Sept Hols~~

Hello!! ^~^ Hehe I am feeling quite good (?) XDXD Update on my hols so far :D Hmm… Let's see
Teachers Day Celebrations was kind of okayish only… The performances were great but then afterwards was not very i-dont-know-how-to-say-it-but-it-was-just-so-so :( (No offense to ppl who had a lot of fun. Lunch afterwards was awesome! I ate with my mum at JP :D And then Friday night was the "magical" night. <3 Saturday was swimming lessons and I finally finally can SWIM (legit swim from point A to B and not the usual my-arms-and-legs-are-moving-but-why-is-my-body-stationary???) My coach finally got fed up with me and made me stay back after lessons to coach me 1:1 Was really really really thankful for that cause yeah it sucked but i can finally swim!!! HUE HUE The rest of the holidays was just spent dreadfully studying for EYAs except 1 star kayaking!!! OMGOMGOMG LET ME JUST SPAZZ OKAY. It was awesome *_* The first day wasn't that much of fun except getting lost on the way. Yes it was really fun getting lost on the way cause i had this really really longggggggg and calming walk along this canal in this forest area. Walking by yourself with music plugged in at 7 am in the morning is actually a stress relieving therapy. Trust me on this ;)I think i walked like 5 bus stops (mind you the bus stops were    f    a    r    apartD:) Add in about 3 km from the start of the golf course till the reservoir as well … Yup a good exercise. It was nice and calm at the park but the rest of the journey was just me walking and walking and walking with sweat dripping from my forehead to my toes. It was really hot. The first part of the lesson was dry (dry = boring and dry = no water geddit:PPP). Then it got more fun and wetter ;) Second day was way more fun than the first because the entire day was spent with san and yj together unlike the first day when we were all paddling away in different directions XD We did the T-rescue drill together and failed badly. No matter it was still fun as heck cause what better way is there to spend a day in kayaking with your friends, right? Who am i kidding, there's a million and one way better than that :( I really really really want to travel around with yj and s. It would be so freaking coollll  and that was how my sept hols went. :) Hope yours was great and awesome too! 

Relapse

Lately if I were to confess, I have been confused. I can't remember where I put my stuff. I get confused by time so much that I can barely recall what happened yesterday. I don't really feel that energetic. This only means one thing. A relapse of what happened in March. Most people probably don't know what happened but only a few would. Those few that have become so distant from me in the past few months. I MISS THAT MAGICAL MORNING… I am really really tired right now… I remember how i was so hyped up last dec thinking about what a wonderful year would 2014 be. Sec 3, new class, new friends, new teachers, new subject combi, part C, new responsibilities, new opportunities… I was looking forward to it like crazy. That moment finally came and everything was going fine until i came back from OBS. When i came back from OBS, everything changed. It just did. Without any reasons. Maybe I am overreacting but trust me when i say that the last eight months have been crazy. It really has been. I have changed so much and seen so many changes. It's all so sudden and new. I felt like collapsing at one moment. When the weight of everything crashed on me. A few helped me made it through. I though i was going to die. Later on, now, I realized that the same few were the ones who is making me collapse again. I found myself in that period of hell but i lost everything else. I lost my closest ties. People. Perhaps it's because i have changed too much and too sudden. Perhaps it's because we weren't actually that close anyways. You see, i tend to rush into relationships. Maybe i was the only one who was interested in us. "Us" is no longer important to you nor me now and somehow i still keep the memories deep inside somewhere and i take them out on rainy days or those i-am-mentally-and-physically-tired-and-i-only-want-to-see-you-again days. I take them out and i just replay them and i laugh at all the good times that we spent and spend the rest of the night crying because i know that i can never get it back or even the chance to create any memories with you. because it is now "you" and "I" and not "us". 

