Page 365

So today's 31th of December and 2014 is coming to a close... Time flies by so fast that it's so I don't know nostalgic ... So here's a list of ppl I want to thank :

Grandma ~

Thank you for being the motivation and for being on my side forever even when the whole world is against me. I love you :')

Mummy and Daddy ~

Thank you for having been by my side and despite all the conflicts we have, thank you for providing me with every little thing I need. 

My lil bro ~ 

You have been amazing and honestly I think we have both learnt so much more about each other and really hope that we can continue being closer and being there for each other. Thank you for always being the first to apologize and forgive after every fight. As small as you are, you have a huge heart. ❤️

Yu Jean ~ 

Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. It's amazing how we have become so much closer this year and I honestly think that I don't deserve you but thank you for having been there for me always and for always trusting and believing in me. You are amazing the way you are, trust me. In the many years to come, I hope that we will become so much closer and be able to give strength to each other like how we do now. Thank you for the memories. I love you. 

Sanmitha ~

You little cuty weird shit. ;) I know you won't ever see this but fuck there's so much I want to say but you know how I feel don't you? :> OF COURSE YOU DOOO. Saying "thank you" won't be enough because you are one of the best things that have ever happened to me so count yourself lucky ;);) kidding heh. You are so weird and annoying at times and so paranoid at times and so smart and have this irritating way of getting me to do whatever the hell you want >( {I do it cause I love you *kisses* }. Just know that I love you a lot (fxking a lot Kay) and will forever continue to freaking annoy you. ;);) 

310 ~

Thank you so much guys for having so much faith in me and for following me despite the fact that I am such a bad chair. Thank you for all the little notes and memories you guys have given me this year. I hope that 2015 will bring our class much closer. <3

CCA ~

So many people (school unit) have taught me so much about unpleasant stuff but I thank you guys anyways cause these are things that are scary and hurting but thank you for teaching me now so that I won't be this weak when I ever experience such things again. I hated you guys but not anymore cause now you are just the old yellow pages in my 2014 diary that will still kept somewhere in my heart because I don't forget. I don't throw away people easily. 

To other units, thank you for giving me so many beautiful memories. Some of you guys ( cough pierce cough ) are just so amazing and even though you may not even think of me as a good friend (cause we aren't close at all), you guys have been amazing because you have stood by my side and believed in when I needed it the most. :> 

Ryan ~ 

Though we aren't as close anymore, thank you so much for being there for me when I was really out of it and Thank you for leading me back to the right path and most importantly for listening to me. I honestly don't know what would have happened if you hadn't been there. I might just have given in to my useless thoughts... As much as you have been a significant person in my life, I feel useless for not being able to help you despite knowing that you are in difficult times. I am sorry. 

 

Chrissy ~

Despite only knowing you for a few months, thank you for being an amazing person who believes in me and always nag at me to sleep early. >( You must practice what you preach. Ahem. I have not been able to do much for you but know that you are an important and a valuable person to me so don't even think of yourself as useless! I will try harder to be a better sister to you :) 

So yeah here are the list of people that mean a great deal to me and I just wanted to let it all out today. :) Have a great new year and hope 2015 will be much better for all of us!! 

Back in the pool

Today was one of those lazy days where you just lay down on your bed all day long doing nothing and it feels exceptionally pleasant. :) It was raining (or rather drizzling) for the entire day and it kind of spoilt our plans to go to the swimming pool until about 5+ then it stopped. So we hurried to the pool and well really retarded things happen. XDXD

Like there's this part of the pool where there's a simulated tsunami and we drifted too far of to the deeper side and basically drowned (floating up and down desperately trying to grasp for air ): ) with the lifeguard laughing at us cause he was just as clueless as we were XD Then we had this "genius" idea of two people sitting on one float and well let's just say it didn't end well :p { we got stuck when we both tried to get out of it and we were just walking around with the float stuck around us for like 5 mins }. Retarded, aren't we? :p Still it was super fun <3

Christmas is over and new year is round the corner so that can only mean one thing : school's gonna reopen soonnnn and I am no ready for that shit. Literally. I am just really really tired of the whole idea of school I guess... Lol

Today I saw A's insta update about how she's finally happier cause she recently broke up but the behind story is this : They both met at Nat Camp (both in my grp) and ended up dating after the camp and broke up after like two months (?). She even said that he was two timing her all along and blah blah blah. My only question is : how can you start and throw away a relationship so easily? There's another couple from my group but they actually seem to be doing well so good luck to them I guess :> There was also news of Seven and Han Byul breaking up and like it was a 12 yrs old relationship that started since high school. Freaking 12 years. Of course it may or may not be true. Maybe it was already a goner relationship since before and they just hadn't announce it to the public but still how can you just ... so easily? Or is it just me?

~ A very Merry Christmas indeed ~

Merry Christmas :) So today's the day I have been waiting for, for so long. Not like I am a Christian and I celebrate it,

it's just... it's just these festive days that I really look forward to because i like how everyone just smiles and wishes to each other. :) Cheesy? Anyways, spent today at USS. Haha they have been really upgrading the facilities + adding in new touches since the last six months! I really enjoyed today because I spent it with my family and though I don't really get along well with them, it's at least comforting to have one by my side ... I wished ppl (some special ones) Happy Christmas Eve yesterday and I really really sincerely was happy that they in return wished me Merry Christmas at exactly midnight. It was sort of like reassurance to me that as much as they mean a lot to me, I meant a lot to them as well :)

It's kind of weird how this year has really been a spicy year cause I expected it to be the peak of my RGS life and was really looking forward to it and then looking at it now, there's just six days left and yet nothing I expected, nothing, has yet happened. It's even more terrifying how things have actually been a complete opposite of how I imagined it would be. It's kind of saddening. 

It's not actually a sad feeling I guess (?) cause I don't legit feel sad but rather more of mix feelings like regret, disappointment, despair and hurt ... The 2014 I imagined and the 2014 I was in is two very different worlds and after experiencing this, I dare not say I have matured so much more but I can confidently say I have learnt so much more. 

If

If one day I can't take it anymore and I go away, will you come with me?

If one day I can't take it anymore and I disappear, will you look for me?

If one day I can't take it anymore and I turn into a monster, will you still love me?

If one day I can't take it anymore, will you hug me tightly and whisper into my ears that everything's going to be alright?

If I change,

If I leave,

If I ...,

Will you still wait for me...?

Will you still be there at the same place where I left you, waiting for me to come back?

Will you still ... still ... love me? 

Sept Hols~~

Hello!! ^~^ Hehe I am feeling quite good (?) XDXD Update on my hols so far :D Hmm… Let's see
Teachers Day Celebrations was kind of okayish only… The performances were great but then afterwards was not very i-dont-know-how-to-say-it-but-it-was-just-so-so :( (No offense to ppl who had a lot of fun. Lunch afterwards was awesome! I ate with my mum at JP :D And then Friday night was the "magical" night. <3 Saturday was swimming lessons and I finally finally can SWIM (legit swim from point A to B and not the usual my-arms-and-legs-are-moving-but-why-is-my-body-stationary???) My coach finally got fed up with me and made me stay back after lessons to coach me 1:1 Was really really really thankful for that cause yeah it sucked but i can finally swim!!! HUE HUE The rest of the holidays was just spent dreadfully studying for EYAs except 1 star kayaking!!! OMGOMGOMG LET ME JUST SPAZZ OKAY. It was awesome *_* The first day wasn't that much of fun except getting lost on the way. Yes it was really fun getting lost on the way cause i had this really really longggggggg and calming walk along this canal in this forest area. Walking by yourself with music plugged in at 7 am in the morning is actually a stress relieving therapy. Trust me on this ;)I think i walked like 5 bus stops (mind you the bus stops were    f    a    r    apartD:) Add in about 3 km from the start of the golf course till the reservoir as well … Yup a good exercise. It was nice and calm at the park but the rest of the journey was just me walking and walking and walking with sweat dripping from my forehead to my toes. It was really hot. The first part of the lesson was dry (dry = boring and dry = no water geddit:PPP). Then it got more fun and wetter ;) Second day was way more fun than the first because the entire day was spent with san and yj together unlike the first day when we were all paddling away in different directions XD We did the T-rescue drill together and failed badly. No matter it was still fun as heck cause what better way is there to spend a day in kayaking with your friends, right? Who am i kidding, there's a million and one way better than that :( I really really really want to travel around with yj and s. It would be so freaking coollll  and that was how my sept hols went. :) Hope yours was great and awesome too! 

