It hurts me to see you like this...

I guess I am finally recovering… Not fully recovered but on a speedy recovery and i should be fine by the end of may…May is one hectic month cause everything is jam packed together and not forgetting TAs as well… Let's see, ORA, open house, TAs and ATC. These are really really huge events that i cannot afford to fail at all. I need to score well for TAs because i have to save my sem 1 since i did badly in term 1 and for ORA and open house, i need to make sure my PDS improves (gosh i have not been training for too long oh no) and and ATC, i need to really do well because heh i want to go SSC. So well May is busy and that should keep me occupied and not leave me to have weird thoughts about dying. Anyways, I am pretty sure I am getting better and better daily and its all thanks to certain people.

But now it seems like those people aren't doing very well instead of me… Like W, it has been so long since i last knew how she's doing but i can tell she isn't doing very well. Why? Because she looks so pale. Her face is pale as if she's very sick. I just hope she hasn't been pushing herself too much and remember to take regular breaks. R, well this one is like I don't know anymore LOL. This shu shu seems to be really really tired and all i can do is cheer him on. I am very worried about these two and if you ask me why, i honestly don't know. Maybe it's because they have helped me so much when I was all alone and I wouldn't have done it without them. Or maybe it's because i always always grow overly emotionally attached to people. Whichever it is, I just hope that they are feeling better. Well, at least they have people they can confide in so thats a good start. I just feel like this overly attached and clingy person. Heh. I feel so useless not being able to do anything but i am pretty sure that i won't be much of help even if I can do something so yeah…

Eh physics and SS papers are next mon and i don't really feel very prepped and thats a bad thing because I need to do well for both. All i can do is crazily study till mon and hope that the papers won't be set to a very difficult level. Sigh who am i kidding… Obv the papers will be hard...

How much more to go???

I just want to talk to you so bad </3. I saw that you were online and i swear i almost typed out smth and almost sent it… I don't know apparently this is weird cause its weird to be so attached to a senior. But she means more than just a senior tho… It's as if she was my real older sister… Maybe cause i treated her like one so i am getting so affected by this separation. When i say how much more to go, i don't really know anymore cause say it's POP tmr, i really don't know what will happen to us. Will we return back to where we were or will we have to start afresh or will we return to strangers…

And for ytd and today, when i am not high or happy, I just get ridiculously sad and angry. Mostly anger. Like angry at everything and everyone… and then i will just sit there zoning out… When i am high like when i was watching drama or when i was fooling around in CPR course, i just get ridiculously high.

OMGOMOGMGOGOGMOGMOGMOG SORRY I AM HIGH AGAIN SEE LAH TWO SO DIFFERENT MOODS IN ONE POST GOSH. CPR was da bomb man. Omg that guy who was talking on the mic ended up singing "1,2,3,4 and save a life save a life" OMG so this apparently the speed of how fast we should perform CPR but it was so funny when he sang lololol. The instructor ended up laughing at me cause I couldn't press down properly to get a depth of 5cm and then i was just fooling around the entire time until i couldn't stop laughing. LOLOLOL. AND THEN AND THEN they told us to fill up a survey and gosh so embarrassing. Instead of writing my index number, i thought they asked for phone no and wrote down mine and then my classmate who was collecting the form was like "omg who is this idiot??? the one who wrote phone no instead of index??" AND THEN I WAS LIKE OMG ROLLED ON THE FLOOR. And and and when i was desperately trying to shade the no so that they wont be able to see the instructor came in front of me and JUST LAUGHED AND WAS LIKE "WAH SO DESPO. WANT US TO CALL U AH??" OMG MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT IN Y3 SO FAR. OH GOD LIKE CAN U NOT. And then i ended up watching CLIF during chinese cause free block! It's so nice. Why didn't anyone tell me they were airing >:( gosh i missed out so much of my lyfe. Srsly tho CPR was the best. I wouldn't mind going for it again next year heh.

hhahaahahahah CHERYAN

Okay so to say that my entire day has been filled with anger would be wrong thanks to someone. LOLOLOL. CHERYAN. RYRIN. CHERAN. CHERY. OMG SO MANY CUTE SHIP NAMES. As in I know this is just a joke but well can't help it since i have the mentality of a five years old. andandand sorry Millen. Oops didn't mean to piss him off heh. Just wanted to joke around. He kinda seem flexible tho so hope he aint too angry. But but pretty sure ryan is sick and tired of me hehehehheehe. I like to spam his phone. Well second only to Ji Won. OMG JI WON CAN YOU NOT WITH UR CEREALS AND UR SIS REPLYING. I BET SHE THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD FOR TYPING IN KOREAN AND SAYING I LOVE YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN. WELL I WAS BEING WEIRD AND UR SIS HAD TO WITNESS THAT. THANKS ALOT.

