One of those idontactuallyknowwhatiamfeelinganymore mood

Today was a very unusual day. Mainly what happened during Chinese, I guess. I literally LIKE LITERALLY had 5 teachers who legit praised me for my chinese speaking skills and like it really boosted my morale and made me want to start working hard for O levels!! I guess I really should start putting in the effort eh... I was actually legit happy for the entire day (morning classes) cause I finished all my homework and Physics was really really fun. We had a lot of fun playing around with the circuits and conducting a "funeral" for our dead battery XD What made me sad was after school. I knew yj wanted to talk to me a few days back and I kind of knew what it would be about but really hearing it from her mouth makes it harder to hear. I can't bear to hear her or san get even a tiny little scratch, and to know that they are struggling or stressed or anything, makes me feel really sad and helpless and useless. I know that there's only so much I can do but really I wish and I am willing to do more. I can't bear to see them be like this... I am going to stay strong and make sure I protect them. Because they are my family.

Also, not so surprisingly, found out from yj a few days ago that my y1 and 2 class had this group to "talk" about me and another classmate whom they did not like. It's kind of expected honestly. It just hurts to confirm it. I know that those people are gone from my life and I really don't give a shit about ALL of them (except yj) because well our journey together is over and I have endured as much as I could, now it's time for me to move on. And yet it hurts. Because when she mentioned it, memories flooded back. I am just trying my best to be strong, if I want to break down, I have a million and one reasons to do so. Memories aren't something that I can just dispose of and even though I don't dwell on my past and try to be strong, it doesn't mean that it's not hurting anymore. I just ignore it. I know she felt really guilty about telling me about that afterwards but really I don't see any reason for her to be. She wasn't even actively involved in it and look at us now, we have gained each other's trust and see for ourselves who we truly are. I am really glad that we are who we are now. Without you, I would not be who I am. After everything, I decided to not give myself away so much and have closed up so much that I literally have no one in my life. So I am really grateful for yj and san for being the only people who have shown me till now that true friendship does exist.

Which brings me to my next point.
Disclaimer : These are all very personal opinions of my own so if you think that you won't be able to tahan, then don't read.

I have an issue with people who very one sidedly assumes that they are my friends. Let's say we met at a CIP event and we talked and worked together during that 3 hours. At the end of the 3 hours, your status with me is just "acquaintance". Nothing more, nothing less. I have had a grand total of 63 people as my classmates in my RGS journey and there are less than 10 people that I consider to be my friend. Really, just seeing your face 5 times a week and politely laughing at your jokes and talking to you does not make you my friend. I am not saying that all my classmates have been really bad people or anything but if I can't trust you, I obviously won't consider you as my friend. You are just a classmate/acquaintance. I know some of my classmates doubt whether I hate them or not and that no matter how many times I assure them, they will still think I hate them. I DO NOT. But I don't hate you does not equate to you being my friend. People like R and CJ in y1 and 2 are the people I would consider as my friend. They are really genuine people who were very kind and sincere. In these two years would be people like Ay,A,J,Y,I,S and R because they have not been once fake with me. If you know me well (which is practically no one in my class) then you can tell whether or not I really consider you as my friend. I know that I might sound too arrogant but these are really just frank options i have and I am not gonna hide them just to appear nice in front of people.

"I may not be able to wait thirteen months for you, nor until you are twenty-five, but I can wait for you a lifetime." "Jingqiu, there is such a thing as an eternal love. You must believe in it."

I am crying rivers now. It's really sad that I have come to the end of the book and that well ... their story ended and I just feel so ... I don't know how to put it into words.

Under the Hawthorn Tree

So this is the title of the book I am currently reading ~ I haven't read such a moving book in such a long time. The closest that came to this was "Saving Zoe" which was relatively a moving book but less drama than this. Basically "under the hawthorn tree" is set in the period of cultural revolution in China which took place around 1966 to 1976 and it's about this girl,Jingqiu, with a bad class background who fell in love with a boy,Jianxin, with a high class background and didadida you know the same heartbreaking love story.

