I saw a change in myself. And I really don't know whether it's better or is it me going down the wrong path. I used to throw myself into every situation when someone comes to me with a problem. I tried my best to help and I tried to solve their problems. But it's not like that anymore. When someone comes to me and rant my first instinct is to quickly throw myslef into the situation but now a second instinct quickly accompanies it. "Don't meddle in other's affairs. Just leave it." And then I stop myself from trying to be the over friendly person... There are still times when I can't control myself and I end up in someone else's problems. But for now I think it's enough. Because being a middle man means it's a two edged blade. You hurt both sides and yourself. I don't do things for the sake of you thanking me my entire life but I sure would appreciate if you could at least try to remain as friends and not ditch me. It hurts when in the end all you do is to leave me without saying anything as if everything was my fault. Do you really know how I felt for the past two years? Do you seriously think I was that happy person for 24/7? Sure I was a very optimistic and cheerful person but there are times when I cry myself to sleep and it's all because of me being a middle man. You talked about how we would be friends forever and we will always be there for each other blah blah blah. Really? Where were you when I was crying? Where were you when I needed your help? You ran away. You made me the middle man using an excuse saying that someone listens to me better and made me pass messages to that someone. That someone till today thinks I am double faced. Thinks I betrayed her. Because I understood her and now she feels that I no longer do. The fact is I never really understood anyone's feelings. I believe that everyone has unique feelings and only you yourself has access to them and can feel them. I never understood but at least I knew how to react. I tried to understand and acted according to your feelings. And now it's not that I don't understand any longer. It's just me passing on messages from the other people. And you misunderstood. You wouldn't believe my explanation and you left me. You wouldn't even talk to me anymore. You just left. I tried my best to understand you and you? You just left because trying to understand me is hard isn't it? And the other people? When I explained the situation all you said was "You were never alone in this. You should have known better. You are so stubborn trying to do things on your own. Why didn't you tell us???" I did. I told you. But you ran away. And now you are leaving me too. Better still some of you were never even there for me.
Sure all these are in the past and I should forget them all but there are times when I suddenly think of them. I am suffocating myself with school work and family now. So that I won't have free time to idle then think of the past and get hurt all over again. But there are times when all these feelings come back raw. As if it just happened. The pain is awfully raw and you feel like everything is your fault. Every you built in yourself for your entire life feels like it's all breaking apart. And once again you are trapped in the past with nowhere to run except in the past.
No one understands me and I don't ask for anyone to understand me either. That's too much of a request. Seriously no one will understand lol.
I have like five papers next month and my last two papers, math and chem, my worst subjects, are on the same day as ATC. ATC is really serious because if I fail ATC, I wouldn't even need to go specs assessment. Auto fail liao. I started revisions but I have to work at least ten times harder. I need to do really well on these papers. Also tomorrow should be extremely fun heh. Orienteering then dragon boating. WITH COMPANY!!! Well at least I would get to know my juniors that I never knew at all heh. And I really want to talk to that someone. I am very good at being straightforward. I usually isn't afraid of being judged for that. It's just I am not sure if that person wants to talk to me as bad as I want to talk to that person. It's just being me the one who is always forgotten and being left out. And yet hoping for impossible miracles. I am used to waiting. So I shall wait. Even if it's my entire life long. :)
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