Relapse

Lately if I were to confess, I have been confused. I can't remember where I put my stuff. I get confused by time so much that I can barely recall what happened yesterday. I don't really feel that energetic. This only means one thing. A relapse of what happened in March. Most people probably don't know what happened but only a few would. Those few that have become so distant from me in the past few months. I MISS THAT MAGICAL MORNING… I am really really tired right now… I remember how i was so hyped up last dec thinking about what a wonderful year would 2014 be. Sec 3, new class, new friends, new teachers, new subject combi, part C, new responsibilities, new opportunities… I was looking forward to it like crazy. That moment finally came and everything was going fine until i came back from OBS. When i came back from OBS, everything changed. It just did. Without any reasons. Maybe I am overreacting but trust me when i say that the last eight months have been crazy. It really has been. I have changed so much and seen so many changes. It's all so sudden and new. I felt like collapsing at one moment. When the weight of everything crashed on me. A few helped me made it through. I though i was going to die. Later on, now, I realized that the same few were the ones who is making me collapse again. I found myself in that period of hell but i lost everything else. I lost my closest ties. People. Perhaps it's because i have changed too much and too sudden. Perhaps it's because we weren't actually that close anyways. You see, i tend to rush into relationships. Maybe i was the only one who was interested in us. "Us" is no longer important to you nor me now and somehow i still keep the memories deep inside somewhere and i take them out on rainy days or those i-am-mentally-and-physically-tired-and-i-only-want-to-see-you-again days. I take them out and i just replay them and i laugh at all the good times that we spent and spend the rest of the night crying because i know that i can never get it back or even the chance to create any memories with you. because it is now "you" and "I" and not "us". 

Healing

I like the concept of "healing". You know those little trips you take once in a while to heal your emotional scars or simply just to recharge. Last night was amazing. We went to visit our grandmother and left their house at midnight. On our way back, we saw a lot of bikers who were traveling in one big group. Curious, we followed them behind slowly. At first, we were afraid that we might run out of diesel oil. At another point, we were afraid that the bikers might become suspicious of us since we were the only car that was following a whole group of bikers. As we kept going, we came to an end of the road. By that time, the bikers were all gathered under a shelter. What we saw next was unbelievable. It was 1 am at night so it was quite dark. It wasn't exceptionally breathtaking. Nor was it really that picturesque. But still it was something. I am glad we went because it somehow got me to start thinking through all the things that have been stuck at the back of my mind for quite sometime. In fact, for a few months now. I wished we stayed until morning to watch the sunrise <3 It would have been an amazing night and morning then but sadly we had to leave. Anyhow, it was somehow a magical night … Technically it is was a magical morning just now… <3

What has happened so far

So Monday was PDS selection test and was pleasantly surprised at some part Bs whom i never imagined would be that good… mainly because i mostly paid attention to the weaker ones and therefore didn't really see everyone. I would say that some shocked me in a good way and some in a bad way. I think i unconsciously categorized them into three categories. The ones that were better than usual (unexpected much), the ones that performed as the same standard as usual and weren't exceptionally good and lastly the ones who performed poorer than usual (very very very rare). 

I realized that it was a black and white situation meaning that those who were considered good (it was like only one?) were really good and those who were considered "okay" (quite a few) were just so-so (considering they went to BI already we expected a bit more from them) and those who were considered as "cmi" were really cmi. Of course, it is all just a  result of willingness and training. This was somewhat unfair in my opinion ( I REPEAT IN MY OPINION, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S ) I feel that it was unfair because some are BIs and some are not. Of course, we expected more from BIs and of course no one (except one) met our expectations but nonetheless they had prior experience. I guess it can't be helped due to time constraints. I just really hope that when we do release the results, things wont really become very very chaotic. From the list that i currently have, confirm will have chaotic things. I am worried. In fact, i considered quitting PDS because of that. I don't wanna be sucked into problems again. I already foresee things. Not good. Not good. I am getting too friendly with Bs. Not that i don't want to. But it's like I am getting too attached to them. It doesn't help much when i know like so many of their platoon problems. I really feel burdened. But then again, I am not their NCO so none of my business~~ If (ONLY IF) they do come to me, i won't push them away :) 

Next would be me getting into COC. It wasn't really because of my skills but rather "connections". Also i am not even in the team. Just a reserve. Nonetheless, really really glad that i am given this chance because now i can learn from everyone else. #veteranprecisiondrillers #excitedmuch I think you can see that my tone is slowly shifting to one of annoyed and angered. Yes currently i am angry and annoyed.

PDS

So you can probably tell that I am going to talk about PDS, right? (Unless you score an all time zero for comprehension)

Anyways firstly, mini league was horrible. It was such a disappointment due to many many reasons. Good job to Part Bs tho~~ they did really well! ^^

PDS is starting to be annoying now. Mostly because of myself. I am deproving and my drills are like shit. I am considering if I should quit the team or not. If I do, I should probably let my batch mates know soon... I am really torn and am dead serious about this. It's not one of those things that I just let slip out of my mouth and forget about it. I am really considering whether I should continue or not. But as usual the Peirce gang was damn comforting <3 They never fail to make me feel much better. 

I am very worried for part Bs. Some of them are doing their best but they just can't seem to be improving ??? I know it has only been two trainings so far but it's enough time to at least get VOS/DOS?? I mean in a course we only spend like 30 mins trying to teach that... And we have been spending like 2hr ++ on it?? Haizzz I am a really bad teacher. I CANT TEACH. And it doesn't help that batch mates keep pushing the weaker ones to me to teach one to one?? Like hello I am the worst instructor you can find out there and you want me to teach the weaker ones? You sure bro? 

AND THATS WHY I SAY THAT :

I wanna leave the team because my standards just can't make it. I suck, period. I am so done. I know that I will probably disappoint a ton of people by quitting but seriously I have been trying for a year now and nope no improvements. 

I need to calm down and think things through...

I can't believe that I actually talked to T today. It hasn't been long that I have decided to forget and erase him. But then again I guess it would have been rude to just ignore. It actually hurt to talk to him. It was painful. My head hurts. 

Update

It has been such a longggg time since i updated. Haizzz. Well tbh no one actually reads this so I guess it doesn't really matter but somehow i just feel like i need to …?? Haha Anyways let's see BIG events that happened so far (In chronological order)

1) Math and CSP TA
2) Dad's operation
3) National Camp
4) POP
5) SPA
6) 1st PDS Training

and that's it. Nothing much… except that tomorrow is 2nd PDS training!! Woo!!! PDS is pretty fun and interesting for me, somewhat like a stress reliever. :> (part Bs are extremely fun to be with<3) 

Shall talk briefly about each "big" event : TAs went better than i thought. I know that once again, I am going to fail my math but i will say that regardless of the results (esp M1) I am going to be damn proud of myself because i actually put in a lot of hard work this time round! Hopefully i can pass for EYA. (Of course, going to work even harder) I now have motivations for me to work hard for EYA :D so ye I hope my enthusiasm wont die out quickly huehue

Dad's operation went fine as well and he's recovering very quickly now. Hopefully, he will recover to the fullest.

National camp was THE CAMP. Yup THE CAMP. Not just a camp but THE camp. Second best camp after OBS. <3 I swear our division had so much chemistry :'D AHAHAhahhha I still remember how the guys were laughing at us (girls) for crying on the last day but they themselves were teary *awwww* I like how after a week, our whatsapp group is still going strong (not to mention the many many mini sub grps as well XD ). Hopefully we can continue being good friends this way. Imagine how cool it would be if we all go back as volunteers in NAT CAMP 2016??? (wait and watch it happen :D )

Went back to school straight after NAT CAMP and arrived just when it was study block. (hah! managed to skip lessons woo!) I wasn't planning to go back but somehow i knew that they needed me there for POP (passing out parade for sec 4s). I can literally read their mind and true enough they needed me desperately. They even cried… shall not elaborate much. Another reason that i was glad that i went is because of what happened to CIP on sunday ( while i was still in camp ) . At least the teachers scolded me more and not my batch mates. I can take scoldings better than them so yeah.

SPA was horrible. I went in like 20 mins late and couldn't finish and yup it was basically the most screwed up paper of the term. *cue claps* :(

Looking forward to tomorrow PDS training!!!

I miss you dearly

Tonight is one of those rough nights. Rough rough nights that make tears fall down your face and make your screams die right before it comes out of your throats. Rough rough nights that only the sound of silent crying is heard. Rough rough nights when all the memories replay on the ceiling (that you have been staring at for the past half an hour or so). I hate those nights. Tonight is one of those rough nights that makes my heart to be in so much pain that i clasp the left area of my chest tightly till i feel numb.

I miss you so dearly. I do. I do. I remember the first time we met. I remember the first we time we talked. The first time we laughed together. After meeting you, my universe changed. I started to wonder how i could have survived all these while without you. It felt like i couldn't breathe for another moment without you. I remember running to you when i felt like crying. I remember wanting to be hugged by you when i needed reassurance. I remember too … you running to me as you were crying. I also remember you looking for reassurance in my words to you. You were my pillar of strength and i thought i was yours… Then i realized i wasn't a pillar. I was one of those benches in the park. The ones that you sit on when you are so sick and tired of walking. The ones that you sweat on after running around the park. The ones that you leave after you are done. Done resting. When you are ready to move on, you just leave so easily. Poor bench. All it is left with is the marks you leave behind. Your sweat. Your touch. Your scent. You are gone. I was that bench. 

I wonder if once in awhile, you think of that bench? If once in a while, you are grateful for that bench's existence or it just goes unnoticed? As usual. Or do you just unconsciously sit on it when your legs are burning after a long run? I am happy just being that bench. I do sometimes wish of course that i was the pillar.

