Back to square one

Right now over the past few days, a lot of things have happened. Somehow I feel like it's all my fault. I wanted to talk to my friends about it and ask for their opinions as always but then after thinking over for quite a while, i realized they will never actually know the full picture. I have held on for two years. Two freaking years. I have always been there for me, the mother hen of the pack. Other friends tell me to let go. They tell me I care too much. I have no life. I used to laugh it off and continued to do things my way. Going out of my way to help everyone, trying to be the middleman, be the bad guy and I told myself I am going to be the string that holds everything together. Even if it means that i am tired. Even if it means that i might just collapse someday. Then now I am at this point where I have come to question myself "Why do i care?". Then, I realized for the past two years, I have cared without a reason. Held on without a reason. Put in my all without a reason. And now i am tired. I have collapsed. I don't know when I can rise again. Maybe I never will.

Two years is actually pretty long to hold on I guess. What broken me down, what made me collapse, what made me weary is that no matter how much i try, we always go back to square one. I tried to be the string to connect everyone, in the end, I turned out to be the scissor that cut the rope. So now I am just a two pointed blade that hurt everyone around me. and myself. So i decided to just hurt myself in the end. I told myself I won't care anymore. Then a few seconds after i made that decision, I immediately worried for someone. Someone who told me her problems. I had my own problems but i forgot about them and got really worried for her. I wondered what i should do to help, then i realized "Hey, I wasn't supposed to care…" So I figured being the idiotic psychopath isn't the path for me. Instead I will continue being the string just that not so obvious, like the backstage of a musical, nurses in a hospital, cleaners. Not the most glamours job in the society but actually they are the most important jobs which without we would not be able to function properly. I will just be the invisible string.

But no doubt it still hurts me. What happened still hurst me like as if i was being cut up into pieces. Everytime I replay the situation and think of what I should have done instead, it hurts… Like I don't know, it just hurts to even think about it. I would get angry at myself and then cry myself to sleep. And yet i replay the situation a million times in my head and think of how i could have handled it better. Then it gets more painful and i get angrier. All i get in the end is just anger and pain.

They say time heal wounds. But when? Wait, will it even heal…? And if it does, how long must i wait? How long must I wait until when i can talk about the matter and laugh it off, how long must i wait until when i will not be tormented by the "what if" thoughts at night, how long must i wait until when i can finally face you again and smile, how long must i wait until when i can finally finally be freed from the past. What has happened is indeed in the past and it is wise to let go. I am supposed to live in the present and dream of the future. That's what i have been doing up till now, up till i lost everything.