I want it to be a secret between us

This morning in school platoon mates got shocked. They apparently received a text from x. It was a long message with a goodbye in the end. They were actually very very shocked and asked if I received one. The answer is yes but only that I was the one who initiated. I shouldn't have. I am regretting. A lot. My platoon mates were like "argh i am so sad. but why so sudden and unexpected?" I couldn't answer them. :')

Cracked?

Hahaha… I think my right hand bone cracked or fractured or smth. I felt extreme pain when i first tried out the AXP toss way way way way back at the start of March. But since then the pain went and came back so i thought it wasn't serious. But now it hurts to rotate the wrist, or to simply move it around. I can't separate the thumb from the rest of the fingers either. It hurts a lot. Like i feel like i am going to tear up anytime. I am hoping that it's just a fracture and nothing serious. I am going to apply cream and stuff and observe. If it really keeps on hurting, i might need to visit a doctor and get x-ray. Sigh and there i was thinking i am injured the least. Oh and talking about PDS, i really really really want us to perform for ORA. We need to impress the school as much as possible and also i want sec 4s to perform more. It's their last year so… :) I just hope that they will not make us perform. I suggested that we choreo and they perform. So nice of us right :p Hehe. Anyways for NDP, i want us to perform together as a team for the last time <3 That would be so memorable and cool. I want to put up a combined perf with FSD. Joyce was like "i don't mind but how high is the chance of one of us if not all of us dying? sm almost killed me three times already. if you can guarantee that none of us will die, we will perform." That was so freaking cute + funny ahahhaha. Aiya it's just a matter of formation and floor coverage. We can just ask the school to give like half the parade square lor. hehe. Hope they agree though :/ I really want to perform. But by then we will also be busy for next year comp. WE HAVE TO GET CHAMPS. Okay i have to go back to mugging history now. Bacon. If you get what i mean.

Watching from the sidelines

So today I had CCA. Wasn't willing to go at all. Cause super shag + felt like vomiting. But I still went. And became PT IC. Wasn't exactly the best thing to do when I already felt like pucking. I felt super bad for the company cause I screwed up quite bad. I was nervous plus wasn't sure if what I was doing was correct. Confidence confidence confidence. Haha I was quite freaked out. Still glad that SM chose to teach rather than scream. That reminded me of B NCOs. They were the only kind of leaders that I admired in NCC. Never screaming unneccasrily. They chose to teach. And I really really liked them. I still miss them. But I never let these feelings show in front of them. I have no idea why. I really screwed up being IC. Cause I forgot that the main point of the cooling down exercise was to pass down a message. HAHAHHA. I remembered half way lol.  Also I fell out halfway while jogging cause I had stitches. I was super sad. And then halfway while doing drills I fell out too cause i felt like I was going to faint. I really felt bad towards my platoon. They were standing under the sun doing drills and I was just there sitting and watching. But I really can't tahan. Oh god I feel like puking now. But while I was watching the company I felt really really touched by how everyone put in their best. I was able to see how Part As despite their small strength and the transition were still doing their best. I loved how part Bs had damn nice bangs and this "I can do this. We can do this." Determined face. I also liked how there were leaders among them who were able to take charge. Then my platoon. No doubt I was sad. When I looked at them the "special 7" isn't there anymore. I am not saying I don't like the air or anything but I still feel like it's a temporary arrangement. I just keep on remembering how crazy our platoon used to be and wish we can turn time back. But I must say their standards are improving. I can see it bit by bit. But I still feel like we are an incomplete puzzle. Like there's a few lagging and I want to help them. I want to be in their shoes and understand and let everyone improve together. Sighpie I am scared for ATC. But you know what if we do well for ATC then we will do well for specs as well. If we do okay for ATC then we will do above average for ATC. If we do badly for ATC WE NEED TO BUCK UP. My goal is for the platoon to be united before spec. To be a whole. Guess I am gonna have to be the bad guy again. But it's okay. As long as we are platoon mates forever as long as our friendship doesn't after pop as long as everyone can hold on and find their calling next year. I just want next year to be a special and meaningful one for all of us. 

Goodbye?

"Goodbyes are never really hard when you know it's just a prelude to another hello." 

And yes i know. I know that it's just a few months till we can go back to how we used to be. Or even in a better relationship but I am not so sure. I am not sure if this goodbye is really a prelude to a hello. Because I am scared. I am scared that I will lose you. Lose us. Haha is this like some kind of long distance bgr?? It's staring to sound like it haha. But it was hard. I spent the entire day thinking and thought that it was the best solution. Now I am regretting maybe it wasn't. It's just not me. I used to make decisions and never regret about them but now I regret a lot. Growing up makes me decide lots of stupid decisions. 

To be honest I don't even know why I said goodbye when I wasn't even sure in the first place of whether I am confident enough to let go for a while. I really really don't know why the hell I did that. To be honest no reply came after my text so maybe just maybe she wanted a goodbye. Did I read things wrongly? Have I mistaken busy for ignoring? I am too scared to do anything. I am not sure what to do. Someone help me. I wish I hadn't initiated the goodbye. Because goodbyes are painful. Even when it's a prelude to a hello. 

