Messed up internally

I am suddenly turning towards the insane side. Slowly building up pressure again. There's just too many things that are happening now that's breaking me slowly. Even at home. I just really need a break right now. It's not even a want. It's a fucking need. I feel so suffocated at times and i feel like i might just go back into a relapse if i don't do something now. Because i am more aware of myself, i keep telling myself to do something but i really am just lost. Maybe I should just run away for a day without telling anyone and sort my thoughts out. Maybe I should just sleep for two days straight and perhaps that will ease some tension in my mind. Maybe I should just open up to someone and cry and release all the things that's bottled up. If i were to be honest, there's just one thing i want to do. And it's really to let out all my feelings. There's so many things i want to say to so many people and i need to let them out but where? how? If only you were still here. I keep remembering you. It's getting annoying. I get angry at myself whenever i think about you but i do it unconsciously all the time. I don't know and maybe it's just me but I really feel like we have just stopped knowing each other and returned to being strangers even though we didn't fight or anything like that but it's more of like that silence goodbye. I just know. Why else would we be strangers now... I just feel like confronting you. You are the first person that i have so much to say to. I want to look into your eyes and say all these things that i have been wanting to say to you since long ago. Sometimes i get so angry and i just feel like really really going to you and confronting you. But i break down in tears instead and my legs would just give way. I freaking hate feeling this way and even more at the fact that i have little control over it. i have myself for being so weak when it comes to you. why you. why you out of everyone else. i though... i thought... never .. mind.. you never minded anyways...