Healing

I like the concept of "healing". You know those little trips you take once in a while to heal your emotional scars or simply just to recharge. Last night was amazing. We went to visit our grandmother and left their house at midnight. On our way back, we saw a lot of bikers who were traveling in one big group. Curious, we followed them behind slowly. At first, we were afraid that we might run out of diesel oil. At another point, we were afraid that the bikers might become suspicious of us since we were the only car that was following a whole group of bikers. As we kept going, we came to an end of the road. By that time, the bikers were all gathered under a shelter. What we saw next was unbelievable. It was 1 am at night so it was quite dark. It wasn't exceptionally breathtaking. Nor was it really that picturesque. But still it was something. I am glad we went because it somehow got me to start thinking through all the things that have been stuck at the back of my mind for quite sometime. In fact, for a few months now. I wished we stayed until morning to watch the sunrise <3 It would have been an amazing night and morning then but sadly we had to leave. Anyhow, it was somehow a magical night … Technically it is was a magical morning just now… <3

What has happened so far

So Monday was PDS selection test and was pleasantly surprised at some part Bs whom i never imagined would be that good… mainly because i mostly paid attention to the weaker ones and therefore didn't really see everyone. I would say that some shocked me in a good way and some in a bad way. I think i unconsciously categorized them into three categories. The ones that were better than usual (unexpected much), the ones that performed as the same standard as usual and weren't exceptionally good and lastly the ones who performed poorer than usual (very very very rare). 

I realized that it was a black and white situation meaning that those who were considered good (it was like only one?) were really good and those who were considered "okay" (quite a few) were just so-so (considering they went to BI already we expected a bit more from them) and those who were considered as "cmi" were really cmi. Of course, it is all just a  result of willingness and training. This was somewhat unfair in my opinion ( I REPEAT IN MY OPINION, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S ) I feel that it was unfair because some are BIs and some are not. Of course, we expected more from BIs and of course no one (except one) met our expectations but nonetheless they had prior experience. I guess it can't be helped due to time constraints. I just really hope that when we do release the results, things wont really become very very chaotic. From the list that i currently have, confirm will have chaotic things. I am worried. In fact, i considered quitting PDS because of that. I don't wanna be sucked into problems again. I already foresee things. Not good. Not good. I am getting too friendly with Bs. Not that i don't want to. But it's like I am getting too attached to them. It doesn't help much when i know like so many of their platoon problems. I really feel burdened. But then again, I am not their NCO so none of my business~~ If (ONLY IF) they do come to me, i won't push them away :) 

Next would be me getting into COC. It wasn't really because of my skills but rather "connections". Also i am not even in the team. Just a reserve. Nonetheless, really really glad that i am given this chance because now i can learn from everyone else. #veteranprecisiondrillers #excitedmuch I think you can see that my tone is slowly shifting to one of annoyed and angered. Yes currently i am angry and annoyed.

PDS

So you can probably tell that I am going to talk about PDS, right? (Unless you score an all time zero for comprehension)

Anyways firstly, mini league was horrible. It was such a disappointment due to many many reasons. Good job to Part Bs tho~~ they did really well! ^^

PDS is starting to be annoying now. Mostly because of myself. I am deproving and my drills are like shit. I am considering if I should quit the team or not. If I do, I should probably let my batch mates know soon... I am really torn and am dead serious about this. It's not one of those things that I just let slip out of my mouth and forget about it. I am really considering whether I should continue or not. But as usual the Peirce gang was damn comforting <3 They never fail to make me feel much better. 

I am very worried for part Bs. Some of them are doing their best but they just can't seem to be improving ??? I know it has only been two trainings so far but it's enough time to at least get VOS/DOS?? I mean in a course we only spend like 30 mins trying to teach that... And we have been spending like 2hr ++ on it?? Haizzz I am a really bad teacher. I CANT TEACH. And it doesn't help that batch mates keep pushing the weaker ones to me to teach one to one?? Like hello I am the worst instructor you can find out there and you want me to teach the weaker ones? You sure bro? 

AND THATS WHY I SAY THAT :

I wanna leave the team because my standards just can't make it. I suck, period. I am so done. I know that I will probably disappoint a ton of people by quitting but seriously I have been trying for a year now and nope no improvements. 

I need to calm down and think things through...

I can't believe that I actually talked to T today. It hasn't been long that I have decided to forget and erase him. But then again I guess it would have been rude to just ignore. It actually hurt to talk to him. It was painful. My head hurts.