But,

"Apparently the world is not a wish granting factory." ~ The Fault In Our Stars

I like HQ

Yup. I am pretty sure that's not a normal thing. People will probably call me xiao XDXD I just like it. It's peaceful when no one's there. It's nice and quiet… When it's bustling, it's a wonderful place as well <3

Anyways, today started pretty bad because the first thing i got back in the morning was my chem sup paper and guess who failed badly? ME. Guess who left 7 marks worth of questions? ME. Okay. I am pretty upset and all but after today, i also wanna put in more effort and do a decent job for chem EYA. At least a pass okay… I am kind of frustrated because i am not making any improvements. I have been sitting down and doing i don't know how many assessment books and this is the result?? Haizzz Just gotta try harder i guess…

Things got lighter and better throughout the day until EL. I was excited because i have never been in any debates before. Honestly, the nearest i got to one was being the "MC", you know the timekeeper and the one that runs the debate. Yup never participated in a debate before. :( I wanted to be consultant at first because i was kind of scared about trying it. Then I was like "YEAH I CAN DO THIS MAN" because it wasn't in front of the entire class but in groups. ONLY TO REALIZE that i will be doing it in front of the class because fourth speaker -.- Trust me, no one understood what i was trying to say. That was how fail i was. I was supposed to summarize my group's points and yet i struggled. Now we know who not to choose for interclass debates, people. (cough ME cough) I felt so fail because i couldn't remember my points and my words were all jumbled up. That was the longest one minute of my life. (Okay maybe not. The longest would be when I am trying to do planks.) 

I didn't go down for recess because i didn't feel like eating. I regretted immediately after the bell rang because by then i was super hungry. :( I was planning to grab some food quickly before going down for CCA and then S asked if i was okay with going to HQ and missing part of training. I didn't say no because after all it's my issue. As in I am supposed to hand in forms for NAT camp and it's mine after all so i agreed and then she told me that Mr Ng wanted to meet me in 10 mins. WHAT THE FLOWER Okay anyways rushed down and collected the forms from him. Then he told me to collect a pair of boots from NCC room to exchange in HQ. At first i thought, it belonged to K since she needed to change then i realized it was his. -.- Haizz liddat lah. Okay lah i guess cause on the way anyways. Not like he is asking me to run errands right? Haha

HQ is always weird when you go alone. It's either the guard house will make your life difficult or the people inside will do the job. Last time, they refused to open the door until me and Yj agreed to say the "password". How lame is that??? AHAHAAH I remember laughing so hard that time XDXD This time round, the people inside did the job. They made fun of me .-. I kena bullied all the time sia </3 But heard a really funny story of sir and it was the funniest thing MADE MY DAY MAN :p Oh yeah and met cedar ppl hee :D:D and of course bought my beloved water conservation badge which someone owes me ahem ahem >(

Came back to RGS after that and talked about the different roles we have to carry out next year and then home sweet home! ^^ Have a great day whoever you are (if there are readers at all)! 

Bossy

So yesterday was... weird. I was quite hyped up you know "yay! Training." And then it just ended on a really weird note... I am still not quite sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that I followed them to "crap talk" after rehearsal. I knew because I went. I wouldn't have known if I didn't go. I would still have to know it sooner or later anyways but somehow after knowing I wish I knew later. Just like the SSC story. I told them I was fine because what else do you want me to tell you??? Oh I am not fine. I am dying inside. I need to cry. 
I don't trust you enough to show you that side of me again. 
Anyways I am still in a dazed mood because it happened so quickly. I should have known. 

It's funny though the people I thought of at that moment 

The people I wanted to run to 

The people I wanted to talk to 

The people I wanted to cry on 

It's exactly two people. 

"I know it's your personality. You are DOMINEERING but I understand."
assert one's will over another in an arrogant way.
You don't because firstly I am not domineering. 

"I hope you know who's in-charge. She's the one in-charge after all."

You said you won't play ranks. 

"You didn't give her ANY opportunity to talk."

So you want me to wait for her to finally muster up the courage to be able to start commanding while poor part X has to stand in sedia?

FYI, she didn't talk much even when I completely stopped and she was forced to. 

"If you're willing to change it, there would be no more problems."

Who are you to tell me to change?

"Person A and B has problems working with each other because person A is bossy."

All I want to say to you is, "Hi, I am uh... still in the room and my perfectly working ears can hear everything you are saying?"

"Don't be hurt okay?"

Easy for you to say, you aren't in my situation. 

"Are you okay?"

When I answered "uh...yeah", you said "fine if you are gonna answer it like that." Do you expect me to start ranting  and crying when I don't trust you anymore...?

To B, this is what I wanna say to you :

Hi. It might have hurt lesser if you had told me in my face first. It was painful finding it out from others about me. Yes, it's about me. I don't see any reasons why you need to tell others about me. Rmbr when I said to just voice out any opinions you were so quiet. You were someone that still earned basic respect from me because I thought you were better than others but not anymore. Like someone said I hope you know that what you did was a cowardly act. 

It's weird how I remember every single sentence, word to word, though I was on the verge of breaking down. I remember that when I first heard it my mind went blank. It was shut down. Everything only came when I was on the bus. It was too late to break down by then.  

"Friends are number one on the list of 'things you think are a must have in life but are actually dragging you down'."

I miss you

My Sunday afternoon was well spent I guess … Not so sure because I expected a lot more though… Something seemed to be lacking in them but nonetheless I did learnt a lot more about PWID. I am really happy that i chose this because yay it turned out to be a really fun place and the group of ppl there are <3ly. By people, I am talking about RGS ppl haha. I haven't got to know any other volunteers better :( I don't like that J person though :/ He seemed "wow He's nice" at first then found out he's kind of a douchebag … It was surprising to know that he would rather spend his book-out weekend here rather than elsewhere (like most people) but it was annoying how he kept making fun of what i say and asking ridiculous questions -.- Okay lah apart from him, everyone else was either extremely friendly or extremely dao haha no in between man. It was kind of awkward I must admit.

I spent sunday night gobbling away so much food only to realize the next day that i was allergic to crabs and had swollen lips and hands :(:( Haizzz I didn't want to go at first but I am glad i went because it was fun and OMG CRABS PRAWNS SEAFOOD <345 Hahahha

I kind of miss talking to some people and by that i mean really few people. I guess it's because I showed them who i really am and they were the only ones who knew most … I have become so distant from them and to be honest, I am still trying to get used to it. Get used to them not being there anymore. Haizzz So tired out by all these seriously…

Anyways not looking forward to NDC because 2 stupid speeches :( I just hope that the GOH will be an understanding and empathetic person who won't drag on his/her speech… Looking forward to rehearsal though! :pp  

Maybe

I am quite happy that i finally made up with O today. I am glad she finally took the first step because i sure wasn't going to. I guess it was partly my fault after all because well i shouldn't have stayed near her at that time. It was a time where i should have either isolated myself or surround myself with people who knows me. Then again, having to go to school everyday doesn't help much, does it? Anyways, that's all in the past and i can only try to not lose control of myself so easily next time.

It was hilarious when Mrs H caught L standing in front of me AHAHAHAH She was so pissed off and amused at the same time :pp L got totally mind blown by my great awesome fantastic amazing plan. Hah. I had it since like the start of july but tbh i just wanted to be the audience and watch you guys run the show for a while :p I know i sound mean and damn bitch, but i was really curious about how things will turn out. Truth to be told, i wanted to watch longer but what J said made me think. "They are humans too you know… they make mistakes…" That pushed me to just stop being a bitch and to start running the show haha. I pretty much enjoyed the show i guess, partly because it was all so predictable and yet i was amused at how it all turned out. I am glad J said that to me because well at least i stepped in before it's too late, you know not when there's too much friction. Sometimes i feel like i have better things to do and that most of the time my work goes unappreciated but i feel the need to at times as well. (or at least when J scolds me)

I seem to have grown apart from certain ppl a lot lost some people. I guess i saw that coming and it was bound to happen and all but it still hurts. It hurts every time i hear their names because i just want to drop everything i am doing and run to wherever they are. Only i know i can't. No fights. No conflicts. No nothing. Just slowly disappearing. You know like how when you used to text every single day and then it all slowly decreases till one day you just stop talking altogether without any reasons. I don't know whether they feel the same way as me but they were and are the most important people to me because i was sincere. Whatever we were, i was serious about it. We couldn't even define what we were and yet we were the most important thing to me. It still is. I found so much similarities between us and i found comfort in talking to you and happiness when i could listen to your problems and know that you will come to me when things get tough. And now it's just all gone. Just like that… Maybe i am over thinking. Maybe i was the only one who felt that way. Maybe i am the only one who was sincere. Maybe i was the only one who was serious about us.

RHD'14

RGS did a good job by setting a day aside specifically for RHD. I mean it was pretty fun ye know walking around and seeing so many colors and different activities. My favorite part would be the demonstration by two very very very very (cannot emphasize enough) cute kids about a traditional chinese wedding. IT WAS SO CUTE THAT I WAS STANDING LIKE AN IDIOT AND SPAZZING OVER THEM THE ENTIRE FREAKING TIME GOSH. They were really really cute bowing to heaven and earth and to each other and whatnots. OMG CAN YOU NOT. I guess what Mrs H said made a huge impact on me… "Maybe we are over thinking this idea of falling in love and taking marriage too seriously." I guess it's true for some people… You know when you over think too much and hurt yourself greatly in the end. After all thoughts are just you pointing the sharp end of the sword into your body willingly. No one has control over another's thoughts neither can anyone stop another's thoughts. 