WOO I AM DAMN HIGH RN. LIKE I CAN'T EVEN. AHAHAHAHAHAH OMGOMGOMG CHERIN JIE JIE AHAHAHAHHAH. Okay sorry. Seriously tho my anger just vanished like woosh woosh woosh hehehehe. Glad i have people like ji won who don't judge me. but uh srsly… sorry for swearing…. i wont' do that ever again...BUT OMG THAT PABO DON'T READ MY BLOG. GOSH IF YOU DON'T READ JI WON WHO ELSE WILL?? I AM PRETTY SURE W DOESN'T READ THIS ANYMORE SO HOW CAN U NOT JI WON SO MEANIE </3 BUT BUT BUT TAKE CARE DURING TIOMAN TRIP. I don't feel safe somehow it's a dangerous place okay??? AND I WON'T BE THERE TO TAKE CARE OF HER. I THINK I WOULD TEXT/CALL HER EVERY MORNING AND NIGHT JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE'S SAFE AND EATING PROPERLY AND ALL THAT STUFF LOLOL. But but but but OMG WHY AM I HIGH? AND LION ISN'T REPLYING MY WHATSAPP. PSH. What's with your "omg so sweet" are yOu like TalKing to CHErin??? aahahhha okay sorry but thank you so much for the wonderful laughs and sorry for being so annoying. hahaha. :P:P:P:P

Anger

So unlike other days today wasn't even emotional. Not like a rollercoaster where I experience the strongest and weakest feelings. Today was just me getting angry at everyone... Well except some...

First off I woke up late and was late for school. Couldn't take cab cause even then I would be late so what for right? Waste money only. On the way to school somehow memories started playing back... Memories of everything as far back as to part A year and I just felt like standing on the train forever. I wasn't near crying but I just let all these memories play back and my mind was blank. Stuck, not in the present but the past. Then at school during Bio, I got really really pissed off by my class bcos mrs Huang wasn't here and assigned us work but they were all joking and laughing around. I swear the noise level could be heard from at least two classes away. It isn't appropriate to make noises when other classes are having lessons and all we are doing is interrupting them. Also there's work assigned at least attempt them... Or maybe it was just my foul mood cause I ended up swearing. I seriously ended up swearing... At the whole class. Now that I think about it I feel so apologetic. At this rate I am not going to be a very good chairperson. I am just going to end up letting everyone down... 

Then it was RS. Well it didn't turn out too bad but I am still very annoyed at group mates. I really got super mad at them but managed to hold in whatever I wanted to say. 

CCA. Start was great cause well only 6 people. Others were running for class relay. We really got scolded a lot because well near specs heh. I don't mind all the scoldings but I really don't know whether it will make a difference. Then we did 40 push-ups cause we owe them 700 in total. AHAHHAHA. Damn retarded. And each time we have to do more than the previous time. So ah... All I can say is I don't think we can clear them lol. But was still pissed with some of them == they just bitched Abt K. I know she isn't up to standard but srsly she's trying. I can see that okay. Stop being mean to her and help her change. If you don't want to help gtfo. Thank you very much. 

Never been so angry at so many people over a long period of time... It's just so unlike me or maybe this is who I am becoming. Too tired to think...

Changing for the better or the worse?

