Nice huh?

I have a chem test tmr ahha and i am so screwed up haizzz

Somehow I have been thinking through this weekend about who I really want to be. What happened during class meeting last Friday really shook me up. I swear i almost cried and ran out but kind of managed to hold in my emotions. At least the darker ones cause i did end up sulking. The situation was exactly a remake of what happened and it just hit me so hard. It made me question why the hell am i letting people do this to me again and why the hell am i playing the bad guy again. I kept telling myself to calm down but i just couldn't … I was really really riled up hard by my emotions because it was so pressurizing. It was pressurizing to stand up in front the entire class and to manage them and handle all the complaints and the frequent whispers or rather critics of my decisions and it just reminded me of what has been happening to me since part A. The middle guy. The bad guy. And yet all i am is a puppet. Everyone tugging at my strings instructing me to go wherever they wish. That is my true honest blunt feeling. The one that tries to keep things together but only to be left out at the end. Only to have everyone walk away in the end. "Being overly nice to people is not because you are "nice". You just want others' acknowledgment and love." Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with trying my butts off to make someone smile when they just had a bad day? Is there anything wrong with wanting someone by my side? To want someone who will be there for me just like I will be there for the many of you? Well tbh i am also pretty much done with being the "nice guy". I try so freaking hard to please everyone and then in the end you just criticize everything i do and walk away. I try so freaking hard to maintain the relationship only to realize you never even considered me as a person. "Just because i am nice doesn't mean i am a pushover." ~unknown Just because I don't fight with you for things doesn't mean i don't want it as badly as you. Just because i don't scold you doesn't mean you can keep repeating your mistakes. I am not asking much of you. Just the basics. Just do the least you can and i will do the rest. But you cant even be responsible for yourself. See what you have done? You made everyone suffer. And just a while ago you were saying how you will start being more responsible and how you will work harder. I don't mind not wearing badges because badges don't define me. Rank doesn't define my leadership abilities. But these are also the very basics of one's image. Not having any badges to wear doesn't matter. But the fact that you remember to bring the badges and proudly puts it on shows that you are someone who takes pride in her work and that is a good thing to show people that you are very much confident of your abilities. If you can't even remember to bring it, it simply implies that you don't even bother to pin it on. Then what's the point of earning the badge? Remember that behind every badge, theres a story. A story on how you managed to attain it and it usually involves handwork. So credit yourself when due.

Homecoming III eh..? Sounds exciting and yet daunting. OMG also seems like i will be pretty busy huh so many jobs haha. How will seniors react to the now RGSNCC? I wonder if their thoughts then and now are different. For example, the GG rules. I still find it ridiculous. Its so absurd to me, still. I mean look at other schools, they are so friendly and close with each other and yet they still maintain the discipline and respect towards each other. Why can't we do the same? "I guess its traditions and its only right to pass it down." NO. Have you ever thought that perhaps sometimes traditions are meant to be broken and new methods are to be explored? And that if you ever try it, there's a higher gaining rate than losing. I feel like such a rebel.

It really drains up my energy to be with someone. I feel really useless because all i can do is just sit down and watch. And as your friend, i am not supposed to do that. Maybe you think i am like a loser whining about not getting to go for the course but trust me there were a thousand other reasons why i needed to go apart from the rooftops. == Haizzzz I am just so tired...