ORA

Well, I had fever last night. Yup laid in bed since 11 but couldn't sleep till 4:30 ish. I was just laying in bed, doing nothing. Yup wasn't able to even think about life cause of a terrible headache. Fever started rising up ard 3am and i felt horrible. My heart was beating super fast and I couldn't toss without feeling like everything around me was revolving. Then I woke up ard like 5:10 so I felt better after the nap and prepared for ORA.

ORA was such a disappointment. I asked so many people to come down and they all did but there were a few who couldn't catch it due to miscommunications about when exactly the perf was going to be. Then there was nothing to do except walk around because it was lonely. I was going ard with YJ at first but it was so dry. Like we were just walking and my mind was occupied with someone else so I felt really bad towards her. But hey I met Markus! Was surprised that he could actually remember me tho, after all we only met for a couple of hours haha. But he is such a good pool player. It was really funny how he kept laughing at me cause i couldn't hit properly XD Then Ji Won came and lololol she blamed me for missing the perf. I clearly told her 9:30 okay??? It was never 10:30 but sigh can never win her okay so yeah shall just admit to it being my fault :p. This is my first time at ORA so I was looking forward to it but there were a lot of disappointments. Just before the perf, I was thrown off by some unexpected things and I just zoned out. Which is why I screwed up the rehearsal. But it was hardly a rehearsal cause there were so many ppl watching and I was just frozen. I screwed up the actual one also cause I think my angles were all off. I am getting rusty, it has been so long since i legit trained. Sigh If only I could practice whenever I wanted… Anyways, it really was a disappointment, the entire thing was…

I don't know whether I wanna should continue PDS. I really really really like it because it is such an enjoyment to be able to pull off so many stunts with a 2/3kg rifle. I like the feeling of wanting to so badly be able to perfectly carry out stunts and its just amazing how much I have learnt in the past few months. Started out with "what is PDS?" to being able to perform in the team. It has been such a journey <3… PDS means a lot to me because it has allowed me to know some of the most amazing people ever. It has allowed me to see my platoon mates for who they truly are and not what they seem to be. It has shown me everyone's true colors including mine. It was because of PDS, I started to discover myself and I am glad I chose to be in the team. I don't regret it tbh. And yet I feel that I am not good enough. My drills aren't sharp enough, my jumbo is so unstable and when I do rotations, my body leans in a weird position. I am never good enough but I wanna continue. I want to continue giving my best but i don't know how things will turn out tho…

I am really worried. For a no of people. I just hope that they know that they can turn to me whenever they need help. Be it a listening ear or to just sit down with them and relieve all the stress or anger or whatever they wanna relieve...