I saw a change in myself. And I really don't know whether it's better or is it me going down the wrong path. I used to throw myself into every situation when someone comes to me with a problem. I tried my best to help and I tried to solve their problems. But it's not like that anymore. When someone comes to me and rant my first instinct is to quickly throw myslef into the situation but now a second instinct quickly accompanies it. "Don't meddle in other's affairs. Just leave it." And then I stop myself from trying to be the over friendly person... There are still times when I can't control myself and I end up in someone else's problems. But for now I think it's enough. Because being a middle man means it's a two edged blade. You hurt both sides and yourself. I don't do things for the sake of you thanking me my entire life but I sure would appreciate if you could at least try to remain as friends and not ditch me. It hurts when in the end all you do is to leave me without saying anything as if everything was my fault. Do you really know how I felt for the past two years? Do you seriously think I was that happy person for 24/7? Sure I was a very optimistic and cheerful person but there are times when I cry myself to sleep and it's all because of me being a middle man. You talked about how we would be friends forever and we will always be there for each other blah blah blah. Really? Where were you when I was crying? Where were you when I needed your help? You ran away. You made me the middle man using an excuse saying that someone listens to me better and made me pass messages to that someone. That someone till today thinks I am double faced. Thinks I betrayed her. Because I understood her and now she feels that I no longer do. The fact is I never really understood anyone's feelings. I believe that everyone has unique feelings and only you yourself has access to them and can feel them. I never understood but at least I knew how to react. I tried to understand and acted according to your feelings. And now it's not that I don't understand any longer. It's just me passing on messages from the other people. And you misunderstood. You wouldn't believe my explanation and you left me. You wouldn't even talk to me anymore. You just left. I tried my best to understand you and you? You just left because trying to understand me is hard isn't it? And the other people? When I explained the situation all you said was "You were never alone in this. You should have known better. You are so stubborn trying to do things on your own. Why didn't you tell us???" I did. I told you. But you ran away. And now you are leaving me too. Better still some of you were never even there for me. 

Sure all these are in the past and I should forget them all but there are times when I suddenly think of them. I am suffocating myself with school work and family now. So that I won't have free time to idle then think of the past and get hurt all over again. But there are times when all these feelings come back raw. As if it just happened. The pain is awfully raw and you feel like everything is your fault. Every you built in yourself for your entire life feels like it's all breaking apart. And once again you are trapped in the past with nowhere to run except in the past. 

No one understands me and I don't ask for anyone to understand me either. That's too much of a request. Seriously no one will understand lol. 

I have like five papers next month and my last two papers, math and chem, my worst subjects, are on the same day as ATC. ATC is really serious because if I fail ATC, I wouldn't even need to go specs assessment. Auto fail liao. I started revisions but I have to work at least ten times harder. I need to do really well on these papers. Also tomorrow should be extremely fun heh. Orienteering then dragon boating. WITH COMPANY!!! Well at least I would get to know my juniors that I never knew at all heh. And I really want to talk to that someone. I am very good at being straightforward. I usually isn't afraid of being judged for that. It's just I am not sure if that person wants to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to that person. It's just being me the one who is always forgotten and being left out. And yet hoping for impossible miracles. I am used to waiting. So I shall wait. Even if it's my entire life long. :) 

Troubles...

It's already five weeks into term 2 and our class haven't got into our deco yet… ALL other classes are pretty much done and we have NONE. I am supposed to get them to start doing everything but because of PDS comp and what happened to me after i couldn't…. i lost track of everything … which is why i felt guilty and "spring cleaned" the class ytd… And guess what we just got ourselves into a huge trouble… Almost all our subject teachers complained to our FT and now FT wants to talk to us (EXCO) on Fri plus she sent an email to ALL subj teachers including the LEVEL HEAD and talked about how we need discipline and she told me this morning that we need to start having punishments already… Everything seems to be going wrong right now… the class doesn't know much tho they got warning this morning. They are still laughing happily and making lots of noises during lessons. I feel like dying. I am probably going to get really scolded cause i am not setting a good example in class and i haven't done anything at all as a chairperson. Mrs Huang is probably very very disappointed in me rn… Also I feel bad because I feel like i am being a "traitor" in the sense that I am "telling on" them. Plus I nagged at them a lot ytd night and I felt like I was being a busybody. Now I ask myself "What the hell was I thinking when I wanted to be class chair?!?!" What if that time Stevie hasn't said anything and so I would have become a class secretary and someone else would be chair and would probably do way better than me ... But this kind of thinking won't get me anywhere. It's time I start correcting myself. I should do better way better than now and stop disappointing teachers. Sigh this is like a repeat of NCC. Me nagging and nagging and seniors chasing after me and me nagging at plat mates again and so the cycle goes on... That was two years ago and I stopped doing that this year. The start of the year I still did since I was worried Abt merger but near PDS comp I lost myself and I lost it all. And now I am back again except this time seniors aren't as crazy heh. But still it sucks trying to pass information down while trying not to sound naggy/spam their phones... And now my class. I just can't have a day of peace. As soon as I think there are no problems something crops up. Starting tmr I should start living up to expectations. No no starting now. Got to start with class deco. Heh I alrdy have a vague idea tho! Can do it after sch on fri b4 Chinese hehe. I CAN DO THIS HWAITING!!! 