It was kind of nice to take an hours nap before CCA. Kind of cleared up my mind and my mood changed. Training was extremely fun for the first part because it's something very new and yet not very daunting. Okay maybe it might become daunting once we start doing it in front of the 1800+ RG population but for today we were just commanding the cars :pp Shadowing was painful. I kind of felt bad for scolding them :( But yay! They waved at me later at the bus stop! ^^ Heh 

Today was generally slack except for the hour long bio remedial which was actually kind of productive heh Mrs H rocks! Good luck for TAs everyone!! ^^

A really busy week

Haha the title says it all. This week has been so hectic but really enjoyed it as well hahas. Started off with first temp NCOing on Monday hehe it was really really fun and learnt quite a lot of things about both myself and part Bs… I spent one and a half hour on Tuesday roaming around Orchard trying to buy earplugs for platoon for live range hahas. It was fun walking around Orchard ye know. I have always liked seeing crowds bustling and all but not like I interact with people but more like just seeing them and feeling happy. Sometimes I like to be around nature (like botanic gardens), you know just me and my thoughts but at times i like to take a stroll down the busy lanes filled with people bustling with life. That's just me. Okay back to Tuesday, so live range was really fun and exciting but i was hyperventilating and was so scared that my hands were shaking super badly. Of course i managed to pass but performed super poorly :( but the experience was worth it! It kind of sucked to be the last detail cause we had to clean up the entire place from picking up the cartridges (is this even correct spelling? lol) to packing up all the helmets and whatnots. Haizz was pretty tired out that day… I didn't even eat lunch so yeah… Wednesday was really really just me chionging my SS PT throughout the day. Didn't pay attention in every single class (mainly cause they were all humanities and was super boring). Realised my RS tchr didn't come and I jumped up and down in joy till i realized i still haven't finish my PT which was due in one and a half hour time. Handed up the PT at 2:29 pm which was due at 2:30 Damn boss i know XD I was lectured by so many people that day for not doing my work on time ahha but somehow i just love last minute work (esp SS) (last min chionging FTW). Thursday. Went for RHD briefing in the morning and it was so cozy because it was raining so heavily and the air conditioning was so strong <345 ^^ I really really love that kind of atmosphere heh. Had first NDP rehearsal and i must say GOH is the best. GOH FTW!!!! Our motto goes like this "Last in, First out!" Woo! But ah… our drills need to be really really synchro since guides are much slower and we need a proper permanent timer heh. Mr Faizal was damn joker man. I miss his history lessons :'( Omg and i left my wallet in library after school cause i went to print LEAP cert and luckily a former class mate found it oh gosh if not i am pretty sure it would have been stolen :( thanks ah J! Friday. Went to school early to hand in national camp forms (woo i got in!!) and to send part As off to camp forge (i miss being part A </3) I used to dread chem first block but now i must say that's something i will always look forward to!!!!! MR LEE IS DA BEST LAH AHAH. Rushed chem assignment and mugged math last minute heh. Went for math test after school then rushed off to CSP. AHAHAH OMG I FAIL LAH. LC was really easy but oral was so hard. I could only recognize like two - three characters in every sentence and the conversation was even more fail. Hahaha considering that i haven't opened up chinese textbook in two months, i guess i deserve it. Crossing my fingers that i will pass.


Saturday was awesome mainly because of piano. Not so much of swimming because it was physically draining and i still can't move forward (yeah i am like this float that can only float on water and relies on the wind to propel me forward). Learnt G and D major and struggled with the latter because i suck at coordination (esp when i played with both hands now i know what yj meant) Anyways had a really nice chat with my piano teacher after lesson and i must say that what she said was really really simple and yet very true. "It's okay to be single and be lonely for a long long time and to wait for the right person to come along because I rather wait for a long long time than to rush into a relationship!" - Ms Zuo Haha she was so cute talking about how she can't stand men nowadays because they are not the old fashioned type blah blah blah. Heh glad that i got to know her better!


To the anon that said " You really are bitter about it, aren't you. I would say let it go, but sometimes it just sticks to you. " I guess i have gotten over it this week. Esp after things happened. So yeah don't worry I am not longer bitter nor do i even care anymore hehe! ^^ But uh… you know why I like watching dramas? I like watching them because in the usual typical family dramas, you see that the weaker ones with no power gets trampled upon and are considered as trash but at the end they rise to the top because they use purely their own strengths and work their butts off to reach to the top. Even if it means that they are fighting with their bare fists against opponents who have small hidden stones in their fists. They motivate me you see. I dare say I always give my best so i guess it's only right that i was bitter and disappointed and angry even though i am pretty sure i sound like a sore loser but whatever. The past is now in the past. I only look forward to the future now. :) I really want to know who you are though… Too many unknown identities on my ask fm AHAAHAH

Nice huh?

I have a chem test tmr ahha and i am so screwed up haizzz

Somehow I have been thinking through this weekend about who I really want to be. What happened during class meeting last Friday really shook me up. I swear i almost cried and ran out but kind of managed to hold in my emotions. At least the darker ones cause i did end up sulking. The situation was exactly a remake of what happened and it just hit me so hard. It made me question why the hell am i letting people do this to me again and why the hell am i playing the bad guy again. I kept telling myself to calm down but i just couldn't … I was really really riled up hard by my emotions because it was so pressurizing. It was pressurizing to stand up in front the entire class and to manage them and handle all the complaints and the frequent whispers or rather critics of my decisions and it just reminded me of what has been happening to me since part A. The middle guy. The bad guy. And yet all i am is a puppet. Everyone tugging at my strings instructing me to go wherever they wish. That is my true honest blunt feeling. The one that tries to keep things together but only to be left out at the end. Only to have everyone walk away in the end. "Being overly nice to people is not because you are "nice". You just want others' acknowledgment and love." Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with trying my butts off to make someone smile when they just had a bad day? Is there anything wrong with wanting someone by my side? To want someone who will be there for me just like I will be there for the many of you? Well tbh i am also pretty much done with being the "nice guy". I try so freaking hard to please everyone and then in the end you just criticize everything i do and walk away. I try so freaking hard to maintain the relationship only to realize you never even considered me as a person. "Just because i am nice doesn't mean i am a pushover." ~unknown Just because I don't fight with you for things doesn't mean i don't want it as badly as you. Just because i don't scold you doesn't mean you can keep repeating your mistakes. I am not asking much of you. Just the basics. Just do the least you can and i will do the rest. But you cant even be responsible for yourself. See what you have done? You made everyone suffer. And just a while ago you were saying how you will start being more responsible and how you will work harder. I don't mind not wearing badges because badges don't define me. Rank doesn't define my leadership abilities. But these are also the very basics of one's image. Not having any badges to wear doesn't matter. But the fact that you remember to bring the badges and proudly puts it on shows that you are someone who takes pride in her work and that is a good thing to show people that you are very much confident of your abilities. If you can't even remember to bring it, it simply implies that you don't even bother to pin it on. Then what's the point of earning the badge? Remember that behind every badge, theres a story. A story on how you managed to attain it and it usually involves handwork. So credit yourself when due.

Homecoming III eh..? Sounds exciting and yet daunting. OMG also seems like i will be pretty busy huh so many jobs haha. How will seniors react to the now RGSNCC? I wonder if their thoughts then and now are different. For example, the GG rules. I still find it ridiculous. Its so absurd to me, still. I mean look at other schools, they are so friendly and close with each other and yet they still maintain the discipline and respect towards each other. Why can't we do the same? "I guess its traditions and its only right to pass it down." NO. Have you ever thought that perhaps sometimes traditions are meant to be broken and new methods are to be explored? And that if you ever try it, there's a higher gaining rate than losing. I feel like such a rebel.

It really drains up my energy to be with someone. I feel really useless because all i can do is just sit down and watch. And as your friend, i am not supposed to do that. Maybe you think i am like a loser whining about not getting to go for the course but trust me there were a thousand other reasons why i needed to go apart from the rooftops. == Haizzzz I am just so tired...

