I like HQ

Yup. I am pretty sure that's not a normal thing. People will probably call me xiao XDXD I just like it. It's peaceful when no one's there. It's nice and quiet… When it's bustling, it's a wonderful place as well <3

Anyways, today started pretty bad because the first thing i got back in the morning was my chem sup paper and guess who failed badly? ME. Guess who left 7 marks worth of questions? ME. Okay. I am pretty upset and all but after today, i also wanna put in more effort and do a decent job for chem EYA. At least a pass okay… I am kind of frustrated because i am not making any improvements. I have been sitting down and doing i don't know how many assessment books and this is the result?? Haizzz Just gotta try harder i guess…

Things got lighter and better throughout the day until EL. I was excited because i have never been in any debates before. Honestly, the nearest i got to one was being the "MC", you know the timekeeper and the one that runs the debate. Yup never participated in a debate before. :( I wanted to be consultant at first because i was kind of scared about trying it. Then I was like "YEAH I CAN DO THIS MAN" because it wasn't in front of the entire class but in groups. ONLY TO REALIZE that i will be doing it in front of the class because fourth speaker -.- Trust me, no one understood what i was trying to say. That was how fail i was. I was supposed to summarize my group's points and yet i struggled. Now we know who not to choose for interclass debates, people. (cough ME cough) I felt so fail because i couldn't remember my points and my words were all jumbled up. That was the longest one minute of my life. (Okay maybe not. The longest would be when I am trying to do planks.) 

I didn't go down for recess because i didn't feel like eating. I regretted immediately after the bell rang because by then i was super hungry. :( I was planning to grab some food quickly before going down for CCA and then S asked if i was okay with going to HQ and missing part of training. I didn't say no because after all it's my issue. As in I am supposed to hand in forms for NAT camp and it's mine after all so i agreed and then she told me that Mr Ng wanted to meet me in 10 mins. WHAT THE FLOWER Okay anyways rushed down and collected the forms from him. Then he told me to collect a pair of boots from NCC room to exchange in HQ. At first i thought, it belonged to K since she needed to change then i realized it was his. -.- Haizz liddat lah. Okay lah i guess cause on the way anyways. Not like he is asking me to run errands right? Haha

HQ is always weird when you go alone. It's either the guard house will make your life difficult or the people inside will do the job. Last time, they refused to open the door until me and Yj agreed to say the "password". How lame is that??? AHAHAAH I remember laughing so hard that time XDXD This time round, the people inside did the job. They made fun of me .-. I kena bullied all the time sia </3 But heard a really funny story of sir and it was the funniest thing MADE MY DAY MAN :p Oh yeah and met cedar ppl hee :D:D and of course bought my beloved water conservation badge which someone owes me ahem ahem >(

Came back to RGS after that and talked about the different roles we have to carry out next year and then home sweet home! ^^ Have a great day whoever you are (if there are readers at all)! 

Bossy

So yesterday was... weird. I was quite hyped up you know "yay! Training." And then it just ended on a really weird note... I am still not quite sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that I followed them to "crap talk" after rehearsal. I knew because I went. I wouldn't have known if I didn't go. I would still have to know it sooner or later anyways but somehow after knowing I wish I knew later. Just like the SSC story. I told them I was fine because what else do you want me to tell you??? Oh I am not fine. I am dying inside. I need to cry. 
I don't trust you enough to show you that side of me again. 
Anyways I am still in a dazed mood because it happened so quickly. I should have known. 

It's funny though the people I thought of at that moment 

The people I wanted to run to 

The people I wanted to talk to 

The people I wanted to cry on 

It's exactly two people. 

"I know it's your personality. You are DOMINEERING but I understand."
assert one's will over another in an arrogant way.
You don't because firstly I am not domineering. 

"I hope you know who's in-charge. She's the one in-charge after all."

You said you won't play ranks. 

"You didn't give her ANY opportunity to talk."

So you want me to wait for her to finally muster up the courage to be able to start commanding while poor part X has to stand in sedia?

FYI, she didn't talk much even when I completely stopped and she was forced to. 

"If you're willing to change it, there would be no more problems."

Who are you to tell me to change?

"Person A and B has problems working with each other because person A is bossy."

All I want to say to you is, "Hi, I am uh... still in the room and my perfectly working ears can hear everything you are saying?"

"Don't be hurt okay?"

Easy for you to say, you aren't in my situation. 

"Are you okay?"