"To be a leader, you have to show them what you want to teach them." ~ lion 

Hmm… so a couple of things that three people told me…
1) A - You have to isolate yourself for the time being and search within you what you really want and what you really need. You are a mess right now and i suggest you really literally isolate yourself and think things through.
2) B - Be strong. Be a leader. You may feel like giving up at times, running away or simply crying. But don't. Stay strong. There's a reason why you are a leader. To be strong when no one else is. So don't give up. Stop crying. Get up and move on.
3) C - Denying yourself love is weak not strong. So don't ever distance yourself from your friends. You are beautiful.

So no one actually really knows the entire picture heh obv. Cause i never told anyone everything. But what they all said, when i pieced them altogether, it somehow makes sense and somehow i realize that i was being a little whinny kid who was crying when i was supposed to be strong. So i kind of thought through things and have found solutions and who i want to be. My first goal is to stop being over "nice". Like i tried to do everything for everybody for the past two years. And that greatly affected my studies and emotions. So now i shall back off. And guess what? I found myself doing the same things today. == Just when i thought i was finally able to control myself… Like i spent one whole freaking hour to clean my classroom ALONE cause it was super messy and i just "nagged" at my classmates for their behavior during class, to be on time for morning assemblies etc etc… And that was something i told myself to stop doing. First of all, i should have asked those on duty/entire class to help me clean but i was like "oh they have cca. they need to go home." then i was reflecting just now and i realized "what about myself? Don't i need to study too?" So yeah. That was very bad i guess. I should have gotten people to help instead of trying to be a crazy superwoman. But hey! The classroom is SUPER CLEAN AND ORGANIZED HEHEHEHEH SO HAPPY <3<3<3

okay bye. I am longing for sushi. UGH I am going to eat hand roll tmr heh

안녕이제goodbye

I am weak. I am not strong. Yes I am trying to do exactly that. Pushing people alway and denying myself love. And I do it out of fear. I do it out of fear that it would all be gone one day.

 "Aren't you scared? Scared that you might just lose it all one day?"~unknown

"I am a grenade. A grenade that is going to blow up one day and leave many casualties behind." ~The fault in our stars

And that fits me exactly as of now. Wild thoughts run through my mind every second. What if my family gets into an accident? What if my best friends all hate me now? What ifs... 

The six people that I used to place as first in my life? I am losing them. I have become so distant without even knowing why. 

Ji Won? I burden her so much. I tell her all these heavy stuff every other day and she wastes her time worrying over me who isn't worth it. 

You? I probably burdened you the most. I couldn't even protect you when someone called you slut. I couldn't even protect you when tears were streaming down your face. I couldn't even comfort you when you were feeling the worst. I couldn't even be there for you. Tell me. Do you still think I deserve you? You are surrounded by a thousand times better people. No a million times better. I rather see you from far than be near you and give you harm. That's why I choose to leave because I rather see you happier than be stubborn and stay by your side. 

A? I thought I finally found someone who understand me. Then I realize we were not even friends. We couldn't even be considered friends and just like that I lost yet another person. Or rather I let go. 

So I am trying to let go of everyone now. I am going to blow up one day like a grenade and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I am trying to minimize casualties. I am losing myself. Just hate me alright? Hate me because I am not keeping my promises. I am a bad person. A bad guy. Just just forget about me okay??? 

PrayForSouthKorea

I know how it feels like to lose a friend. A classmate. I lost one last year. I wasn't even that close to her. I would occasionally praise her guitar skills though she rarely played. I promised her we would pass 2.4km run together. (we failed in y1 so i told her we would run 2gether and def pass in y2) It's the little things that i said to her that brings back all the memories. Smiling at each other, occasionally chatting. Then the news came so suddenly. Hospitalized. In a week, exactly a week, she passed away after. I cried. I cried a lot because I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to tell her "You are really really good at guitar. It's okay that you failed the run because hey i am a healthy person with two lungs and i flunked it. Surely you are better than me because you were running with one lung…"It felt like she was gonna show up in class the next day as if nothing was wrong. We put a huge teddy bear in her seat for a week or so and that seriously ate me up inside all the time. The absence of someone sitting in that chair would have been more bearable than a huge teddy bear sitting there reminding me of her every single second. I remember when we once went home together. We talked for quite long and that was when i realized that she wasn't as quiet as she seems to be in class. She was friendly. I still miss her. We weren't even close and yet it was a huge loss to me. So imagine those korean students in high school, they must be in real pain. To lose a friend as sudden as in a few hours.