Finally….

So yay!!! Finally we finished the competition yesterday!! I was actually quite nervous but I didn't let it show. As nervous as I was, I was quite confident that i won't make any mistakes or drop the rifle. But… OMG OMG OMG I DROPPED THE RIFLE. AND IT WAS QUITE AT AN EARLY PART OF THE ROUTINE. I WAS DOING THIS THING CALLED 'WATERFALL' WHERE I LET GO OF THE RIFLE FROM MY LEFT HAND AND LET IT ROLL DOWN MY BACK AND MY LEFT HAND IS SUPPOSED TO CATCH IT BUT BUT BUT WHILE IT WAS ROLLING DOWN MY BACK I LOOKED AT THE AUDIENCE AND LOST FOCUS SO THE RIFLE DROPPED. It didn't drop all the way down to the floor so I was able to catch it without bending down whew… BUT I FELT SO FREAKED OUT. What was going through my mind was "freak I could fu* do it just now so many times why WHY WHY WHY??!!" but then i regained composure and told myself to forget about it. So i just went on with the routine as usual THEN AFTER WE ENDED I CRIED. I tried so hard not to because there were so many freaking people. But i just broke down. Ma'am x was super nice tho <3 She gave me this super "stern" and encouraging speech and told me to look in her eyes (haha i couldn't' cause i was crying) SHE WAS REALLY SUPER NICE <3 I AM SO GRATEFUL TOWARDS HER. It has been quite a great journey so far for the past five months and I am proud of us no matter what our results are. I don't give a damn towards haters because i myself know how much efforts the team has put in. I have consistently went for ALL trainings and really really have seen how much EVERYONE OF THE TEAM has put in their 150%. I am PROUD of EVERYONE. Sure not ALL has done their 150% but near the competition, ALL TRIED. Though at first there were people that didn't even put in any efforts or put in little efforts, near the competition date, i swear i saw EVERYONE TRIED. And I am freaking proud of that. <3<3<3 Looking forward to ORA, NDP AND NEXT YEAR'S PERFORMANCES. <3 WE CAN DO THIS!!!

History

"You write your own history." ~ me,myself and I

I have seen people who are haunted by their past. I have had my fair share of painful and haunting past. Everytime I feel like it affects my decisions I will tell myself that I am never going to repeat it. What happenED was in the PAST therefore it's history. History doesn't repeat on it's own. You create history. You write your own history. Therefore there is no reason to dwell and be haunted by the past but rather learn from it and creat new amazing chapters in your life. 

All over the place

I have no idea what I am feeling. I am just feeling all over the place. I have a freaking competition this coming Saturday. And I can't even concentrate on that. But the competition IS the main cause in stirring my feelings. So I guess come this Saturday and I would be free of a burden on my shoulder? Finally I can let go of many things? Okay actually the thing is I am caring too much. My other group of friends tell me that. And then I reflected and realized that I really really gave up too much time for that certain group of people.p I am trying to change for the better. But it's hard. It's really getting harder and harder by the days. But I am trying as well. I am trying to change and not hurt anyone around me. I have hurt enough people haven't I? 

New term

The sky is really nice today. I like the sky. It's actually very interesting. School is starting. This time round, the one week term break felt super long. Though I had Burmese exams and CCA and was super duper busy, I still find it super long. I used to complain that it's short but now I find it long. I don't want school. This is the first time I have said this in my life. I don't want school. After all those happened I am just not ready... Just not ready to face the huge crowd. School opening means more work more interactions more social life more ... Of everything. And I am not ready to let it all come rushing in. But if I look at it from another pov I can use this chance to keep myself busy and make myself into a better person. I think I choose the latter. For now I shall do whatever I can to regain energy for the new term. FIGHTING!!! I can do this!!!

</3

So...I guess I can finally understand things now. I am even more scared now. I only have two weeks left sure. But that two weeks is going to be a torture man. When you want someone to disappear from your life two weeks to do that is pretty long. On a brighter note I have come to a conclusion. Everything was my fault and I have to take responsibility for it. To take responsibility means I have no right to be hurt or upset. I have to make it up by letting them do whatever they please. Because after all I hurt them. As for myself I should become poker and things will be so much easier. I would just shut everyone out. Because it is easier. At times memories come back and it hurts because I know I can never recreate them or make new ones anymore. But it's okay I have no right to anyways. I prefer that memories come back though cause then I can at least remember that person. If I can I want to turn back time. Replay everything. 

Sigh...

You know how i have decided to try to distance myself from everything. Like I have decided not be so overly caring anymore. But i just can't. When people text me saying how sad they are or how depressed they are, I used to like really really get into it. Like I would just throw myself into the situation to help out. But note "I used to". I told myself no more. I am not going to be the idiotic fool who is gonna do anything and everything to help someone else and only to be ditched in the end. And yet i can't. I was supposed to but now i find myself saying "yes" to a request that i don't want to do. I am really stupid aren't I? Sigh… I don't even understand myself anymore...

