MORE THAN A TV STAR 

Some graduate from top universities and are busy making money
When they got acknowledged by their friends and parents
I thought to myself, what am I doing these days?

My dad told me
“You can’t do a single thing right. What are you going to do?”
My ex-girlfriend told me
“People say you’re a genius but why don’t others notice?”
I don’t know either, I don’t know what I want
Sometimes I doubt myself on what I really want
So I’ve stopped for a moment and looked back
Because I don’t know if it’s tears or sweat that’s flowing from my eyes right now

If you have a dream boy
Even if you’re lost in the darkness, I pray you’ll be a star
If you have a dream girl
Don’t let the world change who you are
You can be more than a TV star

I overcame even when no one believed in me

Everytime I look up in the sky
I see the stars and I can hear my god says
“this is who you are”
Everytime I look up at the stars
They be telling me you are perfect
Just the way you are
Baby If you looking for the stars
It’s not far away, turn off the TV and look in the mirror

FEAR

When I turned around
I saw that I came farther than I thought
I was alone and I suddenly got afraid
When I saw myself
I didn’t know I was exhausted
I was lonely and I suddenly got afraid

You’re doing a good job
When I get confused, I tell myself that and just go
Be yourself, know yourself
I practiced about several thousand times
Being in despair once or twice is child’s play now
Opportunities are always ways to get up from moments of crisis, you know
Going on a trip to heaven? Hurry and pack your carrier

Don’t stop, there’s still a lot to do
Look at the photo of your parents, providing for you
You’re the mirror to your younger siblings, you’re the star of your family
Only when you cut back on your sleep, can they peacefully sleep
Hey you idiot, don’t make it obvious
Be strong, I know you’re lonely
But you need to get through it, are you crying? Be a man
Stop crying and take responsibility once more

When I didn’t wanna see anything
The reason I forced my eyes to open wide
Is because I was just scared
It’s because I was suddenly scared
When I didn’t wanna say anything

The reason I raised my voice
There is no other reason
It’s because I’m afraid, I’m afraid

I used to say this like a habit
That I always believe in myself
That I have no worthy opponent
But enemy was in my mirror
Maybe I lost my reasoning in this continued fight
I killed myself, even my mom is careful with me

Dad, if you’re looking at me, tell me the answer
I’m too young and soft to become an adult
I still don’t know how
It hurts too much to just crash into things
Now I know, it’s too late to foolishly whip
There are still too many unhealed wounds

Cr : http://ilyricsbuzz.com

Those are my two favourite songs from the show, SHOW ME THE MONEY (season 4) and out of all the songs in the past four seasons, these two have touched me the most. The first one, "MORE THAN A TV STAR" is by Innovation and Lee Hi and the second one's by Mino and Taeyang. 

Why did those two songs touch me the most? Because I can relate to them. More than other songs, these have a personal feel to it and most of the lyrics are phrased in a general manner. I have cut out parts of the lyrics where they rapped about their personal lives because it's about their struggles. But these parts that I have pasted here are more generalised and so I can better relate to them. 

The lyrics are like my raw emotions stringed into words. I am so afraid of the future. So many people would then say in response, "You are just seventeen. You still have a long way. Dont worry. Things will work out." But that's exactly what I am scared of. That long and uncertain future lying ahead of me. 

It's like you are in the middle of this dense jungle and the only sound you can hear is your heavy breathing. You don't know where you have to go, except the rule's you can't turn back. You don't know whether to turn left or right or to keep walking straight. You don't know where each twists and turns will bring you. You don't know what lies ahead of that long stretch of road you have been walking on for forever. Nonetheless, you just keep going. Aimlessly. That's what I feel like now. I have got no aims or goals or plans in life. All I am doing now is taking a gamble. I am just following this long road without knowing why. I jump over the hurdles and find my way around obstacles but out of obligations. Not out of willingness. 

I still don't have the reason why I wake up every morning. 

I am so afraid. So so afraid. 

But I am going to keep going. 

Once in a while, I might just stop walking and break down in tears because the callus on my feet are so painful. Then, I will lie down on my back and admire the stars. I will make a wish or two and I know I will be alright.

 I might become so tired out that I would need to take a rest at times. Then, I will. I will stop and take in the beatiful scenery that's too grand to be missed. I will smell whiffs of the different flowers grown all around me, swaying to the rhythm of the wind. I will close my eyes and listen to the beautiful music of the birds. 

Sometimes, I might fall over the hurdles or get blocked by obstacles but that's okay. Everytime that happens, I am going to look back and remind myself of how far I have come. How much I have tried and how strong I have been. I have been strong once, I can be stronger now. I am going to look up at the sky and shout out into the horizon that I can do it! That I can overcome any obstacles just like how I have always done. 

I know I can do this. 

This is a more deeply analysed reflection of my feelings so I hope that I won't break down even after EYAs. 

