Watching from the sidelines

So today I had CCA. Wasn't willing to go at all. Cause super shag + felt like vomiting. But I still went. And became PT IC. Wasn't exactly the best thing to do when I already felt like pucking. I felt super bad for the company cause I screwed up quite bad. I was nervous plus wasn't sure if what I was doing was correct. Confidence confidence confidence. Haha I was quite freaked out. Still glad that SM chose to teach rather than scream. That reminded me of B NCOs. They were the only kind of leaders that I admired in NCC. Never screaming unneccasrily. They chose to teach. And I really really liked them. I still miss them. But I never let these feelings show in front of them. I have no idea why. I really screwed up being IC. Cause I forgot that the main point of the cooling down exercise was to pass down a message. HAHAHHA. I remembered half way lol.  Also I fell out halfway while jogging cause I had stitches. I was super sad. And then halfway while doing drills I fell out too cause i felt like I was going to faint. I really felt bad towards my platoon. They were standing under the sun doing drills and I was just there sitting and watching. But I really can't tahan. Oh god I feel like puking now. But while I was watching the company I felt really really touched by how everyone put in their best. I was able to see how Part As despite their small strength and the transition were still doing their best. I loved how part Bs had damn nice bangs and this "I can do this. We can do this." Determined face. I also liked how there were leaders among them who were able to take charge. Then my platoon. No doubt I was sad. When I looked at them the "special 7" isn't there anymore. I am not saying I don't like the air or anything but I still feel like it's a temporary arrangement. I just keep on remembering how crazy our platoon used to be and wish we can turn time back. But I must say their standards are improving. I can see it bit by bit. But I still feel like we are an incomplete puzzle. Like there's a few lagging and I want to help them. I want to be in their shoes and understand and let everyone improve together. Sighpie I am scared for ATC. But you know what if we do well for ATC then we will do well for specs as well. If we do okay for ATC then we will do above average for ATC. If we do badly for ATC WE NEED TO BUCK UP. My goal is for the platoon to be united before spec. To be a whole. Guess I am gonna have to be the bad guy again. But it's okay. As long as we are platoon mates forever as long as our friendship doesn't after pop as long as everyone can hold on and find their calling next year. I just want next year to be a special and meaningful one for all of us.