You are just scared…that's all

Today i went to support a competition. I went to support my school and school A. Then i saw school B and since i knew some of them, i went over to wish them best of luck. But walao they just daoed me. Most of them. Only one of them was was happy and thanked me. I understand that they might be nervous/excited for their competition but the way they reacted was just damn rude. No manners at all, not cool.

Then I saw school C. They are the best. Completely ignored me even though i smiled. A few days ago we already met and they warned me then that I shouldn't be coming to them since it was so near competition and we are all competitors. Do you have any idea how annoying it was? Inside of me, i flipped. Like hell yeah we are "competitors" but eh different categories sia. You all in boys category and we are in girls. Don't freaking get worked up can??? Also at least smile lah.

School A just completely made my day. Since i knew most of them and they already knew i was coming down, they were damn cute. I wish everyone was like them. It is indeed competition but chillax, if you have what it takes, you will definitely get what you deserve.

When you get overly competitive, honestly, it shows you aren't confident. Either that or complacent. Neither is good. You aren't confident because you know yourself your own weaknesses and you are only covering it up by acting all mighty. Complacency has never been a good thing so yeah. Freak grow up.

Back to square one

Right now over the past few days, a lot of things have happened. Somehow I feel like it's all my fault. I wanted to talk to my friends about it and ask for their opinions as always but then after thinking over for quite a while, i realized they will never actually know the full picture. I have held on for two years. Two freaking years. I have always been there for me, the mother hen of the pack. Other friends tell me to let go. They tell me I care too much. I have no life. I used to laugh it off and continued to do things my way. Going out of my way to help everyone, trying to be the middleman, be the bad guy and I told myself I am going to be the string that holds everything together. Even if it means that i am tired. Even if it means that i might just collapse someday. Then now I am at this point where I have come to question myself "Why do i care?". Then, I realized for the past two years, I have cared without a reason. Held on without a reason. Put in my all without a reason. And now i am tired. I have collapsed. I don't know when I can rise again. Maybe I never will.

Two years is actually pretty long to hold on I guess. What broken me down, what made me collapse, what made me weary is that no matter how much i try, we always go back to square one. I tried to be the string to connect everyone, in the end, I turned out to be the scissor that cut the rope. So now I am just a two pointed blade that hurt everyone around me. and myself. So i decided to just hurt myself in the end. I told myself I won't care anymore. Then a few seconds after i made that decision, I immediately worried for someone. Someone who told me her problems. I had my own problems but i forgot about them and got really worried for her. I wondered what i should do to help, then i realized "Hey, I wasn't supposed to care…" So I figured being the idiotic psychopath isn't the path for me. Instead I will continue being the string just that not so obvious, like the backstage of a musical, nurses in a hospital, cleaners. Not the most glamours job in the society but actually they are the most important jobs which without we would not be able to function properly. I will just be the invisible string.

But no doubt it still hurts me. What happened still hurst me like as if i was being cut up into pieces. Everytime I replay the situation and think of what I should have done instead, it hurts… Like I don't know, it just hurts to even think about it. I would get angry at myself and then cry myself to sleep. And yet i replay the situation a million times in my head and think of how i could have handled it better. Then it gets more painful and i get angrier. All i get in the end is just anger and pain.

They say time heal wounds. But when? Wait, will it even heal…? And if it does, how long must i wait? How long must I wait until when i can talk about the matter and laugh it off, how long must i wait until when i will not be tormented by the "what if" thoughts at night, how long must i wait until when i can finally face you again and smile, how long must i wait until when i can finally finally be freed from the past. What has happened is indeed in the past and it is wise to let go. I am supposed to live in the present and dream of the future. That's what i have been doing up till now, up till i lost everything.

A new outlet…?

I have no idea what I am doing to be honest. I don't know if this is a good idea to have a blog but then again, I don't mind sharing my thoughts I guess. It's fascinating how what i post is actually visible to everyone around the world. At the same time, there are the underprivileged who don't get the chance. To me, an outlet to my stress, cries, rant has been my friends. I used to tell them everything, share my joy, sadness, problems, everything… But right now I don't know if I am going to continue to doing that. I mean they are still great friends to me but I am getting tired of everything. I am really tired. So I thought maybe I should try something new. A new outlet. A new place for me to write out my thoughts. To share my everything with someone. If there were any readers at all… So here's a try. Internet is a fascinating place because you are connected to everyone around the world but it's also scary because of that. The fact that everyone can see everything that you do on the Internet can be really scary at times. But I don't blame the presence of Internet. Nowadays people blame social media for lack of face to face communication, gaming addicts and etc. But is social media really to be blamed? I think not. It is how we use that will affect how things are now. If we use social media to connect with everyone around the world to make it a better place then we are making the best out of it. The best out of what we have. Sadly, people use social media to do all kinds of stupid bullshit. Like come on, at least do something useful out of it man.