When I answered "uh...yeah", you said "fine if you are gonna answer it like that." Do you expect me to start ranting  and crying when I don't trust you anymore...?

To B, this is what I wanna say to you :

Hi. It might have hurt lesser if you had told me in my face first. It was painful finding it out from others about me. Yes, it's about me. I don't see any reasons why you need to tell others about me. Rmbr when I said to just voice out any opinions you were so quiet. You were someone that still earned basic respect from me because I thought you were better than others but not anymore. Like someone said I hope you know that what you did was a cowardly act. 

It's weird how I remember every single sentence, word to word, though I was on the verge of breaking down. I remember that when I first heard it my mind went blank. It was shut down. Everything only came when I was on the bus. It was too late to break down by then.  

"Friends are number one on the list of 'things you think are a must have in life but are actually dragging you down'."

I miss you

My Sunday afternoon was well spent I guess … Not so sure because I expected a lot more though… Something seemed to be lacking in them but nonetheless I did learnt a lot more about PWID. I am really happy that i chose this because yay it turned out to be a really fun place and the group of ppl there are <3ly. By people, I am talking about RGS ppl haha. I haven't got to know any other volunteers better :( I don't like that J person though :/ He seemed "wow He's nice" at first then found out he's kind of a douchebag … It was surprising to know that he would rather spend his book-out weekend here rather than elsewhere (like most people) but it was annoying how he kept making fun of what i say and asking ridiculous questions -.- Okay lah apart from him, everyone else was either extremely friendly or extremely dao haha no in between man. It was kind of awkward I must admit.

I spent sunday night gobbling away so much food only to realize the next day that i was allergic to crabs and had swollen lips and hands :(:( Haizzz I didn't want to go at first but I am glad i went because it was fun and OMG CRABS PRAWNS SEAFOOD <345 Hahahha

I kind of miss talking to some people and by that i mean really few people. I guess it's because I showed them who i really am and they were the only ones who knew most … I have become so distant from them and to be honest, I am still trying to get used to it. Get used to them not being there anymore. Haizzz So tired out by all these seriously…

Anyways not looking forward to NDC because 2 stupid speeches :( I just hope that the GOH will be an understanding and empathetic person who won't drag on his/her speech… Looking forward to rehearsal though! :pp  

Maybe

I am quite happy that i finally made up with O today. I am glad she finally took the first step because i sure wasn't going to. I guess it was partly my fault after all because well i shouldn't have stayed near her at that time. It was a time where i should have either isolated myself or surround myself with people who knows me. Then again, having to go to school everyday doesn't help much, does it? Anyways, that's all in the past and i can only try to not lose control of myself so easily next time.

It was hilarious when Mrs H caught L standing in front of me AHAHAHAH She was so pissed off and amused at the same time :pp L got totally mind blown by my great awesome fantastic amazing plan. Hah. I had it since like the start of july but tbh i just wanted to be the audience and watch you guys run the show for a while :p I know i sound mean and damn bitch, but i was really curious about how things will turn out. Truth to be told, i wanted to watch longer but what J said made me think. "They are humans too you know… they make mistakes…" That pushed me to just stop being a bitch and to start running the show haha. I pretty much enjoyed the show i guess, partly because it was all so predictable and yet i was amused at how it all turned out. I am glad J said that to me because well at least i stepped in before it's too late, you know not when there's too much friction. Sometimes i feel like i have better things to do and that most of the time my work goes unappreciated but i feel the need to at times as well. (or at least when J scolds me)

I seem to have grown apart from certain ppl a lot lost some people. I guess i saw that coming and it was bound to happen and all but it still hurts. It hurts every time i hear their names because i just want to drop everything i am doing and run to wherever they are. Only i know i can't. No fights. No conflicts. No nothing. Just slowly disappearing. You know like how when you used to text every single day and then it all slowly decreases till one day you just stop talking altogether without any reasons. I don't know whether they feel the same way as me but they were and are the most important people to me because i was sincere. Whatever we were, i was serious about it. We couldn't even define what we were and yet we were the most important thing to me. It still is. I found so much similarities between us and i found comfort in talking to you and happiness when i could listen to your problems and know that you will come to me when things get tough. And now it's just all gone. Just like that… Maybe i am over thinking. Maybe i was the only one who felt that way. Maybe i am the only one who was sincere. Maybe i was the only one who was serious about us.