*note to self : don't care too much about what others think.*

I have been so weird nowadays, like I only remembered on the train this morning that I had not eaten since 1pm yesterday. Neither did I remember that I had only drank a small cup of water. And yesterday, all of a sudden, I started craving kpop so I listened to them all day long. So I spent a bit of time reflecting and trying to analyse as to why I am behaving like this... I think that my mind is on autopilot. Its like theres this subconsciousness that is keeping me from crashing because its EYAs period and so it has put me on autopilot to just go through the motions. Luckily, I snapped out of it after talking to yj today but for some reason, I feel like I am going to crash after EYAs. Well better than crashing now so... Gonna let myself be on autopilot till end of EYAs. I am sorry I act weird towards you lol

Reality

"Being overly nice to people is not because you are "nice". You just want others' acknowledgment and love."

I wrote about that on another post about a year ago. The reason why I am writing again about it now is to merely reflect on my change the past year. I was pretty much done with being the middle guy who was nice. After last year, I have changed so much. I have become less forgiving, less understanding and less loving. Unlike the past optimistic me who always looked on the bright sides of things and looked for the good points in people, I am now a totally changed person. I have been exposed to so many bad and dark sides of people and life that I am no longer the innocent kid. I am only just seventeen, there's so much more ahead of me, I know. I will continue to see many of both good and bad sides of things and people and those experiences will continue to shape who I am. The most important thing, I feel, in this process is for me to never forget my roots and always reflect on who I was and who I have become.

That line was from a korean drama and when I was watching it last year, it hit me pretty hard. Only because it was applicable to me then. I used to have this mindset that as long as I treat people the way I want to be treated, they will definitely return the favour. I always thought that way. That even if  a person is mean to me, she will change her mind gradually if I treat her the way I want to be treated. However, that is not true. I have learnt that. The world is not as nice. Willingly or unwillingly, I have always been in the middle of conflicts, having to entertain both parties involved. I have become so used to it that I don't even mind it anymore but just put my mind to solving the problem. I was pretty done with that role last year but I am trying to change again.

This year, I have become much better, being able to smile and laugh almost always though I have cried a lot too. I am starting to learn to change myself again because going back to that innocent and gullible and soft hearted kid is not going to help, neither continuing to be this pessimistic person gonna help.

Unlike the past me, where I believed people would be as nice to as I am to them, I now give without expecting anything AT ALL. I used to say in the past that I don't expect anything in return except their smiles and gratitude and blah blah blah but now I don't even expect anything of that sort.

Why? Because I learnt that even though you give so much to a person, there is no guaranteed that the person will do the same back for you or be appreciative of your efforts and might even be hostile towards you.

I am trying my best to get back up on my feet and being able to help others whole heartedly again. I had this period between end of last year and the start of this year whereby I was very ignorant of my surroundings. I was selfish. All I did was care about myself because caring about others led to me being hurt in the end though I only had good intentions.

It all changed when I saw part As. Their thirteen years old innocence has shown me once again about how I have forgotten to look at the rainbows and unicorns and was only concerned and hurt by the dark and deep forests. I have learnt so much from them the past seven months.

I have started to change myself gradually by taking out the positive traits of me from my old self like not hesitating to help others but now I know that I should never do it at the expense of putting myself at risk. I have also learnt to not be hurt if my care and concern is not returned because I cannot expect everyone to be appreciative. Just do my job to my best and help that person. If he or she wants to leave, smile and wave goodbye. Keep the good memories in my heart and look back at them once in a  while and remind myself of how I should make a difference in this world even if its just one person.

You see, all these hurt and sad people somehow always find their way to me and find it in me to fix them. So I do. Just like last time. The only difference is that now I try my best not to get broken in the process of fixing someone else and to not be selfish as to expect the person to stay afterwards. I have learnt to be so much more flexible and understanding and not clingy. I am used to broken souls finding me to fix them and then leaving once they are healed. I now just have to learn to take it in a positive light. To not be so obsessive because my job is to fix them. Not make them stay with me. I am my one and only trustworthy companion in life. I won't ever force anyone else to stay in my life for the sake of my happiness.

Most important takeaway is that I am happy with myself and happiness comes from within me which in turn allows me to spread it to others around me. Learn to love myself first before trying to teach others how to love themselves and not be thirsty for other's love and attention.

SAVE MYANMAR

 Only the top part of the sign could be seen...

Translation : All the earnings I make today will be donated to the victims of flood.

Land of Gold, Myanmar. This beautiful country is now faced with the worst flood  that has happened in decades. I plead all of you on Tumblr to please bring awareness to this issue and spread around on the internet. Do search up on “myanmar flood” and you will see many many articles in different languages and even instructions on how you can donate if you wish to do so. Please help us out in every little way that you can, we really really appreciate it. It can be as simple as keeping us in your prayers every night or spreading awareness of this issue or donating small or big amounts of money or donating life vests, etc. 

I would like to appeal to everyone on behalf of my country people as the situation is extremely dire. Unlike what our (corrupted) government has been reporting, there have been a high fatality rate and we are fearing it to increase due to the increase in water level every minute and thousands of people are stranded out there exposed to many diseases due to the poor state of shelter homes.

Thank you so much for your attention and time and concern. We will be extremely thankful and appreciative of every little thing that you do for us.