quite strong leadership qualities. I guess in terms of rules and manners, it will take some time for them to learn and apply even. Especially the part about this unspoken line between a senior to a junior because some of them still forget from time to time to be polite. Being polite does not mean that you have to treat your senior like you would to an adult, but more like knowing when to joke around and how much to joke around i guess.  I am sure they will learn as time goes by especially when we officially start training, they will probably learn from other senior to junior interactions :) Reading from their faces, i think they kind of got it when we told them the basic rules yesterday.  Most of them admitted that it's their first choice so i hope they won't be that sian. 

Looking forward to Thursday training with them!!  

Realist

It has already been two months into the new year and honestly i am not that stressed out yet. YET. I have been trying to sort out all the mess especially in terms of relationships i guess... It's so weird because i still remember this time exactly last year. And now that it's a year later, everything is so different despite me a year ago imagining things to be the same. Time really change people huh? Inclusive of myself. People who meant the world to me at this time last year are now people that i would never want to look in their eyes again. There's just too many changes and ironically i made them happen. Though i hate changes. I knew i had to confront my own fears because i don't want to end up exploding again like in sec 2. It was a different scenario than now and yet the aftermath was ugly. With the circumstances now, if i were to go off again, this time would surely produce very different and even worse results and no i don't want that to happen again. That's why i had to let it all out so that pressure doesn't build up in me again because the last thing i want is for 2015 to end ugly again like the past two years. No, i want to end things prettily and graduate happily. I don't regret letting it out. I don't regret it but it's still uncomfortable and somethings just keep making me feel weird inside. It's no longer that feeling of a bomb ticking away because there's no reason for me to explode so i guess that's a weight off my shoulder cause i no longer feel that monster inside of me. though i know it's still there somewhere deep inside because the truth is we all have a little monster inside of us...and mine is just scarier  

Anyways that's all about my condition now and i got back my DISC profile a few days ago. I have always believed in things like these and wow it was really accurate. I got SI which is S for steadiness and I for influential. The report said that I am a person who is scared of losing social acceptance and i will do my best to be socially accepted even if it meant going against my will. Like apparently i rather agree to an opinion whilst working with others even though my personal opinion may be different just because i am afraid that i would not be able to fit into the group and i would create an unfriendly atmosphere. It's true but there's also a limit for me. I really try my best to create a nice, friendly and harmonious atmosphere but there's just so much that i can do. In terms of NCC, i believe that i have tried for the past three years and even stretched my patience. And i am really in the process of learning to let go. Learning to accept the fact that I can only do so much and that sometimes i don't have to be afraid of being the mean one.

Just like what the instructor said, S people are scary because once you are able to attain to a certain level of relationship, they will trust you completely and be the most loyal friend you can find around. You will say that they are the most generous and kind people but they are like active volcanoes. Add a little pressure and nothing happens. Add some more and nothing happens. But if you keep adding up the pressure little by little, one day, not ever knowing when, they will just explode. Then, you see that side of them that you will never want to see again. Lose their trust and you will never gain it back. And no it isn't easy to lose their trust because they are very forgiving. Those sentences just killed me because it felt like he knew me all along and he summarized me so well and it nicely fits into the situation now.
As for D type of people, the dominant type, are the kind of people that get so obsessed with the task at hand that sometimes you forget about the people around you and tend to step on them, not literally. WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE BECAUSE SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT THE D TYPE AND WELL YEAH EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IS MAINLY DUE TO THAT REASON?? of course I proved all the others wrong too and weirdly i feel really satisfied about that.

Well, now all that's left to do is to keep going and not give up because it will all be worth it in the end.