I heard of stories of students,teachers and other passengers, risking their lives to save others'. They have sadly passed away but i am sure they died a heroic death. Moreover, they should all be celebrated in korea history. May your souls rest in peace. As much as it's painful for those who have passed away, it is extremely painful and torturing to those who have lived on. They might (MIGHT) have the guilt that they are the survivors while others didn't make it or "I am alive because that person saved me and now that person has lost his/her life.I don't deserve to live." To those people, take time to recover. But also continue to live your life with gratitude and spread on the kindness. You escaped death in a nick of time so live a life that's worth it. To the families, friends and relatives of those who have passed away, stay strong. Know that they have moved onto a better place and allow them to rest in peace. I am sure they are looking down and smiling at you from heaven. Let us all pray for those missing to be found alive very soon. My deepest condolences to everyone in Korea. May we all take a minute of silence and pray.

#PrayForSouthKorea
"People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, pain is over." Jim Morrison

Bye

I am going to forget about you now. I am going to let go of you. I am never going to look back. I will keep our memories and maybe revisit them at night when I am feeling nostalgic. Or maybe now and then when it's raining and I think of you. I will treasure the memories. There's no way that we can go back to how we were after I told you all that heavy stuff and the recent events. I think I am just going to say goodbye forever. And so this goodbye will hurt because it is sadly not a prelude to a hello. And so I will get out of your life forever. 

Friday

Yesterday was painful in both good and bad ways. It felt like a dream for an hour cause i talked to you, played with you, heard your voice … and saw you… But it ended with another goodbye.
"Bye bye!"
"Another one?"
And i couldn't' answer… I was late for break. But i didn't mind. Because i saw you even tho it was just 15 mins...
But what happened after was a painful one… heh. Tbh i don't even know what happened but someone hinted that something happened. I was gonna ask "please tell me." Then i realized never mind. I am going to let go. Yup this is s new rn. Letting go. LOL. Letting go of smth that i held onto so tightly for the past two years. So i am losing my mind. Cause lol i don't know what i am doing anymore.

I am losing

I am losing. Losing in this battle between me and another me. A part of me wants to be around people and laugh till I run out of breath. That part of me wants to return to being the old me. Someone who smiled and laughed and was around people all the time. But another part of me now embraces silence. Alone. Just me and my thoughts. That part of me doesn't like crowds nor emotional attachments. And I am losing to the latter. I don't know what's happening. This story. When is it ending? 

A monster

I am scared. I am scared of what's happening. I am scared of growing up. I have two yrs left in rg. Then 2 yrs in JC. I am scared of JC. Scare = hyperventilating NO I DONT WANT IT WHAT THE HELL IS JC? CAN I JUST STAY AT 15 FOREVER? So yeah. And then I start to think of my future. What do I want to be? A teacher? (Smth I had passion for till 13yrs) or a doctor? (Smth my parents want me to be badly) or a pilot? (Smth which I recently found some passion for) or a social worker? (Smth which I have ALWAYS wanted to be but it's way impossible) Why is it impossible? Well let's see 1) my entire family WILL kill me 2) I will probably end up begging for my own food 3) I am not rich so there is no way I can help ppl. Come on this world is made up of money. Don't you see it? People talk about working hard all the time. Yeah working hard does pay off. But you gotta admit that everything's about money too.  You have money and you are always one step ahead of those who don't. Right now I want someone. Someone who understands me. I want someone who will never leave me. I moved to SG in 2008. 01.03.2008. I cried a lot. I was so upset then. I left behind my life. A life I had so blissfully been blessed with. I had a whole neighbourhood who were always taking care of me. A grandma who never ever whined and raised me till 10yrs old. And I had to leave all those ppl behind. I miss them so much. When I came to SG that was the third time I had seen my dad in my entire life. I saw him for three months when I was 3 and another three months when I was 5. Then now I was going to have to live with him. And ofc my mum. Mum wasn't that much of a difference either. She worked in moe back in Myanmar. So she was MIA for like 3/4 of my life too. But after 6yrs I have gotten used to living with them now. But I miss grandma so much. I have only went back once - last June. At that time I saw a lot of people change. The neighborhood was filled with ppl that moved in after I left. My previous neighbors were awkward with me. So was I awkward with them. Then my relatives. Even they changed. The only one who didn't change was my grandma. She is so awesome. With one glance she knows exactly what's wrong with me. Whether I had any problems. I love her. I want to go back Myanmar and live there for one simple reason. To take care of my grandma. I don't like the way my cousin sister treats her. Or the way my aunt whines about having to do so much. I want to go back and cook for her just like how she did for me. I want to sit down and spend the warm summer afternoons with her and listen to her childhood stories. I miss everything. Everything that I used to do with her. On rainy afternoons we used to watch movies together. I miss the weather too. Sure sg's weather is nice as well. With pretty clouds everyday. But I miss the four seasons. Winter, summer, autumn and rain. 