Heartache

June hols are like almost over… I must say that i changed a lot this year. Half a year has gone by and it seems so fast. It seems as if ytd was christmas as if ytd was 2013… Time is flying by faster and faster… I am soon going to become a sec 4 and graduate and I am soon taking over and then stepping down. Everything seems so fast and I am lost. I remembered at the start of year how i had plans and expectations for myself. Well nothing seems to be going too wrong except i know i ain't on the right path either… I am a weird person. I get overly worried for my friends. I know a lot of people. Like really a lot of people. I can literally walk through the canteen and know at least 3/4 of the population but that doesn't mean they are all my friends. I don't have a lot of friends. I just know a lot of people. I have people who run to me with problems all the time. I try my best to help them but what hurts me is that they leave me in the end. Just yesterday someone said this "You are a very good friend you know. I thought friends like you only existed in mangas and fairy tales." But that very person once left me too. I won't ever forget the time when i went through hell because of her. And yet I forgave and moved on. But I can't forget. The best I can do is forgive. Millen said this "Wathan, just ignore me lah. I am like that at night times. I become emo." Haha high five brah. I am just like that as well. "12am to 6am, where you either feel like you are on top of the world or totally beneath it." I must say that most of the times it's when i feel totally beneath it. Memories replay and wounds cut opened again. Tears falling silently and the solitude becomes almost unbearable. Everyone says I have changed. "Yes i have changed. Pain does that to people." I am just really broken right now. I am just trying my best to hold onto something. Something and i don't even know what it is anymore. I just need someone in my life who genuinely cares for me. Someone, the only person, whom I can lean on and cry on. Yes i am strong. To the world, I am a strong chic who lends a helping hand to those in need and a shoulder on cry on for those who need to cry their hearts out. Yes I am someone whom you can depend on. You just need to call me and ask for help… That's all you need to do… Ask for help and I will give it. All I ask is one person in return. One person whom I can show my weaknesses to. One person whom i can cry on. And i thought i finally found that person… until you too… left me… All i ask is just one person…

On a side note, the BI course was really fun and enriching… Perice PDS team taught me a lot about what it means to do something with passion. What it means to be a senior. What it means to be a friend. I can't believe I opened up to Millen, Davin and Alvin. I mean that issue was something that only few people knew. It was something I swore to never share with anyone else because no one would understand and yet i told them… Their reaction was comforting. Their reaction showed that I should stop being hurt over the issue and move on. Their reaction showed me that while there are people out there who hate me, I also have people who i can fall back on. Thank you guys for teaching me precious lessons and for being there for me. Thank you for being so supportive and caring. Thank you for allowing me to see light in life again after I have lost it for a long time. Sighpie I miss them. I miss them so much...

Well looks like I am leaving soon weee. Quite excite and also sad at the same time... As much as I want to leave I want to say as well. I have made so many memories here that every place reminds me of smth now. And they are all memories I want to never forget. Happy or sad I wanna keep them all. It somehow feels like I am leaving my "home" again except this isn't my home. 😊 oh wells I rather put my family first than myself. I want to take care of my grandma too~~ Let's just pray that I will get in and when I do, it's goodbye to one and hello to the other...

I am used to being used. I am used to people coming to me when they need me and throwing me away after. I would just be like "oh another one eh..." But I didn't know you were like that too... I thought you were different. I thought I was lucky to have found you who was so different from the rest but it's only just me  judging wrongly. It's just my eyes seeing the things my heart wants to see and not what you really are. You came when you needed me. You left when you didn't need me anymore. Every time I look at the little reminders of who we were once I laugh. I would laugh and fall in love with the memories again. Except now I know you are just like all the other humans. My fault for thinking you were an angel. 

"How do you know when it's over?"

"When you fall in love with the memories rather than the person standing infront of you."

And so now I know it's finally over. 

ATC IMPT

Headache ... It's really getting to me now. My health is. I can't sleep until 4+ for how many nights already? (And I am someone that sleeps latest by 12...) How many mornings have I woke up feeling so giddy that I lose my balance at times? How many times have I skipped meals or eat really really late? (I would never ever skip meals but now I do it unconsciously...) I remember in P6 how I was really really sick. It was amazing how I managed to hang on until PSLE. My face was swollen almost every day.

Since part A year I realized something. I cannot tehan trainings for real long. Like part A ATC, I was sparred cause things turned real bad and it was 99% just seniors and teachers "fighting". And that somehow ruined my part A year and yet I learnt real powerful lesssons. I like my A NCOs but I also know what are some things I shouldn't take after them. They were too much of a rebellion and a really cliquey platoon. In part B ATC, on the first night I alrdy had to fall out. Well that wa actually my fault. Cause while bunk cleaning I scraped my knees until the skin ard both knees' were completely torn away. Yup didn't realize until I fell down while ke-belakaning. That same night I had really bad cramps. Yup my timetable is sweet.

This year ATC I wonder how it will be like. Merger, 15+ Ds (max was 10 :/ ) and ma'ams. Eeyeer. I bet at least three will turn up. Not that I don't want them to come but uh things are gonna be chaotic eh. And we are "in-charge". We will be reporting for the company. We will be commanding the company. We will be instructing the company. We will be leading the company. How well can we do? How well will I do? Honestly I am very afraid. "Think before you speak." This was what a senior said to me when I was PT IC for a day. That struck me. Because it was as if she read me. She could tell that I was shooting off whatever the seniors were shouting at me to do. "How long do you want?! You sure it's like that?!" Without thinking, I would freak out at every scream because I would regard every scream as an instruction and then I would end up giving too many instructions at the same time. Only to end up confusing the company. Well time to change. I guess no matter how much they are shouting at you, just calm down and think. 

Um.. Um.. So ah fire drill. Well platoon mates were discussing Abt it today. They still haven't decided how they are going to warn the company about it. 1) tell them secretly tmr but how? Cause sec 4s will be there. 2) email them and ask them to keep it a secret from sec 4s. So uh assuming that ahem someone reads this blog cough cough. I shall warn here and help out ^^ 

What is fire drill? 

We have two nights, right? It depends when it will be, up to sec 4s. It's unexpected so we MUST be prepared AT ALL TIMES. Well last yr it happened ard 4+. First a sec 4 will run into your bunk, swing open the door and yell at you all "PART X ITS FIRE DRILL GET UP!!!" And then you will all wake up and run down to the square area outside of canteen (but I guess it can change). But here's the trick. While running down, sec 4s and ma'ams will try to "kidnap" any of us. They will drag you as hard as they can or tell you gently "part X trust me and come with me."

Whether they decide to be a violent psycho or a smooth con artist to you, DO NOT GO WITH THEM. THIS IS WHAT YOU DO. YOU WOULD PREPARE A TRIO SYSTEM IN ADVANCE WHEREBY THE PLATOON IS BROKEN ITO TRIOS. So when you sleep in the bunk, sleep next to each other. ^^ (it helps) then when running down, HOLD HANDS AND RUN AS FAST AS THE WIND. When someone tries to kidnap you, SCREAM FOR OUR (Cs) HELP. "SEC THREES HELP US." AND THEN DRAG AWAY UR PLAT MATES FROM THE BAD GUY. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO KICK / PUNCH / WHATEVER. but be careful. You don't want to injure anyone. 

Hopefully everyone gets to the fall in area safely. If not we see who's missing and try to find them. If no one gets kidnapped, some of ur sec 4s will be kidnapped and we would still have to find them. This is how it works. The IC will break the company into groups. Each group contains every part (A,B and C). Then the Cs in each Grp will lead the Grp in the rescue mission. So the kidnapped people can be anywhere. A classroom mostly. So if it's a part A/B/C, a sec 4 will be with them. They will tell you to keep quiet and hide quietly. BUT SCREAM. WE WILL GO ARD SCREAMING FOR U SO U SCREAM TO LET US KNOW AS WELL OKAY?!?! PLS JUST SCREAM OR RUN OUT OF THE ROOM. So yeah. If it is a sec 4 then ah Goodluck to us cause well they won't scream. So we have to legit find them. Hopefully everything will be fine. Actually will there even be a fire drill? I think so, right? Anyways please WARN everyone. (Your platoon) 

On a side note, if you do really see this, you never did. Okay??? When my platoon mates warn you in person/email, FEIGN IGNORANCE. THIS POST NVR EVER EXISTED. 

P.S. Goodluck for TAs and ATC! 

ORA

Well, I had fever last night. Yup laid in bed since 11 but couldn't sleep till 4:30 ish. I was just laying in bed, doing nothing. Yup wasn't able to even think about life cause of a terrible headache. Fever started rising up ard 3am and i felt horrible. My heart was beating super fast and I couldn't toss without feeling like everything around me was revolving. Then I woke up ard like 5:10 so I felt better after the nap and prepared for ORA.

ORA was such a disappointment. I asked so many people to come down and they all did but there were a few who couldn't catch it due to miscommunications about when exactly the perf was going to be. Then there was nothing to do except walk around because it was lonely. I was going ard with YJ at first but it was so dry. Like we were just walking and my mind was occupied with someone else so I felt really bad towards her. But hey I met Markus! Was surprised that he could actually remember me tho, after all we only met for a couple of hours haha. But he is such a good pool player. It was really funny how he kept laughing at me cause i couldn't hit properly XD Then Ji Won came and lololol she blamed me for missing the perf. I clearly told her 9:30 okay??? It was never 10:30 but sigh can never win her okay so yeah shall just admit to it being my fault :p. This is my first time at ORA so I was looking forward to it but there were a lot of disappointments. Just before the perf, I was thrown off by some unexpected things and I just zoned out. Which is why I screwed up the rehearsal. But it was hardly a rehearsal cause there were so many ppl watching and I was just frozen. I screwed up the actual one also cause I think my angles were all off. I am getting rusty, it has been so long since i legit trained. Sigh If only I could practice whenever I wanted… Anyways, it really was a disappointment, the entire thing was…

I don't know whether I wanna should continue PDS. I really really really like it because it is such an enjoyment to be able to pull off so many stunts with a 2/3kg rifle. I like the feeling of wanting to so badly be able to perfectly carry out stunts and its just amazing how much I have learnt in the past few months. Started out with "what is PDS?" to being able to perform in the team. It has been such a journey <3… PDS means a lot to me because it has allowed me to know some of the most amazing people ever. It has allowed me to see my platoon mates for who they truly are and not what they seem to be. It has shown me everyone's true colors including mine. It was because of PDS, I started to discover myself and I am glad I chose to be in the team. I don't regret it tbh. And yet I feel that I am not good enough. My drills aren't sharp enough, my jumbo is so unstable and when I do rotations, my body leans in a weird position. I am never good enough but I wanna continue. I want to continue giving my best but i don't know how things will turn out tho…

I am really worried. For a no of people. I just hope that they know that they can turn to me whenever they need help. Be it a listening ear or to just sit down with them and relieve all the stress or anger or whatever they wanna relieve...

