Reality

"Being overly nice to people is not because you are "nice". You just want others' acknowledgment and love."

I wrote about that on another post about a year ago. The reason why I am writing again about it now is to merely reflect on my change the past year. I was pretty much done with being the middle guy who was nice. After last year, I have changed so much. I have become less forgiving, less understanding and less loving. Unlike the past optimistic me who always looked on the bright sides of things and looked for the good points in people, I am now a totally changed person. I have been exposed to so many bad and dark sides of people and life that I am no longer the innocent kid. I am only just seventeen, there's so much more ahead of me, I know. I will continue to see many of both good and bad sides of things and people and those experiences will continue to shape who I am. The most important thing, I feel, in this process is for me to never forget my roots and always reflect on who I was and who I have become.

That line was from a korean drama and when I was watching it last year, it hit me pretty hard. Only because it was applicable to me then. I used to have this mindset that as long as I treat people the way I want to be treated, they will definitely return the favour. I always thought that way. That even if  a person is mean to me, she will change her mind gradually if I treat her the way I want to be treated. However, that is not true. I have learnt that. The world is not as nice. Willingly or unwillingly, I have always been in the middle of conflicts, having to entertain both parties involved. I have become so used to it that I don't even mind it anymore but just put my mind to solving the problem. I was pretty done with that role last year but I am trying to change again.

This year, I have become much better, being able to smile and laugh almost always though I have cried a lot too. I am starting to learn to change myself again because going back to that innocent and gullible and soft hearted kid is not going to help, neither continuing to be this pessimistic person gonna help.

Unlike the past me, where I believed people would be as nice to as I am to them, I now give without expecting anything AT ALL. I used to say in the past that I don't expect anything in return except their smiles and gratitude and blah blah blah but now I don't even expect anything of that sort.

Why? Because I learnt that even though you give so much to a person, there is no guaranteed that the person will do the same back for you or be appreciative of your efforts and might even be hostile towards you.

I am trying my best to get back up on my feet and being able to help others whole heartedly again. I had this period between end of last year and the start of this year whereby I was very ignorant of my surroundings. I was selfish. All I did was care about myself because caring about others led to me being hurt in the end though I only had good intentions.

It all changed when I saw part As. Their thirteen years old innocence has shown me once again about how I have forgotten to look at the rainbows and unicorns and was only concerned and hurt by the dark and deep forests. I have learnt so much from them the past seven months.

I have started to change myself gradually by taking out the positive traits of me from my old self like not hesitating to help others but now I know that I should never do it at the expense of putting myself at risk. I have also learnt to not be hurt if my care and concern is not returned because I cannot expect everyone to be appreciative. Just do my job to my best and help that person. If he or she wants to leave, smile and wave goodbye. Keep the good memories in my heart and look back at them once in a  while and remind myself of how I should make a difference in this world even if its just one person.

You see, all these hurt and sad people somehow always find their way to me and find it in me to fix them. So I do. Just like last time. The only difference is that now I try my best not to get broken in the process of fixing someone else and to not be selfish as to expect the person to stay afterwards. I have learnt to be so much more flexible and understanding and not clingy. I am used to broken souls finding me to fix them and then leaving once they are healed. I now just have to learn to take it in a positive light. To not be so obsessive because my job is to fix them. Not make them stay with me. I am my one and only trustworthy companion in life. I won't ever force anyone else to stay in my life for the sake of my happiness.

Most important takeaway is that I am happy with myself and happiness comes from within me which in turn allows me to spread it to others around me. Learn to love myself first before trying to teach others how to love themselves and not be thirsty for other's love and attention.