Messed up internally

I am suddenly turning towards the insane side. Slowly building up pressure again. There's just too many things that are happening now that's breaking me slowly. Even at home. I just really need a break right now. It's not even a want. It's a fucking need. I feel so suffocated at times and i feel like i might just go back into a relapse if i don't do something now. Because i am more aware of myself, i keep telling myself to do something but i really am just lost. Maybe I should just run away for a day without telling anyone and sort my thoughts out. Maybe I should just sleep for two days straight and perhaps that will ease some tension in my mind. Maybe I should just open up to someone and cry and release all the things that's bottled up. If i were to be honest, there's just one thing i want to do. And it's really to let out all my feelings. There's so many things i want to say to so many people and i need to let them out but where? how? If only you were still here. I keep remembering you. It's getting annoying. I get angry at myself whenever i think about you but i do it unconsciously all the time. I don't know and maybe it's just me but I really feel like we have just stopped knowing each other and returned to being strangers even though we didn't fight or anything like that but it's more of like that silence goodbye. I just know. Why else would we be strangers now... I just feel like confronting you. You are the first person that i have so much to say to. I want to look into your eyes and say all these things that i have been wanting to say to you since long ago. Sometimes i get so angry and i just feel like really really going to you and confronting you. But i break down in tears instead and my legs would just give way. I freaking hate feeling this way and even more at the fact that i have little control over it. i have myself for being so weak when it comes to you. why you. why you out of everyone else. i though... i thought... never .. mind.. you never minded anyways...

1st Training

YAY! Technically the first training for me even though CCA started since Jan cause part As just came in ytd!!! Basically for the whole of jan, i just did log stuff and more log stuff. I was kinda happy doing it at first till i met As ytd cause i can't wait to have more trainings with them now! They are all so enthu. :D

I was quite surprised at this year number cause 12 is really a lot and i really hope that it will remain 12 until y4 or maybe even increase! Personally for me, all of them left great first impressions on me because i am somehow able to read them, i guess. It's true how they say that you will only know how it feels like to be a NCO until you get your own part and i felt it yesterday. I have high expectations for them because most of them look like they already have quite strong leadership qualities. I guess in terms of rules and manners, it will take some time for them to learn and apply even. Especially the part about this unspoken line between a senior to a junior because some of them still forget from time to time to be polite. Being polite does not mean that you have to treat your senior like you would to an adult, but more like knowing when to joke around and how much to joke around i guess.  I am sure they will learn as time goes by especially when we officially start training, they will probably learn from other senior to junior interactions :) Reading from their faces, i think they kind of got it when we told them the basic rules yesterday.  Most of them admitted that it's their first choice so i hope they won't be that sian. 

Looking forward to Thursday training with them!!  

Realist

It has already been two months into the new year and honestly i am not that stressed out yet. YET. I have been trying to sort out all the mess especially in terms of relationships i guess... It's so weird because i still remember this time exactly last year. And now that it's a year later, everything is so different despite me a year ago imagining things to be the same. Time really change people huh? Inclusive of myself. People who meant the world to me at this time last year are now people that i would never want to look in their eyes again. There's just too many changes and ironically i made them happen. Though i hate changes. I knew i had to confront my own fears because i don't want to end up exploding again like in sec 2. It was a different scenario than now and yet the aftermath was ugly. With the circumstances now, if i were to go off again, this time would surely produce very different and even worse results and no i don't want that to happen again. That's why i had to let it all out so that pressure doesn't build up in me again because the last thing i want is for 2015 to end ugly again like the past two years. No, i want to end things prettily and graduate happily. I don't regret letting it out. I don't regret it but it's still uncomfortable and somethings just keep making me feel weird inside. It's no longer that feeling of a bomb ticking away because there's no reason for me to explode so i guess that's a weight off my shoulder cause i no longer feel that monster inside of me. though i know it's still there somewhere deep inside because the truth is we all have a little monster inside of us...and mine is just scarier  

Anyways that's all about my condition now and i got back my DISC profile a few days ago. I have always believed in things like these and wow it was really accurate. I got SI which is S for steadiness and I for influential. The report said that I am a person who is scared of losing social acceptance and i will do my best to be socially accepted even if it meant going against my will. Like apparently i rather agree to an opinion whilst working with others even though my personal opinion may be different just because i am afraid that i would not be able to fit into the group and i would create an unfriendly atmosphere. It's true but there's also a limit for me. I really try my best to create a nice, friendly and harmonious atmosphere but there's just so much that i can do. In terms of NCC, i believe that i have tried for the past three years and even stretched my patience. And i am really in the process of learning to let go. Learning to accept the fact that I can only do so much and that sometimes i don't have to be afraid of being the mean one.

Just like what the instructor said, S people are scary because once you are able to attain to a certain level of relationship, they will trust you completely and be the most loyal friend you can find around. You will say that they are the most generous and kind people but they are like active volcanoes. Add a little pressure and nothing happens. Add some more and nothing happens. But if you keep adding up the pressure little by little, one day, not ever knowing when, they will just explode. Then, you see that side of them that you will never want to see again. Lose their trust and you will never gain it back. And no it isn't easy to lose their trust because they are very forgiving. Those sentences just killed me because it felt like he knew me all along and he summarized me so well and it nicely fits into the situation now.
As for D type of people, the dominant type, are the kind of people that get so obsessed with the task at hand that sometimes you forget about the people around you and tend to step on them, not literally. WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE BECAUSE SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO GOT THE D TYPE AND WELL YEAH EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IS MAINLY DUE TO THAT REASON?? of course I proved all the others wrong too and weirdly i feel really satisfied about that.

Well, now all that's left to do is to keep going and not give up because it will all be worth it in the end.