A monster

I am scared. I am scared of what's happening. I am scared of growing up. I have two yrs left in rg. Then 2 yrs in JC. I am scared of JC. Scare = hyperventilating NO I DONT WANT IT WHAT THE HELL IS JC? CAN I JUST STAY AT 15 FOREVER? So yeah. And then I start to think of my future. What do I want to be? A teacher? (Smth I had passion for till 13yrs) or a doctor? (Smth my parents want me to be badly) or a pilot? (Smth which I recently found some passion for) or a social worker? (Smth which I have ALWAYS wanted to be but it's way impossible) Why is it impossible? Well let's see 1) my entire family WILL kill me 2) I will probably end up begging for my own food 3) I am not rich so there is no way I can help ppl. Come on this world is made up of money. Don't you see it? People talk about working hard all the time. Yeah working hard does pay off. But you gotta admit that everything's about money too.  You have money and you are always one step ahead of those who don't. Right now I want someone. Someone who understands me. I want someone who will never leave me. I moved to SG in 2008. 01.03.2008. I cried a lot. I was so upset then. I left behind my life. A life I had so blissfully been blessed with. I had a whole neighbourhood who were always taking care of me. A grandma who never ever whined and raised me till 10yrs old. And I had to leave all those ppl behind. I miss them so much. When I came to SG that was the third time I had seen my dad in my entire life. I saw him for three months when I was 3 and another three months when I was 5. Then now I was going to have to live with him. And ofc my mum. Mum wasn't that much of a difference either. She worked in moe back in Myanmar. So she was MIA for like 3/4 of my life too. But after 6yrs I have gotten used to living with them now. But I miss grandma so much. I have only went back once - last June. At that time I saw a lot of people change. The neighborhood was filled with ppl that moved in after I left. My previous neighbors were awkward with me. So was I awkward with them. Then my relatives. Even they changed. The only one who didn't change was my grandma. She is so awesome. With one glance she knows exactly what's wrong with me. Whether I had any problems. I love her. I want to go back Myanmar and live there for one simple reason. To take care of my grandma. I don't like the way my cousin sister treats her. Or the way my aunt whines about having to do so much. I want to go back and cook for her just like how she did for me. I want to sit down and spend the warm summer afternoons with her and listen to her childhood stories. I miss everything. Everything that I used to do with her. On rainy afternoons we used to watch movies together. I miss the weather too. Sure sg's weather is nice as well. With pretty clouds everyday. But I miss the four seasons. Winter, summer, autumn and rain. 

I want someone that I can tell all these things and more to. I want someone that will never leave me. All left. I just want a friend whom I can always talk to. It feels like no one understands me. 

I am sick of school. I am not talking about studies. But the duties I have. It's tiring. I am tired of everything. I am tired of life.