 I am only at chapter 25 at where they have finally sorted their misunderstandings out. For example, Jianxin actually used to (highlights USED TO) have a fiancee and that he was actually up for a grab now cause he got dumped by the fiancee and that he didn't cheat on Jingqiu and Jingqiu finally learning to accept the fact that sometimes love comes in to your life unexpectedly and once sucked in, you will never find your way out. That you gotta learn to live life cause YOLO. One of the coolest quotes i have found so far goes " I can wait. As long as you want me to wait, as long as it doesn't make you unhappy, I can wait a lifetime. Jingqiu I can't be the first person to have fallen in love with you and I won't be the last. But I do believe I will love you the most." -sotheguysaystothegirl It's one of those undying, passionate love like romeo and juliet except the couple doesn't decide to die together but fights hard to be able to live together.

I really find this book very captivating like the emotions are very raw and there are certain parts where it might not make a lot of sense to a non-chinese speaking person because there are certain things that you can only understand if you know the chinese culture and if you can speak the language, i feel? It's like when you watch korean dramas, sometimes the subtitles can't exactly bring out the best in the meaning because what the characters are saying would only completely make sense to you when you actually have a vast knowledge of the culture and the language?? And I feel really proud of being able to understand those moments because I am relatively well versed in these cultures and languages to be able to completely appreciate them. #perksoflivinginamulticulturalcountry and #perksofwatchingkdramassince7

If you haven't read the book yet, I strongly recommend you to read it FIRST before watching the movie version because I tried watching the movie yesterday and really I just stopped after like the first ten minutes because there is no essence. It's super different from the book like how craze potter fans would say that the book series is far more amazing than the movie series. EXACT SAME FEELINGS.

I am just gonna briefly talk about today's training. Basically I felt extremely proud at 2:45 because they weren't late and came to training with a relatively decent and presentable uniform under the category of Part As' first attempt at this. {we were late for one freaking hour when we were part As and it was our first uniform training cause we just stood in 101 and just stared at our incomplete uniforms (no name and school tags) thinking about whether to pon as a platoon or call NCOs over and get killed. [we chose the latter and got killed] [disclaimer : we are still well and alive] But then I became super disappointed at like 5pm because their drills were very sloppy. Some of them didn't even put in the effort to keep up the basic fundamentals like COME ON YOU CAN DO BETTER MAN. Really the point behind all this is not just to prepare for ATC but really to teach them that in life you really must strive to be at your best at all times no matter how tired you are and results will only be achievable if you actually put in the efforts. I got even more irritated at the NS guys who started doing drills obviously mocking at us. I know it's not necessarily mocking at us, like because they could see Part A's drills, they were discussing about how the drills are supposed to be executed and maybe even dissing part As' standard but nonetheless, I found it extremely rude that they were doing it so openly like what the heck. Where are your manners, gentlemen? -.- srsly I have this hatred towards NS/NSF cause of ppl like them. Haiz the people you see in NCC are so diverse. AND OMG STOP FREAKING DRAGGING YOUR BOOTS. LIKE. STOP. DRAGGING. YOUR. FREAKING. SOLES. I literally shouted this at max volume every second towards the end of training cause the screeching noise it made annoyed me and ma'am L shouting at As made me more annoyed. UGH FXK IT MAN. I know you are a ma'am and all but it doesn't give you any rights to freaking shout at my part BECAUSE THEY ARE MY PART. If anyone has a right to scold them, its NCOs. Not even USM/AUSM. Of course, you can with NCOs (our) permission so don't freaking cross the line baka. I really hope that Part As will do a really great job at ATC and that every training would be something fulfilling for both, them and for us, NCOs. I really hope that their platoon will be one of those closely knit platoon with really high standards. Right now I don't see any signs of that yet and really I am starting to see conflicts already... I don't know why I am so good at identifying problems haizz

I just wish that they trust us and would come to us for help if they ever need it. Nevertheless, I am still immensely proud of the fact that they have the potential and that I have seen it at times. I am just proud of the fact that they still try their best at most of the times and that they have taken the trainings well up till now. That none of them have yet to quit. That none of them have completed given up. That every one of them are trying very hard.

Deskies

First off, formally introducing my dear deskies : Iylia and Priya <3 Sorry for only introducing after two weeks but hehe it has been a fun time sitting together with them <3 If I were to rank my seating partners so far, this pair is second to Syaf and M would be third because they really make me feel comfortable. Thank god for all these wonderful seating buddies. :)