I want someone that I can tell all these things and more to. I want someone that will never leave me. All left. I just want a friend whom I can always talk to. It feels like no one understands me. 

I am sick of school. I am not talking about studies. But the duties I have. It's tiring. I am tired of everything. I am tired of life. 

I am not like you. I am not a hermit. People read me easily. I am a very transparent person. Yeah i know what you told me last night. To trust that i will go through this all. But i don't trust myself. "Who is the happier man? He who have braved the storm or he who have merely existed on the shore?"The correct answer is obviously the one who have braved the storm. But right now i rather exist. I rather exist on the shore and be broken. Or maybe i am alrdy broken. I was scared of others but now I am scared of myself. Because I am turning into someone i don't want to be. I am scared. Of me. I want to be alone. But it's not possible. I have school. And at school, i can't zone out. For the obvious reason I am in charge of things. I am in charge of making sure the class go down on time for assembly. I am in charge of making sure the class brings lesson materials to school. I am in charge of making sure the class behaves, making sure their socks are of acceptable length. Most important of all, teachers expect me to be smiling and leading the class. But i can't smile. I don't fee like smiling. And what do you expect me to do when they keep wearing ankle socks to school? I have reminded them/texted them, tried everything i can. If they don't listen, what am i supposed to do? I am in this state where i really want to be alone where i can figure things out but i am expected to carry out my daily tasks. I forgot i had PE block and i didn't bring my shorts and that is not acceptable because i am supposed to be the example. But i am not confident anymore. I am not confident of being the leader anymore. For i can't even lead myself. At this rate, i am going down the wrong path. I am destroying myself and i am afraid i will never rise again. Heh. I am a very weird and stupid person so to whoever read all this, i think you came to the wrong place. I am not someone worth your time.

Dedicated to someone

To whoever found out my blog and wrote about the "owners abandoning their houses… more like abandoning their pets…either way it's not desirable. Not at all." Look i have no idea whether you are a senior/junior but i don't give a damn. Whether you are reading this for fun or whatever reason you have i don't give a fuck. Look if you really have time go do something productive. I don't really care. To W, no i am not going to private this or anything because there's a reason why i have a blog. I have a blog because i need an outlet. I need an outlet to let things out cause i have kept in too much. I made it open so that ppl can read it. I am not a hermit. Neither am i a poker. So i don't care. But I am sorry tho. And I miss you. Glad that you had fun ytd and hope you continue to have fun but honestly last time i saw you, you looked thinner. Or maybe its just me. Someone told me you are doing fine, that someone also said you needed time to think things through and i am finally accepting that this may be for the best. I really miss you. Crazily. At times, i feel like just texting you because i can't hold it in then i start crying. But I think we both need time. A break from everyone. Everything around us. While i go try to figure out this question "What is your purpose in living?", you go figure out yours. Thank you for all this while and i am still looking forward to the sushi. Just four more months to go yay! :)

P.S. "If you want to be nice, look up at the sky and tell yourself it's beautiful. Then ask yourself why you do bad to it." ~ Someone who is cool and inspirational.

P.P.S. I still want sushi badly. http://www.foodbeast.com/2012/10/24/we-dare-you-super-size-me-sushi/

YFC

OMG OMG OMG We originally wanted children cancer foundation as our VOW. But we called and found out that they weren't accepting any more groups. So we started calling other organizations and FOUND RAINBOW CLUB. YAY!!! We chionged wait correction Ji Won chionged the WHOLE PROPOSAL in a few hours and WE JUST SENT IT IN. I AM ONE HAPPY PERSON TODAY. <3 I love her so much 

TGI Friday!!!