Rant

I missed school today :( well this is the first time I am missing sch since I had dengue when I was 8... I had fever and a really really bad headache. But it's all gone now. 

Monday was  very bad. Not because I had exams. Not because I was starting to feel sick. But because I lost it... Well tbh I alrdy lost it on Sunday night then I was suppressing myself till a trigger came and then BAM it all exploded. Now what's left is just awkwardness. 

I applied for ICEP USA but have heard nothing Abt it. Then last fri San told me that when she went for her Germany interview, she saw that 6ppl were short listed for ICEP USA. I was so disappointed cause I really really wanted to go on a NCC trip :( Entire platoon applied for Mt Ophir too but only three got in unlike previous years... All these changes because of stupid merger 

Anyways I texted Mr Ng on Friday immediately after San told me cause I wanted to clarify then when I went for break I saw SSG JQ in the canteen and asked her. She suggested that I could ask SM on fb jus to confirm.  So I did. Since there were Abt two to three other ppl who applied I thought it was only right for me to inform the platoon of the situation. And I did. Then no reply came till Sunday night... They (the same usual few) started going on and on about how I should have asked seniors for permission first and how I shouldn't talk to higher ranks ppl anyhow. Then I got really really really pissed of cause if there's one thing that I hate the most it would be misunderstandings. I controlled my anger and replied "hey guys. Yup I alrdy asked seniors." And then they went onto about how I should have informed them first. Then I quit the chat. Cause if I were to type something back in reply then I would just be having a stupid fight in the virtual world and it's totally useless. All I did was rant on twitter cause I am sick and tired of you ordering me around. You told me not to be rude to seniors (apparently joking was rude) then you broke the gg rules first ... You told me to watch myself infront of my juniors then you act like friends like that outside of training ... Not that I am against it just that why order ppl ard but u urself can't control right? 

Then on Monday I exploded after the papers ... I was supposed to go for PDS at 2:30 but since exams ended at 11 I was thinking of lunching at home then coming back but guess what??? They had to run after me making a scene infront of the class as to where I was going. Then you just had to snap the last string of patience by texting me what time I was coming back. FYI I have never eve ever been late for any trainings at all. 

I can take care of myself thank you very much. 

Then the shirt issue as well. Look I am not rich. I am not poor. But I am still having lots of finance issues. My parents are struggling a lot. My dad works harder than anybody I have ever seen. And you waste my money away. In year 1, without asking the platoon you guys bought $22 worth of clothes for ATC AND IT WASNT EVEN LEGAL TO WEAR SO WE ENDED UP NOT BEING ABLE TO WEAR AND TILL TODAY IT SITS IN MY WARDROBE. Then in part B year, we had to buy so many things to standardize only to end up being used only once. Then this year despite me telling u of how many ppl are against the idea of expensive water bottles u went ahead to buy one that costs $15... And now u want to buy a new shirt for $10?!?! Isn't what we are using now perfectly fine?!? Must you seriously standardize to that extent?!!! 

 

And then now it's just awkward. Anyways I wonder how shu shu is doing. I hope he's fine :/ He seems too detached lol or maybe it's just me. I really like spamming his phone or rather talking to him cause i learn new things all the time (apart from when we talk nonsense) but I feel sorry for being the annoying little kid who disturbs him at like 6+ in the morning and spam his phone through the day lol XD 

But I really hope he's doing well by himself. And that the  "isolation" times will be over soon. Tbh he's schooling so he can't probably stay isolate for long ;) shall disturb tmr as usual ~ 

Apart from NCC my life in General is fine but complicated and busy as usual. I have to work harder cause I am not producing any results at all :( 

And it's 1+ am. I just can't sleep. I just hope I won't ever fall sick again...

You are as pretty as this sunset ~

Sunsets. They are the simplest yet the most breathtaking scenery. I hate the fact that school usually ends around 5/6 and that's like 99% of the time. But trust me I love watching sunsets. Because I come back from school very late, I get to see sunsets everyday. And that is a privilege I shall treasure. As for mornings, I am sorry if I am not paying attention to the morning announcements on stage. I am most probably admiring the sun rise that's calm and beautiful at the same time. I am blesse to be living in such a beautiful world. <3

It hurts me to see you like this...

I guess I am finally recovering… Not fully recovered but on a speedy recovery and i should be fine by the end of may…May is one hectic month cause everything is jam packed together and not forgetting TAs as well… Let's see, ORA, open house, TAs and ATC. These are really really huge events that i cannot afford to fail at all. I need to score well for TAs because i have to save my sem 1 since i did badly in term 1 and for ORA and open house, i need to make sure my PDS improves (gosh i have not been training for too long oh no) and and ATC, i need to really do well because heh i want to go SSC. So well May is busy and that should keep me occupied and not leave me to have weird thoughts about dying. Anyways, I am pretty sure I am getting better and better daily and its all thanks to certain people.

But now it seems like those people aren't doing very well instead of me… Like W, it has been so long since i last knew how she's doing but i can tell she isn't doing very well. Why? Because she looks so pale. Her face is pale as if she's very sick. I just hope she hasn't been pushing herself too much and remember to take regular breaks. R, well this one is like I don't know anymore LOL. This shu shu seems to be really really tired and all i can do is cheer him on. I am very worried about these two and if you ask me why, i honestly don't know. Maybe it's because they have helped me so much when I was all alone and I wouldn't have done it without them. Or maybe it's because i always always grow overly emotionally attached to people. Whichever it is, I just hope that they are feeling better. Well, at least they have people they can confide in so thats a good start. I just feel like this overly attached and clingy person. Heh. I feel so useless not being able to do anything but i am pretty sure that i won't be much of help even if I can do something so yeah…

Eh physics and SS papers are next mon and i don't really feel very prepped and thats a bad thing because I need to do well for both. All i can do is crazily study till mon and hope that the papers won't be set to a very difficult level. Sigh who am i kidding… Obv the papers will be hard...

How much more to go???

I just want to talk to you so bad </3. I saw that you were online and i swear i almost typed out smth and almost sent it… I don't know apparently this is weird cause its weird to be so attached to a senior. But she means more than just a senior tho… It's as if she was my real older sister… Maybe cause i treated her like one so i am getting so affected by this separation. When i say how much more to go, i don't really know anymore cause say it's POP tmr, i really don't know what will happen to us. Will we return back to where we were or will we have to start afresh or will we return to strangers…

And for ytd and today, when i am not high or happy, I just get ridiculously sad and angry. Mostly anger. Like angry at everything and everyone… and then i will just sit there zoning out… When i am high like when i was watching drama or when i was fooling around in CPR course, i just get ridiculously high.

OMGOMOGMGOGOGMOGMOGMOG SORRY I AM HIGH AGAIN SEE LAH TWO SO DIFFERENT MOODS IN ONE POST GOSH. CPR was da bomb man. Omg that guy who was talking on the mic ended up singing "1,2,3,4 and save a life save a life" OMG so this apparently the speed of how fast we should perform CPR but it was so funny when he sang lololol. The instructor ended up laughing at me cause I couldn't press down properly to get a depth of 5cm and then i was just fooling around the entire time until i couldn't stop laughing. LOLOLOL. AND THEN AND THEN they told us to fill up a survey and gosh so embarrassing. Instead of writing my index number, i thought they asked for phone no and wrote down mine and then my classmate who was collecting the form was like "omg who is this idiot??? the one who wrote phone no instead of index??" AND THEN I WAS LIKE OMG ROLLED ON THE FLOOR. And and and when i was desperately trying to shade the no so that they wont be able to see the instructor came in front of me and JUST LAUGHED AND WAS LIKE "WAH SO DESPO. WANT US TO CALL U AH??" OMG MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT IN Y3 SO FAR. OH GOD LIKE CAN U NOT. And then i ended up watching CLIF during chinese cause free block! It's so nice. Why didn't anyone tell me they were airing >:( gosh i missed out so much of my lyfe. Srsly tho CPR was the best. I wouldn't mind going for it again next year heh.

hhahaahahahah CHERYAN

Okay so to say that my entire day has been filled with anger would be wrong thanks to someone. LOLOLOL. CHERYAN. RYRIN. CHERAN. CHERY. OMG SO MANY CUTE SHIP NAMES. As in I know this is just a joke but well can't help it since i have the mentality of a five years old. andandand sorry Millen. Oops didn't mean to piss him off heh. Just wanted to joke around. He kinda seem flexible tho so hope he aint too angry. But but pretty sure ryan is sick and tired of me hehehehheehe. I like to spam his phone. Well second only to Ji Won. OMG JI WON CAN YOU NOT WITH UR CEREALS AND UR SIS REPLYING. I BET SHE THOUGHT I WAS WEIRD FOR TYPING IN KOREAN AND SAYING I LOVE YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN. WELL I WAS BEING WEIRD AND UR SIS HAD TO WITNESS THAT. THANKS ALOT.

