MORE THAN A TV STAR 

Some graduate from top universities and are busy making money
When they got acknowledged by their friends and parents
I thought to myself, what am I doing these days?

My dad told me
“You can’t do a single thing right. What are you going to do?”
My ex-girlfriend told me
“People say you’re a genius but why don’t others notice?”
I don’t know either, I don’t know what I want
Sometimes I doubt myself on what I really want
So I’ve stopped for a moment and looked back
Because I don’t know if it’s tears or sweat that’s flowing from my eyes right now

If you have a dream boy
Even if you’re lost in the darkness, I pray you’ll be a star
If you have a dream girl
Don’t let the world change who you are
You can be more than a TV star

I overcame even when no one believed in me

Everytime I look up in the sky
I see the stars and I can hear my god says
“this is who you are”
Everytime I look up at the stars
They be telling me you are perfect
Just the way you are
Baby If you looking for the stars
It’s not far away, turn off the TV and look in the mirror

FEAR

When I turned around
I saw that I came farther than I thought
I was alone and I suddenly got afraid
When I saw myself
I didn’t know I was exhausted
I was lonely and I suddenly got afraid

You’re doing a good job
When I get confused, I tell myself that and just go
Be yourself, know yourself
I practiced about several thousand times
Being in despair once or twice is child’s play now
Opportunities are always ways to get up from moments of crisis, you know
Going on a trip to heaven? Hurry and pack your carrier

Don’t stop, there’s still a lot to do
Look at the photo of your parents, providing for you
You’re the mirror to your younger siblings, you’re the star of your family
Only when you cut back on your sleep, can they peacefully sleep
Hey you idiot, don’t make it obvious
Be strong, I know you’re lonely
But you need to get through it, are you crying? Be a man
Stop crying and take responsibility once more

When I didn’t wanna see anything
The reason I forced my eyes to open wide
Is because I was just scared
It’s because I was suddenly scared
When I didn’t wanna say anything

The reason I raised my voice
There is no other reason
It’s because I’m afraid, I’m afraid

I used to say this like a habit
That I always believe in myself
That I have no worthy opponent
But enemy was in my mirror
Maybe I lost my reasoning in this continued fight
I killed myself, even my mom is careful with me

Dad, if you’re looking at me, tell me the answer
I’m too young and soft to become an adult
I still don’t know how
It hurts too much to just crash into things
Now I know, it’s too late to foolishly whip
There are still too many unhealed wounds

Cr : http://ilyricsbuzz.com

Those are my two favourite songs from the show, SHOW ME THE MONEY (season 4) and out of all the songs in the past four seasons, these two have touched me the most. The first one, "MORE THAN A TV STAR" is by Innovation and Lee Hi and the second one's by Mino and Taeyang. 

Why did those two songs touch me the most? Because I can relate to them. More than other songs, these have a personal feel to it and most of the lyrics are phrased in a general manner. I have cut out parts of the lyrics where they rapped about their personal lives because it's about their struggles. But these parts that I have pasted here are more generalised and so I can better relate to them. 

The lyrics are like my raw emotions stringed into words. I am so afraid of the future. So many people would then say in response, "You are just seventeen. You still have a long way. Dont worry. Things will work out." But that's exactly what I am scared of. That long and uncertain future lying ahead of me. 

It's like you are in the middle of this dense jungle and the only sound you can hear is your heavy breathing. You don't know where you have to go, except the rule's you can't turn back. You don't know whether to turn left or right or to keep walking straight. You don't know where each twists and turns will bring you. You don't know what lies ahead of that long stretch of road you have been walking on for forever. Nonetheless, you just keep going. Aimlessly. That's what I feel like now. I have got no aims or goals or plans in life. All I am doing now is taking a gamble. I am just following this long road without knowing why. I jump over the hurdles and find my way around obstacles but out of obligations. Not out of willingness. 

I still don't have the reason why I wake up every morning. 

I am so afraid. So so afraid. 

But I am going to keep going. 

Once in a while, I might just stop walking and break down in tears because the callus on my feet are so painful. Then, I will lie down on my back and admire the stars. I will make a wish or two and I know I will be alright.

 I might become so tired out that I would need to take a rest at times. Then, I will. I will stop and take in the beatiful scenery that's too grand to be missed. I will smell whiffs of the different flowers grown all around me, swaying to the rhythm of the wind. I will close my eyes and listen to the beautiful music of the birds. 

Sometimes, I might fall over the hurdles or get blocked by obstacles but that's okay. Everytime that happens, I am going to look back and remind myself of how far I have come. How much I have tried and how strong I have been. I have been strong once, I can be stronger now. I am going to look up at the sky and shout out into the horizon that I can do it! That I can overcome any obstacles just like how I have always done. 

I know I can do this. 

This is a more deeply analysed reflection of my feelings so I hope that I won't break down even after EYAs. 

*note to self : don't care too much about what others think.*