Today was awesome ***! IT WAS FREAKING NICE. I saw this woman struggling with a strollee up the stairs at MRT so I offered to help her. :):) She was smiling so widely and thanking me. I was late for school and missed my usual bus. So I took a cab but halfway through I saw 132 and I was like "OMG THE BUS!"  The uncle offered to drop me off at the bus stop in front so I could continue taking the bus instead of the cab and even discounted $0.35 for me! I was so grateful. Then at school my hand got really bad. Like I couldn't even write during lessons. Went down to home econs rooms me and they gave me a huge plastic bag of ice. <3 Everyone was worried about me. They kept asking if I was fine and my deskies offered to help me write everything. Then after school went to KFC with Ji won. ^_^ this is the best yet. SO FUNNN. We were just going crazy talking Abt random stuff. But I realized I told her things that I was 1) too embarrassed to tell others or 2) issues that I wasn't ready to share with anyone yet. I still miss him. I remember how we used to watch movies together like everyday and I miss him so much. I promised that I would be there but I couldn't be there. And now I don't have the chance to ever be there. This is something I have never told anyone about. And yet I told her. I felt this huge rock being removed from my heart. I was surprised at myself... I had a great time with her. Realized it was 2:25 and Chinese start in 5 mins. We literally ran all the way to bus stop took a flying bus and ran all the way to class. Then Chinese lesson was so funny. And kind of slack. But super fun. Cause I kept joking around. :p Then we took selfies and sang all the way to the bus stop and at the bus stop. Haha.  I love Ji Won because I am truly myself when i am around her. She's the only person that knows almost everything about me. She knows stuff that even platoon mates don't. <3 She's just so comfortable to be with. But I feel bad because I am the one who tell her my problems all the time. And disturbs her. But she has never complained to me. I know that she trusts me the way I trust her though. I just feel that she feels the same way about me. <3 I am so grateful I have her. 

W & R

I have a wish. To Bring w and r out together. I want to do crazy things with them. Laught crazily and just go around doing nothing. I want to make them laugh. Laugh till they run out of breath. 

It's like they are idols and I am their fan. Every fan knows that though idols appear on tv smiling and fooling around we all know that they actually have it tough. They are mentally and physically tired. Then you get tired. Tired of watching from the sidelines. Maybe I read too much into things but there's a tint of sadness in their every smile. A tint of pain when they laugh. It's almost unbearable to watch. To be honest I want to get closer to both of them. Both in a platonic way. I just want to help them and go through what they are going through together. Sometimes I have all the confidence in the world and want to take the first step and walk towards them 

But at times I just become a coward and think what if I am overacting what if I am disturbing them what if I am reading too much intothings 

I just don't want to see them like that. It hurts me. What more is that I read both of their blogs and I just can't. Like I feel like running to wherever they are and hugging them. Last night was horrible. Mom and dad wasn't home so that was a good thing cause I was crying. So badly. I was just crying and crying because I missed them. I wanted to talk to them. I talked to r on twitter but somehow I got the feeling that he didn't want to talk. Somehow I am having doubts. That's what distance does. Now I know why distance bgrs are hard. Because distance make you have doubts. For both r and w. I am going to continue believing in faith. No matter how hard it is. It's like I can't even talk to them so it's really hard for me when I know they are having it tough. Then I rewind all the memories and it hurt me even more. Then it all turns into doubts "what if"s. Then I hate myself for having doubts. I am supposed to believe in you and here I am having doubts. I hate myself for that. 

:>

I will keep on smiling and will continue hoping for the best. Monday I think I know what is going to happen. Owners abandon their houses. That was the closest thing i could find… :p I really don't know how my platoon is going to take it. Trust me at first it wont be easy. If it was going to happen in the first place. I hope it will make us rather than break us. But i can't talk about the hate part. That played a huge part in our A year. But C could be different. Nonetheless, I really don't know how they are going to take it. I am not sure whether this is the best of the solutions. Thinking about the company part As. If it makes them great! If it breaks them we are going to lose everything. I want a 50th anniversary for the company. I don't want it to end just yet. There's so much more we can do 

W

My english and history papers were okay okay. But philo was … Okay i am gonna get a single digit out of 30. I wonder how hers went. Hope it went fine. :/

I feel like an idiot for missing you

"I miss how we used to talk every minute of everyday and how i was able to tell you everything that was on my mind. I miss our conversations."

I really do though it wasn't every minute and it wasn't that strong yet but i miss it because i thought it was going to go strong </3 ARGH WHY DOES A FEW MONTHS FEEL LIKE A FEW YEARS??