WOO I AM DAMN HIGH RN. LIKE I CAN'T EVEN. AHAHAHAHAHAH OMGOMGOMG CHERIN JIE JIE AHAHAHAHHAH. Okay sorry. Seriously tho my anger just vanished like woosh woosh woosh hehehehe. Glad i have people like ji won who don't judge me. but uh srsly… sorry for swearing…. i wont' do that ever again...BUT OMG THAT PABO DON'T READ MY BLOG. GOSH IF YOU DON'T READ JI WON WHO ELSE WILL?? I AM PRETTY SURE W DOESN'T READ THIS ANYMORE SO HOW CAN U NOT JI WON SO MEANIE </3 BUT BUT BUT TAKE CARE DURING TIOMAN TRIP. I don't feel safe somehow it's a dangerous place okay??? AND I WON'T BE THERE TO TAKE CARE OF HER. I THINK I WOULD TEXT/CALL HER EVERY MORNING AND NIGHT JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE'S SAFE AND EATING PROPERLY AND ALL THAT STUFF LOLOL. But but but but OMG WHY AM I HIGH? AND LION ISN'T REPLYING MY WHATSAPP. PSH. What's with your "omg so sweet" are yOu like TalKing to CHErin??? aahahhha okay sorry but thank you so much for the wonderful laughs and sorry for being so annoying. hahaha. :P:P:P:P

Anger

So unlike other days today wasn't even emotional. Not like a rollercoaster where I experience the strongest and weakest feelings. Today was just me getting angry at everyone... Well except some...

First off I woke up late and was late for school. Couldn't take cab cause even then I would be late so what for right? Waste money only. On the way to school somehow memories started playing back... Memories of everything as far back as to part A year and I just felt like standing on the train forever. I wasn't near crying but I just let all these memories play back and my mind was blank. Stuck, not in the present but the past. Then at school during Bio, I got really really pissed off by my class bcos mrs Huang wasn't here and assigned us work but they were all joking and laughing around. I swear the noise level could be heard from at least two classes away. It isn't appropriate to make noises when other classes are having lessons and all we are doing is interrupting them. Also there's work assigned at least attempt them... Or maybe it was just my foul mood cause I ended up swearing. I seriously ended up swearing... At the whole class. Now that I think about it I feel so apologetic. At this rate I am not going to be a very good chairperson. I am just going to end up letting everyone down... 

Then it was RS. Well it didn't turn out too bad but I am still very annoyed at group mates. I really got super mad at them but managed to hold in whatever I wanted to say. 

CCA. Start was great cause well only 6 people. Others were running for class relay. We really got scolded a lot because well near specs heh. I don't mind all the scoldings but I really don't know whether it will make a difference. Then we did 40 push-ups cause we owe them 700 in total. AHAHHAHA. Damn retarded. And each time we have to do more than the previous time. So ah... All I can say is I don't think we can clear them lol. But was still pissed with some of them == they just bitched Abt K. I know she isn't up to standard but srsly she's trying. I can see that okay. Stop being mean to her and help her change. If you don't want to help gtfo. Thank you very much. 

Never been so angry at so many people over a long period of time... It's just so unlike me or maybe this is who I am becoming. Too tired to think...

Changing for the better or the worse?

I saw a change in myself. And I really don't know whether it's better or is it me going down the wrong path. I used to throw myself into every situation when someone comes to me with a problem. I tried my best to help and I tried to solve their problems. But it's not like that anymore. When someone comes to me and rant my first instinct is to quickly throw myslef into the situation but now a second instinct quickly accompanies it. "Don't meddle in other's affairs. Just leave it." And then I stop myself from trying to be the over friendly person... There are still times when I can't control myself and I end up in someone else's problems. But for now I think it's enough. Because being a middle man means it's a two edged blade. You hurt both sides and yourself. I don't do things for the sake of you thanking me my entire life but I sure would appreciate if you could at least try to remain as friends and not ditch me. It hurts when in the end all you do is to leave me without saying anything as if everything was my fault. Do you really know how I felt for the past two years? Do you seriously think I was that happy person for 24/7? Sure I was a very optimistic and cheerful person but there are times when I cry myself to sleep and it's all because of me being a middle man. You talked about how we would be friends forever and we will always be there for each other blah blah blah. Really? Where were you when I was crying? Where were you when I needed your help? You ran away. You made me the middle man using an excuse saying that someone listens to me better and made me pass messages to that someone. That someone till today thinks I am double faced. Thinks I betrayed her. Because I understood her and now she feels that I no longer do. The fact is I never really understood anyone's feelings. I believe that everyone has unique feelings and only you yourself has access to them and can feel them. I never understood but at least I knew how to react. I tried to understand and acted according to your feelings. And now it's not that I don't understand any longer. It's just me passing on messages from the other people. And you misunderstood. You wouldn't believe my explanation and you left me. You wouldn't even talk to me anymore. You just left. I tried my best to understand you and you? You just left because trying to understand me is hard isn't it? And the other people? When I explained the situation all you said was "You were never alone in this. You should have known better. You are so stubborn trying to do things on your own. Why didn't you tell us???" I did. I told you. But you ran away. And now you are leaving me too. Better still some of you were never even there for me. 

Sure all these are in the past and I should forget them all but there are times when I suddenly think of them. I am suffocating myself with school work and family now. So that I won't have free time to idle then think of the past and get hurt all over again. But there are times when all these feelings come back raw. As if it just happened. The pain is awfully raw and you feel like everything is your fault. Every you built in yourself for your entire life feels like it's all breaking apart. And once again you are trapped in the past with nowhere to run except in the past. 

No one understands me and I don't ask for anyone to understand me either. That's too much of a request. Seriously no one will understand lol. 

I have like five papers next month and my last two papers, math and chem, my worst subjects, are on the same day as ATC. ATC is really serious because if I fail ATC, I wouldn't even need to go specs assessment. Auto fail liao. I started revisions but I have to work at least ten times harder. I need to do really well on these papers. Also tomorrow should be extremely fun heh. Orienteering then dragon boating. WITH COMPANY!!! Well at least I would get to know my juniors that I never knew at all heh. And I really want to talk to that someone. I am very good at being straightforward. I usually isn't afraid of being judged for that. It's just I am not sure if that person wants to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to that person. It's just being me the one who is always forgotten and being left out. And yet hoping for impossible miracles. I am used to waiting. So I shall wait. Even if it's my entire life long. :) 

Troubles...

It's already five weeks into term 2 and our class haven't got into our deco yet… ALL other classes are pretty much done and we have NONE. I am supposed to get them to start doing everything but because of PDS comp and what happened to me after i couldn't…. i lost track of everything … which is why i felt guilty and "spring cleaned" the class ytd… And guess what we just got ourselves into a huge trouble… Almost all our subject teachers complained to our FT and now FT wants to talk to us (EXCO) on Fri plus she sent an email to ALL subj teachers including the LEVEL HEAD and talked about how we need discipline and she told me this morning that we need to start having punishments already… Everything seems to be going wrong right now… the class doesn't know much tho they got warning this morning. They are still laughing happily and making lots of noises during lessons. I feel like dying. I am probably going to get really scolded cause i am not setting a good example in class and i haven't done anything at all as a chairperson. Mrs Huang is probably very very disappointed in me rn… Also I feel bad because I feel like i am being a "traitor" in the sense that I am "telling on" them. Plus I nagged at them a lot ytd night and I felt like I was being a busybody. Now I ask myself "What the hell was I thinking when I wanted to be class chair?!?!" What if that time Stevie hasn't said anything and so I would have become a class secretary and someone else would be chair and would probably do way better than me ... But this kind of thinking won't get me anywhere. It's time I start correcting myself. I should do better way better than now and stop disappointing teachers. Sigh this is like a repeat of NCC. Me nagging and nagging and seniors chasing after me and me nagging at plat mates again and so the cycle goes on... That was two years ago and I stopped doing that this year. The start of the year I still did since I was worried Abt merger but near PDS comp I lost myself and I lost it all. And now I am back again except this time seniors aren't as crazy heh. But still it sucks trying to pass information down while trying not to sound naggy/spam their phones... And now my class. I just can't have a day of peace. As soon as I think there are no problems something crops up. Starting tmr I should start living up to expectations. No no starting now. Got to start with class deco. Heh I alrdy have a vague idea tho! Can do it after sch on fri b4 Chinese hehe. I CAN DO THIS HWAITING!!! 

"To be a leader, you have to show them what you want to teach them." ~ lion 

Hmm… so a couple of things that three people told me…
1) A - You have to isolate yourself for the time being and search within you what you really want and what you really need. You are a mess right now and i suggest you really literally isolate yourself and think things through.
2) B - Be strong. Be a leader. You may feel like giving up at times, running away or simply crying. But don't. Stay strong. There's a reason why you are a leader. To be strong when no one else is. So don't give up. Stop crying. Get up and move on.
3) C - Denying yourself love is weak not strong. So don't ever distance yourself from your friends. You are beautiful.