RHD'14

RGS did a good job by setting a day aside specifically for RHD. I mean it was pretty fun ye know walking around and seeing so many colors and different activities. My favorite part would be the demonstration by two very very very very (cannot emphasize enough) cute kids about a traditional chinese wedding. IT WAS SO CUTE THAT I WAS STANDING LIKE AN IDIOT AND SPAZZING OVER THEM THE ENTIRE FREAKING TIME GOSH. They were really really cute bowing to heaven and earth and to each other and whatnots. OMG CAN YOU NOT. I guess what Mrs H said made a huge impact on me… "Maybe we are over thinking this idea of falling in love and taking marriage too seriously." I guess it's true for some people… You know when you over think too much and hurt yourself greatly in the end. After all thoughts are just you pointing the sharp end of the sword into your body willingly. No one has control over another's thoughts neither can anyone stop another's thoughts. 

It was kind of nice to take an hours nap before CCA. Kind of cleared up my mind and my mood changed. Training was extremely fun for the first part because it's something very new and yet not very daunting. Okay maybe it might become daunting once we start doing it in front of the 1800+ RG population but for today we were just commanding the cars :pp Shadowing was painful. I kind of felt bad for scolding them :( But yay! They waved at me later at the bus stop! ^^ Heh 

Today was generally slack except for the hour long bio remedial which was actually kind of productive heh Mrs H rocks! Good luck for TAs everyone!! ^^

A really busy week

Haha the title says it all. This week has been so hectic but really enjoyed it as well hahas. Started off with first temp NCOing on Monday hehe it was really really fun and learnt quite a lot of things about both myself and part Bs… I spent one and a half hour on Tuesday roaming around Orchard trying to buy earplugs for platoon for live range hahas. It was fun walking around Orchard ye know. I have always liked seeing crowds bustling and all but not like I interact with people but more like just seeing them and feeling happy. Sometimes I like to be around nature (like botanic gardens), you know just me and my thoughts but at times i like to take a stroll down the busy lanes filled with people bustling with life. That's just me. Okay back to Tuesday, so live range was really fun and exciting but i was hyperventilating and was so scared that my hands were shaking super badly. Of course i managed to pass but performed super poorly :( but the experience was worth it! It kind of sucked to be the last detail cause we had to clean up the entire place from picking up the cartridges (is this even correct spelling? lol) to packing up all the helmets and whatnots. Haizz was pretty tired out that day… I didn't even eat lunch so yeah… Wednesday was really really just me chionging my SS PT throughout the day. Didn't pay attention in every single class (mainly cause they were all humanities and was super boring). Realised my RS tchr didn't come and I jumped up and down in joy till i realized i still haven't finish my PT which was due in one and a half hour time. Handed up the PT at 2:29 pm which was due at 2:30 Damn boss i know XD I was lectured by so many people that day for not doing my work on time ahha but somehow i just love last minute work (esp SS) (last min chionging FTW). Thursday. Went for RHD briefing in the morning and it was so cozy because it was raining so heavily and the air conditioning was so strong <345 ^^ I really really love that kind of atmosphere heh. Had first NDP rehearsal and i must say GOH is the best. GOH FTW!!!! Our motto goes like this "Last in, First out!" Woo! But ah… our drills need to be really really synchro since guides are much slower and we need a proper permanent timer heh. Mr Faizal was damn joker man. I miss his history lessons :'( Omg and i left my wallet in library after school cause i went to print LEAP cert and luckily a former class mate found it oh gosh if not i am pretty sure it would have been stolen :( thanks ah J! Friday. Went to school early to hand in national camp forms (woo i got in!!) and to send part As off to camp forge (i miss being part A </3) I used to dread chem first block but now i must say that's something i will always look forward to!!!!! MR LEE IS DA BEST LAH AHAH. Rushed chem assignment and mugged math last minute heh. Went for math test after school then rushed off to CSP. AHAHAH OMG I FAIL LAH. LC was really easy but oral was so hard. I could only recognize like two - three characters in every sentence and the conversation was even more fail. Hahaha considering that i haven't opened up chinese textbook in two months, i guess i deserve it. Crossing my fingers that i will pass.


Saturday was awesome mainly because of piano. Not so much of swimming because it was physically draining and i still can't move forward (yeah i am like this float that can only float on water and relies on the wind to propel me forward). Learnt G and D major and struggled with the latter because i suck at coordination (esp when i played with both hands now i know what yj meant) Anyways had a really nice chat with my piano teacher after lesson and i must say that what she said was really really simple and yet very true. "It's okay to be single and be lonely for a long long time and to wait for the right person to come along because I rather wait for a long long time than to rush into a relationship!" - Ms Zuo Haha she was so cute talking about how she can't stand men nowadays because they are not the old fashioned type blah blah blah. Heh glad that i got to know her better!