But but rainbow sushi doesn't give you food poisoning. It looks really really nice! Good idea maybe we should make it ourselves :p I am assuming we are blogger friends now?

"Sometimes it's not about missing someone. It's about wondering whether they are missing you"

Eh...

Eh… the posts have different timings than when i post them. Like the post about rainbow sushi rolls is today but it's stated as ytd… weird… ANYWAYS ALL THE BEST FOR TAs AND HOPE I CAN PASS PHILO AND DO WELL FOR HISTORY

RAINBOW SUSHI ROLLS

http://www.tablespoon.com/recipes/rainbow-sushi-rolls/691179f7-c58a-4b82-9b38-403367565f87

OMGOMGOMG CAN WE PLEASE STUDY DATE WITH THIS??? It's too cute to be eaten though <3 OKAY I AM FINALLY GOING MAD. THAT'S IT I HATE SCIENTIFIC REVOLUTION. COME COME LET'S MEET SOON ~

Sush Date

Ahahaha a weird name i came up with for sushi + study date :):):) Hehe looking forward to it. Nice to meet you ~ ( can i pretend to not know you because if given the chance, i would like to meet you again as another person in another context then maybe just maybe we will be right for each other <3 )

I hope I am going down the correct path

I used to believe in eternity. I used to believe that we will forever talk on the phone for 4 hours straight at a time, that we will talk to each other till 3am 4am in the morning, that we will forever see each other everyday and laugh at little things and that we will always be together forever. But i don't have the confidence anymore. Like after next year, sure we will still be in the same school but different CCAs different classes different everything.

 There was once i voiced it out. Out loud. I have always been this crazy optimistic figure among my friends. Always saying things like "we will be together all the time. we will be life long friends." Then one day I blurted out about how we will one day, soon, go our own ways and that startled them. I saw the look they gave. Like "are you srs? why you of everyone else is saying this?" Then i shut up. And since then I have been thinking, "Have i been this crazy optimistic person because i feel obliged to or because that's who i truly am." There was a point when i wanted to stop caring. About everything. And i felt good. So i thought "Okay so I have been lying to myself all this time. I am just this crazy optimistic person cause i feel obliged to." But then after talking a few ppl and shutting myself off from everything, i realized that that was not what i wanted. I was happy for a while to not care but actually deep down i was hurting. It hurt me to see myself not caring when i was supposed to. Even if people were to say that i was caring too much. I was happy because my mind was not occupied with million of thoughts like it used to. I was happy i was taking a break. Yup that's what i needed. A rest.

In the process of being the happy crazy optimistic and mother hen of the pack, i have put myself down too much. I have neglected myself too much. So from now on I am going to pamper and praise myself when needed to. I am proud to be myself. and this is all thanks to a certain someone, x. I miss her too freaking much. :') It's okay tho we will definitely have a study date with sushi soon ~

I miss you and i miss your smile. But i know this goodbye is just a prelude to another hello.

P.S. 3 posts in a day is truly amazing :p and I FINISHED HISTORY SO PROUD OF MYSELF.
plus my hand is really in bad condition heh :p

1st April

Hahahha I got freaked out for a while cause was told my spec assessment shifted to next Thursday instead of June and i was "adjfkajfdkl;fjas". I was really really freaked out. I am already dying here memorizing history and THEN WHAT MY SPEC IS NEXT WEEK?? OH NO TELL ME U R LYING. I didn't even suspect april fools cause NCOs + serious long message but HELL WHY I WAS SO SUPER NOT OBSERVANT. I swear i almost cried. Platoon mate Y was like "guys can we not do ORA? The time spent on it could be spent on this.." and i almost cried. AND HAD TO HOLD BACK SWEARING AND RANTING AND YEAH. BUTBUTBUT when they said it was aprils fools I just DIED + replied "happy april fools sec 4s! but wasn't exactly funny though :(" hahaha Hope it doesn't come across as rude or anything because the last time i said something absolutely normal someone thought i was being disrespectful. :/ I really didn't get how that was disrespectful tho but yeah senior-junior bound to have some kind of friction. Heh. It's okay. Still glad that specs IS AS NORMAL ON MY BDAY. AHAHHAHA. Either that or i will be climbing a mountain on my bday <3 both of which i don't mind. I NEED TO GET HISTORY NOTES INTO MY HEAD VIA OSMOSIS OR DIFFUSION WHICHEVER ONE WORKS LOL.