So no one actually really knows the entire picture heh obv. Cause i never told anyone everything. But what they all said, when i pieced them altogether, it somehow makes sense and somehow i realize that i was being a little whinny kid who was crying when i was supposed to be strong. So i kind of thought through things and have found solutions and who i want to be. My first goal is to stop being over "nice". Like i tried to do everything for everybody for the past two years. And that greatly affected my studies and emotions. So now i shall back off. And guess what? I found myself doing the same things today. == Just when i thought i was finally able to control myself… Like i spent one whole freaking hour to clean my classroom ALONE cause it was super messy and i just "nagged" at my classmates for their behavior during class, to be on time for morning assemblies etc etc… And that was something i told myself to stop doing. First of all, i should have asked those on duty/entire class to help me clean but i was like "oh they have cca. they need to go home." then i was reflecting just now and i realized "what about myself? Don't i need to study too?" So yeah. That was very bad i guess. I should have gotten people to help instead of trying to be a crazy superwoman. But hey! The classroom is SUPER CLEAN AND ORGANIZED HEHEHEHEH SO HAPPY <3<3<3

okay bye. I am longing for sushi. UGH I am going to eat hand roll tmr heh

안녕이제goodbye

I am weak. I am not strong. Yes I am trying to do exactly that. Pushing people alway and denying myself love. And I do it out of fear. I do it out of fear that it would all be gone one day.

 "Aren't you scared? Scared that you might just lose it all one day?"~unknown

"I am a grenade. A grenade that is going to blow up one day and leave many casualties behind." ~The fault in our stars

And that fits me exactly as of now. Wild thoughts run through my mind every second. What if my family gets into an accident? What if my best friends all hate me now? What ifs... 

The six people that I used to place as first in my life? I am losing them. I have become so distant without even knowing why. 

Ji Won? I burden her so much. I tell her all these heavy stuff every other day and she wastes her time worrying over me who isn't worth it. 

You? I probably burdened you the most. I couldn't even protect you when someone called you slut. I couldn't even protect you when tears were streaming down your face. I couldn't even comfort you when you were feeling the worst. I couldn't even be there for you. Tell me. Do you still think I deserve you? You are surrounded by a thousand times better people. No a million times better. I rather see you from far than be near you and give you harm. That's why I choose to leave because I rather see you happier than be stubborn and stay by your side. 

A? I thought I finally found someone who understand me. Then I realize we were not even friends. We couldn't even be considered friends and just like that I lost yet another person. Or rather I let go. 

So I am trying to let go of everyone now. I am going to blow up one day like a grenade and I don't want anyone to get hurt. I am trying to minimize casualties. I am losing myself. Just hate me alright? Hate me because I am not keeping my promises. I am a bad person. A bad guy. Just just forget about me okay??? 

PrayForSouthKorea

I know how it feels like to lose a friend. A classmate. I lost one last year. I wasn't even that close to her. I would occasionally praise her guitar skills though she rarely played. I promised her we would pass 2.4km run together. (we failed in y1 so i told her we would run 2gether and def pass in y2) It's the little things that i said to her that brings back all the memories. Smiling at each other, occasionally chatting. Then the news came so suddenly. Hospitalized. In a week, exactly a week, she passed away after. I cried. I cried a lot because I wanted to tell her so many things. I wanted to tell her "You are really really good at guitar. It's okay that you failed the run because hey i am a healthy person with two lungs and i flunked it. Surely you are better than me because you were running with one lung…"It felt like she was gonna show up in class the next day as if nothing was wrong. We put a huge teddy bear in her seat for a week or so and that seriously ate me up inside all the time. The absence of someone sitting in that chair would have been more bearable than a huge teddy bear sitting there reminding me of her every single second. I remember when we once went home together. We talked for quite long and that was when i realized that she wasn't as quiet as she seems to be in class. She was friendly. I still miss her. We weren't even close and yet it was a huge loss to me. So imagine those korean students in high school, they must be in real pain. To lose a friend as sudden as in a few hours.

I heard of stories of students,teachers and other passengers, risking their lives to save others'. They have sadly passed away but i am sure they died a heroic death. Moreover, they should all be celebrated in korea history. May your souls rest in peace. As much as it's painful for those who have passed away, it is extremely painful and torturing to those who have lived on. They might (MIGHT) have the guilt that they are the survivors while others didn't make it or "I am alive because that person saved me and now that person has lost his/her life.I don't deserve to live." To those people, take time to recover. But also continue to live your life with gratitude and spread on the kindness. You escaped death in a nick of time so live a life that's worth it. To the families, friends and relatives of those who have passed away, stay strong. Know that they have moved onto a better place and allow them to rest in peace. I am sure they are looking down and smiling at you from heaven. Let us all pray for those missing to be found alive very soon. My deepest condolences to everyone in Korea. May we all take a minute of silence and pray.

#PrayForSouthKorea
"People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, pain is over." Jim Morrison

Bye

I am going to forget about you now. I am going to let go of you. I am never going to look back. I will keep our memories and maybe revisit them at night when I am feeling nostalgic. Or maybe now and then when it's raining and I think of you. I will treasure the memories. There's no way that we can go back to how we were after I told you all that heavy stuff and the recent events. I think I am just going to say goodbye forever. And so this goodbye will hurt because it is sadly not a prelude to a hello. And so I will get out of your life forever. 

Friday

Yesterday was painful in both good and bad ways. It felt like a dream for an hour cause i talked to you, played with you, heard your voice … and saw you… But it ended with another goodbye.
"Bye bye!"
"Another one?"
And i couldn't' answer… I was late for break. But i didn't mind. Because i saw you even tho it was just 15 mins...
But what happened after was a painful one… heh. Tbh i don't even know what happened but someone hinted that something happened. I was gonna ask "please tell me." Then i realized never mind. I am going to let go. Yup this is s new rn. Letting go. LOL. Letting go of smth that i held onto so tightly for the past two years. So i am losing my mind. Cause lol i don't know what i am doing anymore.

I am losing

I am losing. Losing in this battle between me and another me. A part of me wants to be around people and laugh till I run out of breath. That part of me wants to return to being the old me. Someone who smiled and laughed and was around people all the time. But another part of me now embraces silence. Alone. Just me and my thoughts. That part of me doesn't like crowds nor emotional attachments. And I am losing to the latter. I don't know what's happening. This story. When is it ending? 

A monster

I am scared. I am scared of what's happening. I am scared of growing up. I have two yrs left in rg. Then 2 yrs in JC. I am scared of JC. Scare = hyperventilating NO I DONT WANT IT WHAT THE HELL IS JC? CAN I JUST STAY AT 15 FOREVER? So yeah. And then I start to think of my future. What do I want to be? A teacher? (Smth I had passion for till 13yrs) or a doctor? (Smth my parents want me to be badly) or a pilot? (Smth which I recently found some passion for) or a social worker? (Smth which I have ALWAYS wanted to be but it's way impossible) Why is it impossible? Well let's see 1) my entire family WILL kill me 2) I will probably end up begging for my own food 3) I am not rich so there is no way I can help ppl. Come on this world is made up of money. Don't you see it? People talk about working hard all the time. Yeah working hard does pay off. But you gotta admit that everything's about money too.  You have money and you are always one step ahead of those who don't. Right now I want someone. Someone who understands me. I want someone who will never leave me. I moved to SG in 2008. 01.03.2008. I cried a lot. I was so upset then. I left behind my life. A life I had so blissfully been blessed with. I had a whole neighbourhood who were always taking care of me. A grandma who never ever whined and raised me till 10yrs old. And I had to leave all those ppl behind. I miss them so much. When I came to SG that was the third time I had seen my dad in my entire life. I saw him for three months when I was 3 and another three months when I was 5. Then now I was going to have to live with him. And ofc my mum. Mum wasn't that much of a difference either. She worked in moe back in Myanmar. So she was MIA for like 3/4 of my life too. But after 6yrs I have gotten used to living with them now. But I miss grandma so much. I have only went back once - last June. At that time I saw a lot of people change. The neighborhood was filled with ppl that moved in after I left. My previous neighbors were awkward with me. So was I awkward with them. Then my relatives. Even they changed. The only one who didn't change was my grandma. She is so awesome. With one glance she knows exactly what's wrong with me. Whether I had any problems. I love her. I want to go back Myanmar and live there for one simple reason. To take care of my grandma. I don't like the way my cousin sister treats her. Or the way my aunt whines about having to do so much. I want to go back and cook for her just like how she did for me. I want to sit down and spend the warm summer afternoons with her and listen to her childhood stories. I miss everything. Everything that I used to do with her. On rainy afternoons we used to watch movies together. I miss the weather too. Sure sg's weather is nice as well. With pretty clouds everyday. But I miss the four seasons. Winter, summer, autumn and rain. 

I want someone that I can tell all these things and more to. I want someone that will never leave me. All left. I just want a friend whom I can always talk to. It feels like no one understands me. 

I am sick of school. I am not talking about studies. But the duties I have. It's tiring. I am tired of everything. I am tired of life.