To the anon that said " You really are bitter about it, aren't you. I would say let it go, but sometimes it just sticks to you. " I guess i have gotten over it this week. Esp after things happened. So yeah don't worry I am not longer bitter nor do i even care anymore hehe! ^^ But uh… you know why I like watching dramas? I like watching them because in the usual typical family dramas, you see that the weaker ones with no power gets trampled upon and are considered as trash but at the end they rise to the top because they use purely their own strengths and work their butts off to reach to the top. Even if it means that they are fighting with their bare fists against opponents who have small hidden stones in their fists. They motivate me you see. I dare say I always give my best so i guess it's only right that i was bitter and disappointed and angry even though i am pretty sure i sound like a sore loser but whatever. The past is now in the past. I only look forward to the future now. :) I really want to know who you are though… Too many unknown identities on my ask fm AHAAHAH

Nice huh?

I have a chem test tmr ahha and i am so screwed up haizzz

Somehow I have been thinking through this weekend about who I really want to be. What happened during class meeting last Friday really shook me up. I swear i almost cried and ran out but kind of managed to hold in my emotions. At least the darker ones cause i did end up sulking. The situation was exactly a remake of what happened and it just hit me so hard. It made me question why the hell am i letting people do this to me again and why the hell am i playing the bad guy again. I kept telling myself to calm down but i just couldn't … I was really really riled up hard by my emotions because it was so pressurizing. It was pressurizing to stand up in front the entire class and to manage them and handle all the complaints and the frequent whispers or rather critics of my decisions and it just reminded me of what has been happening to me since part A. The middle guy. The bad guy. And yet all i am is a puppet. Everyone tugging at my strings instructing me to go wherever they wish. That is my true honest blunt feeling. The one that tries to keep things together but only to be left out at the end. Only to have everyone walk away in the end. "Being overly nice to people is not because you are "nice". You just want others' acknowledgment and love." Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with trying my butts off to make someone smile when they just had a bad day? Is there anything wrong with wanting someone by my side? To want someone who will be there for me just like I will be there for the many of you? Well tbh i am also pretty much done with being the "nice guy". I try so freaking hard to please everyone and then in the end you just criticize everything i do and walk away. I try so freaking hard to maintain the relationship only to realize you never even considered me as a person. "Just because i am nice doesn't mean i am a pushover." ~unknown Just because I don't fight with you for things doesn't mean i don't want it as badly as you. Just because i don't scold you doesn't mean you can keep repeating your mistakes. I am not asking much of you. Just the basics. Just do the least you can and i will do the rest. But you cant even be responsible for yourself. See what you have done? You made everyone suffer. And just a while ago you were saying how you will start being more responsible and how you will work harder. I don't mind not wearing badges because badges don't define me. Rank doesn't define my leadership abilities. But these are also the very basics of one's image. Not having any badges to wear doesn't matter. But the fact that you remember to bring the badges and proudly puts it on shows that you are someone who takes pride in her work and that is a good thing to show people that you are very much confident of your abilities. If you can't even remember to bring it, it simply implies that you don't even bother to pin it on. Then what's the point of earning the badge? Remember that behind every badge, theres a story. A story on how you managed to attain it and it usually involves handwork. So credit yourself when due.

Homecoming III eh..? Sounds exciting and yet daunting. OMG also seems like i will be pretty busy huh so many jobs haha. How will seniors react to the now RGSNCC? I wonder if their thoughts then and now are different. For example, the GG rules. I still find it ridiculous. Its so absurd to me, still. I mean look at other schools, they are so friendly and close with each other and yet they still maintain the discipline and respect towards each other. Why can't we do the same? "I guess its traditions and its only right to pass it down." NO. Have you ever thought that perhaps sometimes traditions are meant to be broken and new methods are to be explored? And that if you ever try it, there's a higher gaining rate than losing. I feel like such a rebel.

It really drains up my energy to be with someone. I feel really useless because all i can do is just sit down and watch. And as your friend, i am not supposed to do that. Maybe you think i am like a loser whining about not getting to go for the course but trust me there were a thousand other reasons why i needed to go apart from the rooftops. == Haizzzz I am just so tired...